(ok guys, sorry it took so long, but this is probly the longest chapter yet, so...have fun with it.) Chapter 37 - and that's the only way... I crawled over to him as quickly as I could. “Nathan!” I cried, and threw my arms around him. “Why didn’t you answer me?” He remained silent. I pulled back and looked at him perplexedly. It was only then that I noticed the large, bloody spot on his shirt, which was centered right over his heart and covered most of the front of his shirt. I put my arms around him again and pulled him close to me, so that his chest was against mine, and waited. After a few minutes, I knew. I pulled away from him, and with tears streaming down my face, I kissed him goodbye. “I love you.” I whispered softly, praying that somehow, somewhere, he could hear me. I stood up and turned away from him, and headed deep into the woods. I walked around in those woods for hours, trying to get my head around it all. Nathan, my Nathan, was gone. And he was never coming back. When I finally allowed myself to believe this, I left the woods. Haley and Nathan were both gone, and the accident site was deserted now, save for the yellow CAUTION tape around the car. I walked slowly over to my car and climbed in. I wasn’t crying anymore… the pain that I was feeling was beyond tears. I turned the car on and began slowly driving home. I flicked on the radio and began flipping through the stations for a good song, trying to avoid the picture of Nathan’s lifeless body that kept flashing up in my mind. “Baby you’re all that I want, When you’re lying here in my arms, I’m finding it hard to believe, We’re in heaven…” I changed the station hurriedly. “But I'll wait I could never leave your beautiful eyes I know you're sorry I know what you must be going through And I feel sorry for you But please don't leave me now...” Click! Another new station. “It’s hard to say that I was wrong It’s hard to say I miss you, Since you’ve been gone it’s not the same…” Click. “As the days go by, I am asking why did you leave, You left me alone and then you walked out on me, Thinking of days, thinking of ways, thinking of things, to you, that I should say I wanna be with you and that's the only way…” A single tear rolled slowly down my cheek. I wiped it away furiously and turned off the radio. I drove the rest of the way home in silence. I pulled into the driveway and walked up onto the steps in front of my house, where I had received so many goodnight kisses from Nathan, and to my front door. I slid the key in and turned it with a shaking hand. I pushed the door open and walked past the mirror I had spent so much time in front of just a few hours earlier. I walked slowly past the living room, where we had watched countless movies together, and past the kitchen, where I could remember laughing with him so many times while we cooked together, or tried to anyway. I stepped into my bedroom. The same bedroom where we had spent so many nights together, where he had held me and told me just how much he loved me every single night that we had spent in there. I half expected him to be in there, sitting on the bed, waiting for me. It broke my heart all over again when I saw that he wasn’t. I sank down onto the bed. Why aren’t you here, Nathan? You swore to me that you always would be…Where are you now, When I need you most? “You can’t expect me to stay here without you Nathan… that’s not fair.” I said aloud to the empty room. There was no response. “I…I won’t do it.” I said forcefully. I stood up and calmly walked into my kitchen. I opened the drawer and pulled out a knife… the same knife Nathan had used to peel potatoes a few nights before. My vision began to blur as I picked it up. Memories of Nathan began running through my head. Nathan…and his gorgeous smile…Nathan, giving me his sweet puppy-dog look…Nathan, telling me how much he loves me…Nathan, crying… I brought the knife to my wrist. My wedding ring flashed as I drew the blade across it. Nathan, dancing and jumping around to his favorite song…Nathan, holding my hand and telling me everything would be ok…Nathan, kissing me… Nathan, holding me as though he’ll never let go…Nathan, he always looked so cute when he was sleeping… The tears began falling down my face and mixing with the blood that was now pouring from my wrists. I collapsed onto the floor and began sobbing uncontrollably. “Why did you leave me Nathan?! WHY?! I loved you…I loved you with everything I had, why the fuck did you have to go?!” I screamed. “How could you do this to me? I hate you!” Everything was starting to get hazy, as though I was seeing it all through a fog. I lay down on the floor and waited for it to end, still screaming at Nathan. “I hate you, I hate you, I swear to god I hate you, how the fuck could you do this to me?” Through the haziness, I felt someone grab my hand. They picked me up off the floor and wrapped their arms around me and held me close…just the way Nathan always had. Nathan. “GET OFF ME!” I screamed to him. “LET ME GO! I HATE YOU!” “Lily, come on, you don’t hate me, I know you don’t.” they said. “YES I DO! GET THE FUCK OFF ME! GOD FUCKING DAMNIT, YOU NEVER FUCKING LISTENED TO ME! WERE YOU NOT PAYING ATTENTION WHEN I TOLD YOU I NEEDED YOU? DID YOU EVEN CARE? DID I MEAN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO YOU?! GOD…I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!” “Lily…Please don’t say that…you don’t really hate me, do you?” they asked in a hurt voice. That was when I broke down. “No…no, I don’t hate you Nathan…I love you. I love you. I love you with all that I have, all that I am…don’t you understand that? I fucking love you…but you left me…and it’s only fair that you take me with you…because I will never be able to love anyone else, and life without love would be like…well…like life without you.” It was getting harder to speak. “And life without you is not a life at all…so…what’s the point in living anymore…?” I asked, my voice trailing off. They started saying something to me…but it was too much of an effort to try and listen to them… It was much easier to just rest my head on their shoulder…I was so tired all of a sudden… I closed my eyes, and let everything fade to black. ******************************************** ok, people, before you start yelling at me and telling me how much you hate the ending and hating me, IT IS NOT OVER. theres still one more chapter, and its gonna wrap everything up and maybe even make things all better again...but i guess we'll just have to wait and see about that one.