12-12-08 FUCK FUCK FUCK! what is this. every night it takes hours to fall asleep and tonight it just isn't working. i cry at least once a week now if not like 3 times. i just can't do this anymore. i hate being alone and for the past 6 months i've been ENTIRELY alone. no attachments, nothing. i just keep hoping that once i move back home everything will be fine and happy again but thats unrealistic. WE are still fucked up. I am still fucked up. i think about going back to therapy and then i just feel completely PATHETIC because i should be able to figure this out on my own. i should be able to fix myself ON MY OWN. but i can't even live 8 hours away and fix myself. and get over you. and NOT love you. AND NOT imagine every boy that i've kissed was you. thats not healthy. not normal. not fair! WHY IS THIS SO EASY FOR YOU!?! and of course we can't talk about it because the topic of you and i is completely taboo. off limits. change the subject. but i want NOTHING more than to be with you i know you better than anyone and you know me better than myself is that too much? is it inevitable that we will always fail because of it? i looove that you care about me..half the time but the other half you ignore me or i'm just a toy to please you. you know i'm not using you like you're using me. WE BOTH know this. but i just haven't gotten over you i've even grown up and experienced crazzzy new things and realized THIS is not what i am or who i am. but who am i? someone that no one can love i have FUCKED UP sooo badly i've pushed EVERYONE away even people i've done NOTHING but be nice to HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE i am on the verge of a mental breakdown...if i haven't reached it already i can't even forgive myself for what i've done to you and me and i know you can't forgive me and i can't forgive me until you do and i can't get over you until you do and until i do and its a huge cycle fuck i'm so unlovable its RIDICULOUS i'm too skinny no too fat no too boring no not boring enough no no no no one wants to date this no one wants to love this but you don't ask me how i'm feeling thats too much. i think you know it would open up too much that you just don't want to hear. that i don't even want to hear. i sound so fucking crazy i just want to be attached again to SOMETHING but i guess that means i'd have to actually be desirable to someone or something i want to completely seclude myself until i can FIX ME but then secluding myself would most likely drive me insane i want a dog a cat something that can love me unconditionally because honestly it just doesn't know any better i know i can be fun? and i can be nice? and i can be the most giving person you'll ever meet? but thats not what people like??? was it even love...or just puppy love just highschool love just so naive what the hell were you thinking love does he think to himself "goddamn she's fucking crazy and she needs to get over it" because that is almost what i am thinking right about now...and i have thought it this just doesn't seem fair EVERYONE else has found someone months after or weeks after their last relationship IM NOT A TOY i don't want to be treated like one anymore from anyone i just can't love myself until i know that someone else does too because it just doesn't seem worth it otherwise ITS FUCKING CHRISTMAS AND IM NOT AROUND ANYONE THAT I CARE ABOUT!!!