I'm not afraid of ending up alone.

I don't think that not having a partner will somehow make me less of a person, and I'm not afraid to spend the rest of my life single.

I'm afraid it'll be my fault. I'm afraid I'll be single, not because I can't find someone, but because I keep chasing them away. I'm afraid that I'll keep pushing people away when they get close like that, because that's all I do, is push people away. I'm afraid that I'll be the cause of my own aloneness, and I don't want to be that. I'm not afraid of being alone, but I am so terrified sometimes that it'll be my fault.

I think he hurt me more than I know. More than I care to admit, anyways, because I was a stupid fourteen year old, and he was a stupid teenager, and I pinned so much on that. I pinned everything on it. And I don't want to admit I did, because I was fourteen, and what does a fourteen year old know about love. What does a fourteen year old know about anything, and how can you ruin your own chances at a relationship when you're fourteen?

But I think I did. I hated that feeling, and I hate thinking about it even now.

I'm jealous of people who get married. Not because I have any particular desire to get married, but I think of the trust and the absolute devotion that has to come along with something like that, and I'm afraid I won't trust anybody enough to ever say yes.

I've also got more fears regarding the fact that sometimes I think I'm a for-real lesbian, and the fact that I can't stop falling for my best guy friends and I miss you a lot, and I'm probably going to fuck this up at some point, so I guess I'm sorry in advance and someday I'll try and be less terrible at relationships maybe.

~Katie