this seriously has been the hardest week of my life and people just keep making it worse for me. i have had enough ook you can stop now.
i feel like i am in this never ending cycle. everytime i start to get back up i get shoved agian. Then i am right back on the ground. i dont know how i am supposed to get back up this time, i dont even know if i should try anymore.
edit
yea soo i didnt feel like writing about my weekend last night but now i guess i am ready too
well b4 the weekend me and heather were talking, she told me that she liked my brother but she wouldnt do anything about it b/c she knew that it pissed me off. so i figured i could trust her to come over my house-haha so wrong ook so skip everything and get to the part were she wouldnt leave my brothers room because she thought the bed was wicked comfy (which it is)so we were sleeping in there. well that was a mistake because my brother was feeling her up the whole time-yes with me still in the bed
yea then after that they went to have a smoke outside so i just went in my room and heather came in there and i was feeling like shit because my whole body was aching and i was sick and she comes in there and tells me that she is going in my brothers room to "talk" to him-wicked sketchy but it didnt click at the time because i was really out of it. so when i am lieing down my whole body just goes numb i couldnt feel anything. my mind was just telling me to call heathers name but i couldnt it came out a scream so heather n my bro came out of his room and i ended up having a wicked bad anxiety attack. so after my attack i fell asleep and i woke up to heather talking to kayla on the fone about how she fucked my bro. and i started balling my eyes out. but yea she didnt even notice.
so i went through the whole day and the next day when she was at my house not saying anything about it because i didnt know what too say and i didnt want to believe she would betray me like that.
but yea do u wanna know what she said too me after i heard her convo w/ kayla she said: i would never do that to you. i swear i didnt do anything with him we just talked. you can trust me.
YEA BULLSHIT HEATHER FUCK YOU.
yup
now this is her aways message:
IM going to bed..pissed as all hell. Fuck life. It sucks!!
I hate this whole thing. Im sorry for what I did and I mean it. I made a mistake but I liked my mistake. Its too bad that it hurt the ones I love. Im only human and these things happen. I am sincerly sorry. I am sorry but I did like my mistake. I cant change it, maybe it will happen again. Who cares..Goodnight and once again IM sorry for everything I did to the ones I love.
nice,eh?
yea well here is our conversation
xXpHiShPhIsHXx: I feel that we need to talk about this because you never wanted to hear it from me. I want you to know form me exactkly wht happened. how i felt and everything
xxJ a dexG e mxx: i dont want to know, i know u fucked him and thats more then i ever wanted toknow, and right now i dont care how u feel because u obviously didnt care much about how i felt when u were fucking him
xxJ a dexG e mxx: and i did hear i from you
xXpHiShPhIsHXx: not the whole fucking thing!!
xXpHiShPhIsHXx: i didnt tell kayla everything until yesterday
xxJ a dexG e mxx: well i dotn reallly want to hear anymore its bad enough that i heard that
xXpHiShPhIsHXx: u dont even know wat i said before we even started doing anythuing!!
xXpHiShPhIsHXx: its nothin gropss
xXpHiShPhIsHXx: it was about you
xxJ a dexG e mxx: it doesnt matter what u said cause you still fuckin did it
xXpHiShPhIsHXx: no shit and im sorry..everyone knows how shitty i feel about it. but you dont care
xxJ a dexG e mxx: heather why should i care, i told u how i felt about my brother and my friends being together i told u that it hurts before you came over, you said you werent going to do anything about it so i TRUSTED you and betrayed me and then to add more u lied too me right to my face about it
xXpHiShPhIsHXx: Yeha because what was I supposed to say?? Oh yeha by the wy Jade I slept with your brother last night?? No you would have freaked out anyway. i made a big mistake and I cant change that...I guss its up to you about what you want to do now
xxJ a dexG e mxx: give me one good reason why i should care that you feel shitty about it, do u even know how i fuckin feel? i thought i could trust you, ur my best friend i am supposed too be able to trust me yea i would have freaked out, but i would have gotten over it in like a week but then u lied to me about it and that just made it ten times worse, and that what makes it even worse is that you said that it would prolly happen agian and that u liked the mistake, heather i am having a really hard time believe that u even think its a mistake.
xxJ a dexG e mxx: you**
xXpHiShPhIsHXx: Yeha it was a mistake but ysah I do admit I had the choice. I thought about what I was doing before anything. I thought about what it would do to you but I dont know what happened to my thoughts. It all went to him and it just fucked up everythign I had with you. I know lying to you abut it made it ten times worse. i should have told you in the morning but I also shouldnt have done it in the first place. I fucked up royaly and nothing can change what happend that night. If I could do it all over again I never would have done it. Knowing now just how much it ruined the perfect friendship I had with you I wish it never happened. I wish I never went over or I wish I never met him. Anyhting to change the outcome of this. Anything to change the way you feel about everything that I have done to you
xxJ a dexG e mxx: heather ya know right now i want to believe you but i dont know if i can. i wish this wouldnt have happend either because i thought u were that one person i could trust no matter what. after what u just said normally i would have prolly said just give me a couple of days or whatever but that fact that u said in your away message "im sorry i did like my mistake i cant change it,maybe it will happen agian who cares.." that just felt like a third knife but this one right through my heart, it felt like u said that like u intended to hurt me
xXpHiShPhIsHXx: I didnt mean to hurt you. I was really upset and thats what I was feeling. I want you to believe me too because its the truth but its up to you what you want now. I want this to go away but what I want isnt important right now. its all about you. IM not saying it nasty or anything..it really is all about you ight now. I hurt you so bad that no words can explain. I even tought I could be the one friend that you could trust to not do anything with your bro. It didnt happen. I fucked up and once again I screwed up everythign I had that was good.
xxJ a dexG e mxx: look i dont know how long its going to take for me to get over this but idk.im not going to lie too you, you had a choice and if you break it down the choice was to hurt me or too not and you chose too. but i still do care about you and i love you very much so please dont do anything stupid. and you know what i mean
xXpHiShPhIsHXx: I know and I still love you with all my heart and your right i did have those chouices and I made the worst one. Your the only peson i cant hink of right now. I havent stopped crying all day. i was so upset last ngiht that i couldnt even cry. htats all Ive been doing. I can wait for as long as it takes for this to blow over. I understand that you will never forget this.
xxJ a dexG e mxx: dont cry its just me, seriously though just give me sometime things will be ook i couldnt bare losing you its just gonna take a lil bit b4 i cool off . but there is something else i want you too know. even when this does blow over and i am ook with it n everything. its still going to take a long time to regain my trust in you.
xXpHiShPhIsHXx: I understand that. Thats perfectly fine.ANd its not just you. I was the one that fucked you over. I can cry too damnit!! But what is pissing me off is..james hasnt talked to me and I want himt o know that I told you everythign and all that and other stuff thats importnat.I hate bringing hom up right now but yah whatever. lol I hate him..well I cant really say that. I dont know what I feel but I just know that I love you so god dman much and I couldnt lose you and I couldnt even go this whole day without tlaking to you
aww jade :( who is it that keeps pushing you? ill yell at them if you want me to.
whoever it is, theyre idiots. youre the awesomest ever, you shouldnt be tortured, you should be worshiped.
all hail the awesomest jade! *bows*
*jumps up and hugs jade* be happy!
hope things get better soon :( if not, ill...be sad.
[Anonymous]
hey! i support gay marriages too! *high five* lets be friends!
lol sorry, dunno where that came from... random moment i guess.
[Anonymous]
aww, JADE!!!
how the hell could she do that to you? what a fucking whore! sorry but thats just seriously MESSED.
i could never like one of my friends brothers...thats just...ugh.
so she knew you were having a bad week, but she still fucked your brother after you had an anxiety attack? what the hell! i wouldn't have left my friends side if they had just had an anxiety attack, especially not you...
dude thats so screwed up!
[Anonymous]
*huggs* im sorry. want me to yell at her for you? cuz i can. really.
i worship you jade! *bows* *loses balance and falls over* i throw myself at your feet!
lol sorry, im havin another random attack.
let me know if you need anything, im always here.
seriously, if you want me to yell at her i will. i have no problem with it ;) lol.
[Anonymous]
hey hun i love ya! ur diary is cute i like it! mwah!!!
yeah, i know what you mean about the not trusting her thing. and i cant say that i blame you either, its hard to trust someone after something like that. i mean...damn.
i cant say i really know exactly how you feel, cuz i dont have any brothers...but ive got the idea.
lol ok, i wont yell at her then. but just remember, the offers still there if you change your mind ;)
[Anonymous]
yeah, theres just alot of shit going on...way too much to write on here, lol. itd take like 20 comments to explain everything. but if you really want me to, i can write you an email or a note or something and tell you whats up... i'll warn you now though, i can be very emo sometimes, so the things that seem big to me probly wont seem like anything to you, lol.
[Anonymous]
and hey...dont worry about it. youre an awesome person jade, and if i can make you feel just a little better, and make you even the tiniest bit happy, then thats awesome.
and thanks...youre aready helping me a ton just by bein there and talking to me.
[Anonymous]
yeah, i think all realitives can have that effect, lol ;)
ok, ill write you a note sometime or another...just remember i can be emo-ish, lol.
I LOVE YOU TOO!!! times 7777777, lol.
yeah...kims a bitch... but whatever. i dont need her, i have my awesome friends...like you :D
[Anonymous]
lol whoo! 7 is the best number ever!
(sorry, i have a thing for the number 7...no idea why. its just my fetish ;) lol)
and you're one of the best people ever!!!
lol, i love you more! times 7 to the max!
lmao, that makes no sense! whoo, go me!
[Anonymous]
yeah i feel the same way,im happy for about a day than im back to slitting my wrists and being depressed. i wish i could be normal
whoever it is, theyre idiots. youre the awesomest ever, you shouldnt be tortured, you should be worshiped.
all hail the awesomest jade! *bows*
*jumps up and hugs jade* be happy!
hope things get better soon :( if not, ill...be sad.
lol sorry, dunno where that came from... random moment i guess.
how the hell could she do that to you? what a fucking whore! sorry but thats just seriously MESSED.
i could never like one of my friends brothers...thats just...ugh.
so she knew you were having a bad week, but she still fucked your brother after you had an anxiety attack? what the hell! i wouldn't have left my friends side if they had just had an anxiety attack, especially not you...
dude thats so screwed up!
i worship you jade! *bows* *loses balance and falls over* i throw myself at your feet!
lol sorry, im havin another random attack.
let me know if you need anything, im always here.
seriously, if you want me to yell at her i will. i have no problem with it ;) lol.
sorry for that annonymous one
i cant say i really know exactly how you feel, cuz i dont have any brothers...but ive got the idea.
lol ok, i wont yell at her then. but just remember, the offers still there if you change your mind ;)
and thanks...youre aready helping me a ton just by bein there and talking to me.
ok, ill write you a note sometime or another...just remember i can be emo-ish, lol.
I LOVE YOU TOO!!! times 7777777, lol.
yeah...kims a bitch... but whatever. i dont need her, i have my awesome friends...like you :D
(sorry, i have a thing for the number 7...no idea why. its just my fetish ;) lol)
and you're one of the best people ever!!!
lol, i love you more! times 7 to the max!
lmao, that makes no sense! whoo, go me!