for the past few months, i've felt like the world is just working against me. the world took a break a little during the beginning of the year, then came back. i feel like nothing is going for me,even good things that happen (getting an A on my calc final) don't result in good things (i still get a b in the class...by .5 points) i know i should look at all the good things that come my way and where i am in life and just be happy, but its hard when everyone around me seems to be succeeding. or when others get things that i feel like i deserved, that other people tell me i deserved. or when people treat me like shit and expect me to take it as thought nothing gets to me. i'm just supposed to take it in stride and comfort the other ones. well you know what i'm fucking sick of it. i'm sick of being used, being treated like 'oh you can try to be better than me, but it'll never happen. I will always win because i always need to be better than you' well fuck that. its more than just one person. its a lot of people. i haven't won a fucking thing in like 2 years. OK? and i'm not going to get anything any time soon! It just doesn't happen to me and people always wonder why, well i'm wondering too. am i selfish to want good things to happen to me too? YES. I AM A SELFISH BITCH. LIVE WITH IT. I work my freaking ass off and seem to get nothing in return. Just the "satisfaction of a job well done" lately i've really just wanted to get OUT OF HERE. i don't care where, but just get me away from people, from school, from myself. get me away. i can't even run now because my ankles are fucking messed up. excuse my language but damn. i feel fat, ugly, full of zits like whereve ri walk people look at me and go 'well...she used to be pretty...she works so hard and i she should win things and get the glory. OH WELL" i don't normally cry easily. i only cry when something really serious happens, and lately, i've just wanted to burst into tears because everything has been such a rollercoaster. i can't stand it. and no, i'm not pmsing. and i know that for sure. my parents always tell me, it will balance out in the end, don't worry. when will it balance out? when is the end? how will it balance out? tell me that Theory of Knowledge. Why is life not fair. C'mon parker, enlighten me. why the fuck do i bother working so hard, if i could get the same result from doing nothing. literally nothing. when will it pay off? wil my work ethic pay off in the real world, or will it all end up just like it is now. aren't i in the real world now? i don't see any protective shield around me, don't see any fairies, it sure smells like the real world. agggghhhh its not worth it.