Have you ever noticed that during the seasons of fall and spring, I tend to be a total basket case of stress, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts? Hmmm I have! Yes thats right folks, its the time of the year again, J's gone insane. A brief look back on the last two weeks - West End - West End ended on a pretty mild note. I talked and flirted with many. Got yelled at by a few (Derrick and Gwyn) for taunting them by smoking in front of them - Don't worry folks I'm not Actually smoking, its more like I realized it freaked them out so if the opportunity presented itself to take a drag and freak them out, I took it. The expressions on their faces was priceless. I really need to give someone a camera just to get it on film one of these days. Took lots of pictures and traded addresses and phone numbers with a few people. Hoping to keep touch during the winter. Sounds fun. School - Its been going really fast. Classes are going pretty well. I don't know why I'm taking the one because it's really stupid. If I thought I could transfer out of it into a different one at this point in time I would because honestly its just plain dumb. I'm positive I'll ace it for that fact alone. In fact honestly speaking all of my classes are like that- no hard work or attention required. Except this week. For some reason my parents have decided that I don't actually get stress or have homework or a life. I have 2 group projects - one is due on Wednesday and I haven't even had 10 min to get any of it done. So I'm a little freaked out I don't want them to single me out as a slacker especially when its something simple like looking up furniture online and pricing it. (Which I'm actually working on while typing this up). The other project we're just working on preliminary stuff. Oh by the way its 1:30 in the morning and I have to be up at 7:45 to get ready for work at the carnival tomorrow. But, in addition to the two projects, my philosophy class just explain the 5 papers due in that class over the course of the semester due when ever (which I'd actually like to start and get done so I'm not doing 5 papers the day before the semester ends or something equally horrific, especially b/c we have to read a book on a specific philosopher and their philosophy beliefs to write the paper) and I still have my general day to day homework. Now I'm not saying I have a lot of work, I'm saying I have no fking time to do it. I haven't been home one single day this week. So I figure ok, well I can get the bulk of it done Sunday and the rest I can get done Monday and Tuesday (refering to my homework and project one that's due Wednesday), wrong. Mom started complaining about how much work SHE has to get done on the computer on Sunday and how SHE is taking off Tuesday and Wednesday of next week to get her stuff done. I'm ready to scream or cry I don't know which. I'm on the verge of a break down b/c I can't say anything to them. They're freaked about everything and I don't want to be a bitch to my parents, but they're making me wanna quit school and sell myself online as a slave to another country just to get away. Or market myself as a mail order bride. Or some shit like that. Hell I'd settle for getting all my money affairs in order and moving out of state far far away from them at this point. I just can't take it. They're putting it all on me and I'm already loaded down with trying to pass my classes so I can finish my education and move out of their damn house! Enough spazzing - I can't wait till the season is over. I've been putting in applications just about everywhere to get part time work to pay for gas and other luxuries this winter. I'm planning on calling our family insurance company and asking about getting my own car insurance. My brother's fiancee's family has a car they wanna give me just to get rid of it, but i have to be able to pay the insurance. Well, I've got some money saved and last weeks pay plus this weeks pay that I can put into it. Hopefully that'll be enough I can get the car. Unfortunatly that'll mean I have to actually work this winter :-p like I wasnt' gonna do that this winter. No actually it'll mean I'll have to cut down on my book addiction and save the money up to replace the funds I'm gonna be spending (it's part of my nest egg...ok my whole nest egg - I've been saving for when I wanna move out). I still haven't gotten the computer they promised me for graduation which would have been really nice to have since mom and I are going to be fighting for the computer this week to get school stuff done. I kinda envy my brother sometimes. He's damn near completely alienated himself from his family, yet he's happy and he's not working in the business anymore. I wish I could do that. Just shut off my feelings and say "Go to Hell, I have things I need to do to insure my future and I don't have time to work your trailers for you. Find someone else." but, at the same time they've trained me to be loyal and feel guilty for everything I do so that just wont work now will it? No. Anyway, this is really turning into a huge bitch fest - sorry ppl it wasn't supposed to be. We have two more spots to work at - it was only supposed to be one but the show found a last minut thing for us (no one wants to go) so instead of being just next week its next week and the week after. I need to tell them I can't work some of next week becuase I really do need to get my work done and sunday isn't going to be long enough for me to get everything done, and monday I have school all day long with perhaps a 2-3 hr break in the middle for driving and dinner. Its been like 3 weeks since I've been to the gym, I feel miserable. I gained half a lb. I didn't get to do all my mailing. I sent out a few letters with pictures on Thursday, some more are going out tomorrow and then more still on Monday (if I have time to get to the post office). My laundry has been sitting in my room for almost all of this week waiting to be done but I havn't had time for that. I'm just really freaking tired of putting all my wants, needs, and personal responsibilities on hold for them. Am I being selfish? I feel like I am but I can't tell if its real or if it's just the guilt I've been trained for. I miss everyone, friends from school, family - i never thought i'd say this but i miss my brother, the AOF, my other brother- Chad, my Big sisters - Simone and Pam, My sex counselor- I mean my cousin Millie,Gumby...My sisters. I found a quote in my one book that really hit me hard, in fact it's the reason I'm typing all this in, in a sort of not really kinda way for me to keep in touch with everyone. The quote goes - The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but one of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grown up under the same roof. ~ Richard Bach Anyway, So to summarize everything you just read - Work sucks, schools boring, I have no time for anything, I'm busy planning to transfer, and I miss everyone. That about covers it. *big hugz to everyone* If you're religious or ever spiritual and you know a prayer or two for I don't know peace or patience or courage ...or any other you think might help please send them my way. I'm needing all the help that I can get and since I don't have a stonge system at the moment having someone else give a shout out to the supreem who ever that I need some attention would be really nice. ~ going to sleep and praying for peace of mind.