15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time: 1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking. 2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3 Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms. 4 Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares ..... and see what happens. 5 Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away. 6 Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7 Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department. 8 When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' 9 Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose. 10 While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are. 11 Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme. 12 In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels. 13 Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" 14 When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!" ( And; last, but not least!) 15 Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"     NEVER SAY TO A COP 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas) 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 5. Are You Andy or Barney? 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 8. I pay your salary! 9. Gee, Office r! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!     10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are. 12. When the Officer says "Gee Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?" FOOTBALL & THE BLONDE A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.  They had great seats right behind their team's bench.  After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'  I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!" well heres a pic of me dinking off on break at work and of my tats the eye is still kinda scabbed so