my hubby is so cute, yes he is. he spoils me like no other. and i have to admit that i loooove it :p. it's so adorable b/c u can tell that he doesn't really want to, but he does it cus he loves me. it's so cute how he just knows that i'm smiling over the phone, tells me what I'm going to say next, and realizes how things will and do affect me. he came over monday and i was at a loss of words, all studdery, when i tried to tell him something. i was just
so...
so...
amazed by his gorgeous smile with his bright white teeth and that grin, o my gosh, that grin that he has... *sighs* he actually has the power to send shivers down my spine, making it go numb just by kissing the back of my neck, cause me to lose all talkin control when i look at him...
gosh.
this kid.
and laughing... o my gosh, he can make me laugh like no other no matter how HARD i try to act all mean and tough. it just doens't work with him... i just can't do it. :D
my boyfriend is in NY and yet we still find a fuckin way to fight. and of course he's always worried about me cheating on him. like i would fuckin do that shit to us. i am not a dumb bitch. i know that what i got is good and i aint leaving that behind. it's just not happening. and that gets me pissed when he even starts to think that. i miss him sooooooo much. like forreal. these last past days have been hell, but fuck it. now i'm pissed and i just needed to let that out. imma go do some shit like sleep or something to stop fuckin thinkin about this stupid ass shit. i still love that punk tho. ugh..
my hubby left for new york today :'(. i was all depressed in midblock and caro, katherine, and nati were all supporting me, Lol. they were thinkin i was gonna start crying. i miss him already! he called today tho. :) and yesterday i went to his house to see him one last time. we held hands walking in this like down town lookin lil city just talkin and laughing. then he took me out to eat and then we got dessert from DQ. we shared a blizzard and he fed it to me! awwwww. my baby's soooo cute and sweet. i lub him with all of my heart. and i miss him sooo much! i dono what im going to do with my life for the next week. :'( i want my hubby back!!!! and i want him back now!!!! n he thinks that he's going to the army...pssh. look at me now, can u even imagine me if he did that?
You are my world,
My oceans,
My seas
You are my cool Winter,
My colorful Fall,
My Summer breeze
You are my good day,
My bright morning,
My warm night
You are my reassurance,
My stability,
My person who makes things right
You are my reason to be good,
My reason to be better,
My reason to give
You are my picture book,
My everlasting moments,
My every memory I want to relive
You are my diary of secrets,
My heart & soul,
My mind
You are everything I need in someone,
My laugh, my smile,
My lover and friend combined
You are all I ever wanted,
My longing fantasy,
My everything I dreamed of
You are now here with me,
My hubby and sweetheart,
My l.o.v.e.
right now idk what to do with myself so i will type an entry. my hunny is sleeping on my bed right now and i'm not tired. so i am by myself, kinda. anywho... today i shadowed him at school. that wasn't too bad. now i just gotta wait for him to want to shadow me. i doubt thas gonna happen tho.:-/ ehh, life goes on, i suppose. hmmm... not much else to say. tomorrow is our 5 month and i want to wake him up. Lol. cus i am bored, but thas mean so no. yeeaa... just realized that i don't have as much as i thought i did to say. if that made any sense. :p
so this week hasn't been half bad so far. :)
idk what my deal is. i get so jealous and mad about the littlest things with eddy. if he ever left idk what i'd do. i'd be no one... nothing. this is why i think i have a problem. not just one, either... many, too many. idk if it's cus i am on my period that i feel like this or if i really have finally realized that i do have things going on in my head and life that i need to work out. i just care about this kid so FUCKEN MUCH! i love him so much that i hate it. who in the hell gets mad cus he hugs some girl in front them? me! thas who. i just don't want another girl to even THINK for a split second that he cares about her or that she means something of worth or that she thinks she "got him." even if she does mean something to him, i dont want her to. and ik it's selfish and horrible, but that's just how i feel. i can't lie about my feelings cus that wont get me anywhere. and what pisses me off even more is that i got pissed off about it in the first place. i'm andrea sottile, i don't care about stupid shit like that....
except, i do...
man, i am fucked up. i am a selfish, greedy, careless person. all i seem to care about is me. i just don't want him doing things that he wouldn't want me to do. i don't want his arms around another girl!!!! and i'm sorry... i'm sooo sorry, but thas just the way i feel... :(
and it's not only that i care soooo much about him, it's that i'm not sure that he cares about me as much as i care about him. i mean... ik that he cares, but he doesn't understand how madly in love i am with him and this way i think it's impossible for him to feel for me as i do for him. and like... i was thinkin today that if there was another girl out there like me, but that looked 10 times better he'd pick her. idk... i just don't think i am good enough for him a lot of the time. esp since all of his lil girl friends look like fucken models.... *sighs* i just don't think i am enough. and i don't wanna leave him, cus i love him and ik he loves me.... but it's just hard being with someone that u don't think u are fit for...
wow, been awhile. umm... the quarter is almost over. robby left for the army; i cried. mom is always sad. friendships are for shit. life is just a mess. relationships are confusing. stress and frustration overwhelm me.
here i am in school, yup... back at ham-house; covering up with papers cus it's soooo flippin cold! ghetto @$$ school.... sheesh! i am supposed to be doing research and such, but... i aint! aha. i figured i'd update this bia cus i haven't in awhile. so yea. same old stuff here, except a lil crazier. life has been quite difficult and hard to handle lately. BUT... i am handling it well, i'd say. i am still in love with my hubby; edgardo. the wonderful love of my life...who i will hopefully be able to see this weekend. :( i need a good dose of him at this point. he is really the only person who makes me feel good ALL THE TIME. it's so cute how i can always count on him to be there... i love him o so much! :D i am going to marry that man...! GTG!
this is so sad, every day all day all i do is sit here. it gets on my nerves. i get bored to the point where i am tired and/or pissed. music has lost it's sound, the world; it's color... it's just so blah. man, i cannot believe that i am about to say this, but I WANT SCHOOL TO FUCKIN START ALREADY! summer '05 sucks!
doesn't he know how much i care? doesn't he know that i also need him to be there? doesn't he know that i also love him, or that i can't live without him... or that i dont want to lose him either???? DOESN'T HE KNOW?
well, lemme tell you something, he doesn't know.
and it's hard b/c i never had anyone tell me the things he tells me; let alone KNOWING that he means it. so i dont know what to do with that.
do i say the same thing back? no, then he'll think i dont mean it... but i do....
do i tell him what i've been telling him? that there is no me without him... no smile to my face, no happy feelings inside me, none of that. just a blur of colors all around when he is not with me. but if it hasn't clicked yet, then will it ever?
does he want me take long walks with him again, laying under the stars cuddling close to his chest, kissing in the darkness? if he was here, i would...
does he want proof?
m4k3sw33TLuv2m3: all u do is talk about him
m4k3sw33TLuv2m3: how good he makes u feel
m4k3sw33TLuv2m3: how u've never felt that way with anyone before
m4k3sw33TLuv2m3: and all that good shit
i dont know what to do anymore. the question is not "what do u do when the one you love doesn't love you back?" the question is; "what do you do when the one you love doesn't believe that you do?"
yes, i feel adored just b/c my bf is so cute to me. the things he says, when he says them, the things he does, and why he does them. gosh... :D yea. he even got me the crow comforter! *sighs* he's too sweet to me
bored... looking forward to tomorrow.
last night i spent the night at my cousin rose's house and i couldn't fall asleep. she went to bed at like 11-12 sumthin. all while i was up til like 2-3 sumthin. man, i was soo bored. all i did was look at the freakin ceiling cus she had no comp. i wanted to call my hunny and talk to him, but it was too late. so i called felicia cus she is always up late, but no answer. i just couldn't fall asleep! it bothered me sooo much. so then i finally fall asleep and i have to wake up at 8:30!!!! wtf? cus rose had to babysit and i went with. so once we got there i couldn't go back to bed. i was like wtf is wrong with me?? maybe cus all i was thinkin about was my boyfriend :p he he. so then i went in the back room to sleep and had to crawl behind isiah; her cute lil boy that she babysits. and i didn't want to wake him up, so i didn't move around alot; which i wanted to do cus i couldn't sleep. and then it was really bright in there cus the curtains (right on my left side) kept blowing open somehow. i ended up only sleeping for like an hour or so b/c most of the time i just laid there trying to get back to sleep. so yea, no sleep hardly and i am wide awake right now. and to add, i ate weird all day today. no real meals at all. then we went up to the park with the kids and some guys still had the nerve to beep at us, WHEN WE HAD SOME FREAKIN' KIDS WITH US! ugh, ppl these days and their stupidity. anywho... at the park today they had this lil water hole, kiddy pool thing and i went to go put my feet it. all of the sudden a "life guard" guy came outta nowhere and was just watching me like i was gonna drown in 2 feet of water. lol. so i just left, cus he was weird. so then at the end of the trip me and olivia went to wash our feet in the water hole and the guy came charging outta the building again and sed something about needing him to be out there if we went in. i was like uhhh "o-k." so me and rose were joking about it after me and olivia got out and rose sed something slick about him, only to find out that he was behind her. lol! ooo, i almost forgot the funniest part of the day. isiah shit his pants nasty. it was horrible and all seeping out the side of his diaper. so rose called me out of the bathroom while i was dressing cus she "needed my help." so i come out of the bathroom and she asks me to hold a baby wipe over her nose so that she didn't gag (yea, it was that bad) so she handed me one wipe. i was like, "uhh... can i have one too, ho... i am holding it for your bitch ass." she laughed and gave one to me. so while this bitch is doing nothing about the fucken shit everywhere, i am bending over trying to hold a wipe over her nose and mine. then, she couldn't see cus i was shakin from laughing cus she was laughing. next, she drops his foot it the shit. then asks me to hold his other foot up in the air.. "yea, ok rose... with my third hand and all." she just kept laughing. by then all i could do was breathe through my mouth and the smell made me gag to the point where i had to run to the bathroom cus i almost threw up. and i am not one to gag easily at all. so basically, me being in there period was pointless b.c she never got the shit cleaned up, all she did was laugh, and i ended up wanting to throw up. so, rose being rose, she decided to just pick him up with shit alllll over him and give him a bath [in 2 inches of water, WHILE making him stand]. so he's in there freezing his nuts off while rose takes her time. he's all shivering. poor baby... then after she rinses all that mess off, she doesn't drain the tub til i tell her to. she was just gonna keep using the shit water. i was like wtf? how in the blue hell did u get this job? so then she wants to wash his hair since he's already in the 2 inches of water. so she makes him stand there longer,... freezing... shivering. i was just laughing remembering how my g-ma used to do that to me in the tub; just let me sit in 4 inches of water. i'd freeze my ass off. all so i "wouldn't drown." drown? in what? i couldn't drown in that even if i tried. gawsh. so yea. that was my day. and then i talked on the phone with my hunny for like over 5 hours total today. he's sooo cute. just the little things that he does makes me smile like no other. i dont think anyone can make me smile as big and as much as he does :D that's just one of the many things that i love o-so-much about him.
The Crow is on tv :D
WTH is some ppl's problems?? My *cough* ex *cough* --I don't like admitting to that word-- called today outta nowhere. He's all like "Hey, what's up?" WTF do u think is up??!?!?! I STILL can't stand you and how you treated me. DUH!!! If i wanted to tell you what was "up" I woulda fucken called you myself, stupid ass prick; child molestin' mutha fucker! Gosh, I can't stand him and his stupidity. He sed, "It sounds like u don't wanna talk to me."
"HMM, LET'S SEE... CUS I DON'T!!!!!!!!!!!"
"I thought we put all that stuff behind us and were cool now... O, so we can't be cool anymore?"
does it fucken look like i put it behind me??!?!? YOU are about all that i put behind me, but how horrible of a person you made me feel like... i'll never forget that bullshit!!!
I sed no, we can't be "cool." I don't need that in my life anymore, he ruined it enough. FUCK YOU!! I HOPE ONE DAY YOU UNDERSTAND JUST HOW MUCH OF A NASTY, PERVERTED DICK HEAD YOU WERE/ARE AND ALWAYS WILL BE. SUCK A DICK, BITCH AND MAKE IT GOOD!
Ugh, I feel so uncomfortable and unsafe around him. And that was just on the phone! All I wanted right then and there was for my bf to be next to me holding me in his arms cus I felt so vulnerable, like my *cough* ex *cough* could make me feel like he did before once again today; those horrible feelings that I had for myself as a person. The only person I feel happy with and safe wasn't here to rescue me from those feelings of... I guess being scared of my ex and not wanting to think of how bad he made me feel, not wanting to relive any of that Hell. UGH!!!! I CAN'T STAND THAT BITCH!!!!!
I ACHE....SO FREAKIN BAD.... THAT I FEEL ABUSED!!!! LOLZ.
so i heard this new song today called "One Wish" and it's lovely, i am in love with it ;). MY O-SO FINE, SO SO SEXY, CAN'T STOP THINKIN ABOUT, MY MAN; EDGARDO RIVERA introduced me to this song.
today all i did was clean a lil and hang out with my gf, ashley. that was good times. we just walked n talked and shared some PDA over the webcam. lmfao! i was sittin on her lap cus my ass hurt from yesterday. ahaha. whew. anywho... then we were walkin in the house and both sed at the same time "I'm all alone..." and then we looked at each other like we were foreign objects and then she sed "did u just say what i said?" -which i was about to say, but didn't. and idk we just started laughing cus we are dorks.
and last night i was out in south mil. with my boyfriend. we were riding these uncomfortable ass bikes, man. that hurt my booty. and then he got me my crow blanket!!! :D :D :D i wanted to jump up and start screaming and crying, but i contained myself. lol. and didn't, i just smiled, sed thank you, and kissed him. i played it off all cool. and then later he got me this really nice necklace. it's purrty. n i stole his boxers n tshirt, so i got new jammies guys! lol. but he'll prolly want that back
:-/ so ehh...
well, it is 3:36 pm and kara and i woke up 36 minutes ago. ahahah. yea. latest i think i have ever slept. i guess it was a long night for everyone last night. and felicia and her were both over here for a lil while last night; that was interesting. lol. felicia got so excited that i ALMOST sed "lookin ass" that she fell off the bed! AHAHAHA
STUPID ASS!!!!! FUCKEN MEXICANS!!!! and then later on after i started doing kara's eyebrows SHE fell off the bed, i was like WTF? why do ppl just keep fallin to the floor in hurr??? so that was funny too. but then again it's always funny when i do that girl's eyebrows. we always end up crackin up over something. most of the time b/c i have to get on top of her to do her right eyebrow and she's all freakin out (most of the time) and it's just hillarious. but then about an hour later, the eyebrow gets done. so, it's fun. lol. and then we went to McDonald's at 12:33 or sumthin thinkin that it's open later now-a-days (LIKE THE FREAKIN COMMERCIAL SAYS) so we steal ted's bike AGAIN!!! -ahaha felicia... anywho... and i peg kara up there. i was tired as hello and then i am all hot n sweaty and kara is tellin ME to hurry up cus her feet are cold. fuck that bitch. ahahah. u kno i love u kara. all while we are lookin out for the po-po's cus we didnt' want a ticket. so one time we thought we saw some high official ppl in a truck so i drove the bike down a grass hill with her in the back bouncin around. lol. and now kara just fell backwards on the bed, WTF?!?!?! i dont understand what the problem is with my bed. LMFAO. so then we came back with the bike, NOT GETTIN CAUGHT THIS TIME, YES!!! SCORE!!! ahaha. and we walked up to the gas station since we were salty and mcdonald's was closed. there was this like mex/arabian lookin dude just staring at us up at mcdonald's. we were all trying to open the door and he's sitting inside just staring. ahaha lol. but i was like fuck this shit, i rode allll the way up here WITH a bitch on my back so imma try to open the door!!! gosh. ahaha. luv u again, kara. o yea... back to the gas station.... first of all we wanted everything that we saw. we'd make up our mind about one thing, and then want another, so we had to get outta there quick. so as soon as we got out the cops were right there! so i was like o shit and turned around all while kara thought i slammed myself hands up against this truck that was right there. like i was trippin. when really it was just the guy closing the truck door. ahaha. blondes... well, that was my night. and here i am now sharing this with u ppl... gtg.
here's me (right) and my homeslice, Kara, dressed up in our guy friends' clothes at my birthday party! LoL. good times...
Kara is sporting...
-Tabari's hat
-Tabari's back pack
-Tabari's coat
-Steven's shoes
I am wearing...
-Steven's hat
-Steven's back pack
-Frankie's hoodie
-Tabari's shorts
-Mario's shoes
last night/this morning was fun. me and felicia stayed out til 2 in the morning just talking and then went to bed around 3. but i mainly wrote this entry to show u guys my hunny. here he is... the love of my life :D
It is currently 12:31 and I am up! when i went to bed at 6 sumthing... sheesh. why am i up right now?? it doesn't make any sense to me. it might be the oreos that i ate before i went to bed and now the three that i had for breakfast, lol. but idk. anywhom... i think i am going to write an acutal entry today, which i have not done in awhile; usually b/c i dont have the time or the patience now-a-days. but now i am all alone at felicia's cus she left with matt.
:( lol. ditcher! aha jk, i love you Felicia. but about me lately... *sighs* i am sooo wonderful and happy, i have nothing to complain about. i think this is all b/c of my lovely boyfriend. Gosh, it feels good to call him that! MY BOYFRIEND, EDGARDO RIVERA! *smiles* ahah. moving on... i am so in love with him that it's crazy. all i ever think about is him, him, and o yea! MORE HIM! but i dont mind, b/c i love him!!! yes, yes i do! and it's omgosh-ness. he is the perfect one for me, so sweet, caring, respectful, fun, fine (:D) and ... :) :) everything, everything that i ever wanted, plus more. idk what i did to get him or deserve him, but i am sure glad that i did!! he is everything that i know... everything that i am... everything that i love. i would do anything for that boy. i am in love :D :D
well, i got to see my baby yesterday; basically the whole day. and even tho we had to stay at some family gathering of his step-dad's it was still fun. so yea... for the most part i was happy and we are so in love and can't get enough of each other. this is the one guys ;) i promise!