dearest rach- there are no words to describe how worried and sick i feel right now. everything that could go wrong is running through my head at the highest velocity possible. i cant help but think that if you're hurt then it's my fault. horrible things wont stop harassing my eyes; your father doing something again, you hurting yourself to the point of no return, someone else harming you. its becoming unbearable. i dont know what i would do if i lost you, my dearest dearest rachael. i love you so much; you have absolutely no idea how much i care for you. i feel like we're connected somehow. like we were meant to met and help each other. these minutes wont go by quick enough so that i can run home and get on msn to hopefully see you on there and be reassured that you, my darling rachael, my sister, my better half, are ok. i would be dead without you. i cannot stand the thought of losing you. i cant bear to even think of that because i fear that i will break down and cry until i cant cry anymore. i cant lose you, too. no, not you. you're too important to me. i've already lost someone important to me, but they aren't nearly as important to you. i'm praying to a false god that i've never believed in that nothing is wrong and that you're just in one of those moods where you say things that you dont mean. oh my god rachael, im dying right now not knowing whats going on with you. i swear that i would do anything to help you! i would sell drugs, i would steal, i would sell myself to drunk men on the streets, i would kill to help you and make sure that you were ok. if you need to get away from there, i will work anyway possible until i have enough money to fly you over here, just to make sure that you are safe and ok. i would die for you rachael. i love you so much. god, i hope that you are ok. . .please tell me that you are ok and that nothing has happened to you. please, just leave me at least one word telling me that you're ok. please, oh god, please let you be ok. . . i love you more than any words can say chelsea

Please support the Animal Liberation Front ------------- What does Direct Action Mean? It means that you are no longer prepared to sit back and allow terrible, cruel things to happen. The camerman in Ethiopia took direct action, he filmed the worst disaster that has ever happened to human beings. He realised it was too enormous a problem to handle himself - so he took the films home in the hope other people would help. They did. Are you prepared to sit back any longer? Direct action in animal rights means causing economic damage to those who abuse and make profits from exploitation. START! It's possible to do things alone, slash tyres, glue up locks, butchers, burger bars, the furriers, smash windows, bankrupt the lot. Throw paint over shops and houses. Paint stripper works great on cars. Chewing gum sticks well to fur coats. A seized engine just won't start, sand in the petrol tank means that delivery's going nowhere. When the new death shop opens up make sure you're the first person to be there. If the circus comes to town remember what goes up must come down. Stop contributing to the abuse yourself - don't eat meat, don't buy leather. Buy non-animal tested make up, herbal soap and shampoo's better. Try and form a group of people that you know that you can trust and plan ambitious direct action, sometimes risky but a must. Only when you have animal liberation will we obtain human freedom, when the last vivisectionist's blade is snapped. It will be that one step nearer to peace. Direct action in the animal movement is sussed and strong, and our final goal is not far off. Animal lovers, vandals, hooligans, cranks; recognise the labels? They say we don't care about human beings. We say all sentient beings, animal or human have the right to live, free from pain, torture and suffering. They say because we are human and speak the same, we matter more. Is our pain and suffering any greater or lesser than that of animals? Human v. animal rights is as much a prejudice as black v. white or the nazis versus the jews an affront to our freedom. Vivisection is a violation of human beings, the same as it is for animals. We have a chemical world built on a pile of drugs to thanks for their experiments. Drugs are designed for profit, manufactured to suppress symptoms. Human freedom, animal rights. It's one struggle, one fight. When animal abuse is stopped then human abuse will soon stop also, an attitude of mind. "An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind". Start by protecting the weak, the defenceless, animals, the sick, the disabled. Compassion and emotion are our most important safety values. If we lose them, then 'we lose' the vitality of life itself. Emotional? Hooligans? Cranks?....

If God is my father then I am an orphan.

I wish gravity would just fuck off and let me float out into space where i have nothing to worry about m fucking sick of this corrupt world that we live on. why not just get in a rocket and go to mars and live there with no problems/ im sorry this makes no sence. im too fucking high. Im back on the sniff. My cocaine addiction is way out of hand again. i never had control if it i dont supose but now i think of pretty much nothing else. so brads gone away for 5 weeks and he started on the beak too before he went away an he took a 14 ball of coke with him to keep him awake and alert whilw hes there [hes there with work] thats a pissy amount compared with what im snorting now. I wish it wasnt like this/ an 8 bal over 2 days is just too much if i can even make it last tht long. I cant even go and se my friends anymore unless its to pick up coke because im ashame of the way its made me. Red nose, red eyes, sweating constantly, Glazed eyes. Its fucked up./ I hate this,. Im out of control. This is out of comtrol. [going to see wishbone ash on friday! vcant wait]

He hurt me last night. He turned me over and took all of my dignity away. The little that I had left. This is the first and last time that I have been sodomised by him or anyone. It won’t happen again. It won’t happen again because it can’t once I’m 10ft under the ground. Nothing can hurt me once the last nail goes in my coffin. But maybe I shouldn’t be so selfish. My father needs to feed his hunger for little girls. He needs their flesh. He needs them dry and screaming in pain. If I go…who will he rape? Will there be another victim? Will the pain and suffering be turned on someone else? What will he do without young, starving creatures? Shivering and crying. Hurting. What will he do without me? Is this the end?

i went 28 days. I slipped. My need for drugs just got too much. I needed that bitter taste sliding down my throat as I snorted up a line. So I did. Do I regret it? I didn’t at the time. I do now. Calling on sweet muses tonight. I need some inspiration. Where am i to go? Art is my guide War is the pathway

Nineteen days. I never thought I would be able to do this. Although I just want to bury my face in a pile of cocaine to get my fix I completeley refuse to. I wont do it. This is it now. I cant promise anything. Maybe I'm holding onto false hope. Maybe I can really do this. Only time will tell.

No cocaine since 1st january. Thats me clean for 9 days. Sounds like a pathetic amount of time. Its not. I miss cocaine. Like I would miss my lover. Since ive been straight I have come to realise that there is no such thing as silence. That is all.

I got the implant last night in my arm. It’s called the implanon and it stops you from getting pregnant for up to 3 years. Which is ace. Just what I needed but it aches a lot this morning and I have some bruising. Oh well… Apart from that there’s nothing much going on. I’m feeling pretty down right now. I’ve bee straight for 2 days now and I feel like I want to throw up my organs. This hurts but it’s worth it. I don’t want to be smacked up my whole life. Until next time x

Jay's finally got himself addicted. Found him doing coke on his own. Spend £250 on it in a week. Blew more than me. Fucked I guess. I warned him.

Took speed last night for the second time and I can undoubtedly say NEVER AGAIN! I can’t even really believe I’m on the internet. I feel so shit that I want to curl up and just die. But it was ace…It was so fuckin buzzin I loved it. The comedown is fucking terrible though you wouldn’t believe it. I threw up pure loads of water before and so did Dave but it was fucking funny because Dave threw up on some birds bed at this after party we were at [after Alcatraz at the cavern club – drum ‘n’ bass night] and he just rubbed the sick in and then sat on it haha because it was just water. But yeah…kids…don’t take speed! So I’m feeling pretty okay today. A little bit happy. Things are going okay. My sister had the baby and called him Joshua. He’s beautiful. I love him. Anyway. I should go I need to sleep…although I know I won’t be able to because I’m still a bit fucked…its fucking horrible.

Define to me what fucked up is then? ---------- So hows it going everyone? Havent snorted in 2 days. Me and Brad are back together [hypocrite I know] Nothing much has changed. Although alot has changed in my mind. Skitsophrenia is slowly beind induced by how much cannabis I smoke. Well..gutted hey. ---------------------- Leave you with some Bob Marley to cheer you all up. No, woman, no cry; No, woman, no cry; No, woman, no cry; No, woman, no cry. 'Cause - 'cause - 'cause I remember when a we used to sit In a government yard in Trenchtown, Oba - obaserving the 'ypocrites - yeah! - Mingle with the good people we meet, yeah! Good friends we have, oh, good friends we have lost Along the way, yeah! In this great future, you can't forget your past; So dry your tears, I seh. Yeah! No, woman, no cry; No, woman, no cry. Eh, yeah! A little darlin', don't shed no tears: No, woman, no cry. Eh! Said - said - said I remember when we used to sit In the government yard in Trenchtown, yeah! And then Georgie would make the fire lights, I seh, logwood burnin' through the nights, yeah! Then we would cook cornmeal porridge, say, Of which I'll share with you, yeah! My feet is my only carriage And so I've got to push on through. Oh, while I'm gone, Everything's gonna be all right! Everything's gonna be all right! Everything's gonna be all right, yeah! Everything's gonna be all right! Everything's gonna be all right-a! Everything's gonna be all right! Everything's gonna be all right, yeah! Everything's gonna be all right! So no, woman, no cry; No, woman, no cry. I seh, O little - O little darlin', don't shed no tears; No, woman, no cry, eh. No, woman - no, woman - no, woman, no cry; No, woman, no cry. One more time I got to say: O little - little darlin', please don't shed no tears; No, woman, no cry.

Well it's been a while. Things havent been easy. Ive realised how much I actually hate being sober now. If im not fucked up on drugs then I cant face reality. Im 17. Just listen to me for fucks sake. Im 17and im ADDICTED to cocaine. Fuck. So my dad went to Cuba for a week [got back yesterday morning]. He saw his arse when he got back though...fair play to him because we had a week long party while he was away and practically everything was broken and I didnt clean up and I didnt lock the house up because I was too high to care. As im typing this im shaking. Thats from all the beak last night. Probably the most amazing beak ive ever tried. Fuck it was good. Come down is terrible though. So me and Brad have been fucking. Before I lead him on to thinking were going out or something then I need to tell him what I really feel, and what I really feel is Love BUT I do NOT want a relationship ever again. Ever. Hmmm not much more needs saying I dont suppose. Fucked my arms up from cutting. Fucked my nose up from snorting. Fucked everything up pretty much...Nothing new. Probably wont hear from me for a while. I only remember to come on here when im clean. After a binge usually. When im on a come down. I find talking on this thing theraputic for some reason. But really I just want to go to bed and/or find a corner and curl up and die.

Shaved women Collaborators Shaved women Are they traitors? Dead bodies all around Screaming babies Screaming babies Screaming babies Shaved women Instigators Shaved women Disco dancing Shaved women Shooting dope Screaming babies Screaming babies Screaming babies In all your decadence people die In all your decadence people die

Does anyone else fucking hate people who leave you comments that you really dont give a shit about and then they have a friends only diary because theyre fags and cant stand to hear your oppinion back? Well let me tell you mryan that your a fuck wit. Im not into art...so why would I want to be expressing art in my face you cock. I simply like piercings....does it really offend you that much? are you really THAT much of a fag. Arent there better things for you to worry about in life, like the fact that were headed into world war 3? Go fuck yourself good mryan you need it. Asshole. ------------------------------------------- Ha Ha heh Im not sure where to start... Okay so I moved back home with my dad [ive been living with paul for like 2 months?] and everything was sound with my dad until he came home from work... and me and Paul were fucking [like I mean FUCKING!] upstairs and the bed was banging on the wall and I was making way too much noise [mid orgasm] and I hear this 'RACHAEL! GET DOWN HERE NOW' So I get up real quick but Im shaking loads because ive just had the greatest sex of my life [probably because I was clean - completeley sober] and yeah so I got up...got dressed really quick in some jeans i found on the floor which were really dirty, a pjama top with no bra and cams really massive hoodie and i go downstairs and im like 'What the fuck are you shouting at me for?' and hes like 'IM NOT FUCKING DEAF I KNOW WHATS GOING ON UP THERE! GET PAUL OUT OF THIS FUCKING HOUSE BEFORE I PUT HIS FACE THROUGH THE WINDOW' So I had to shut the living room door so my dad didnt pounce on Paul and I had to get paul out the house and I went out too and my dads all like 'you gotta be home at 11 not a fucking second later' so me and paul go up to brads...hit a couple of bongs...play on halo 2 for a bit....i go home...im 10 minuites late...my dad freaks..i get a smack in the stomach but I find it funny all the same when he tells me hes told my mum and my mum wants to have the sex talk with me!!! WHAT THE FUCK#?!!! MY MOTHER WANTS TO HAVE THE SEX TALK WITH ME! SHES BEEN WATCHING MY FATHER FUCKING ME SINCE I WAS TOO YOUNG TO REMEMBER AND SHE WANTS TO TALK TO ME ABOUT CONTRACEPTION AND SEX!?? what a geek. Im perfectly mature and old enough to know that if you use a condom you wont catch std's and you might not get pregnant [although I dont use them --BOYCOTT!] Anyway...Im off now. Ive rambled too much and my head hurts. Time for a doobie I think.

Got the other side of my lip pierced yesterday. It hurt. But I like it I guess. I need to put a ring in it like the other one as soon as its healed so I have my fangs. I like fangs theyre good.

Yeah I forgot to tell you I shaved my head....Just the underneath like.

Man never visited the moon. You shouldn’t believe everything the government tells you. America was in the space race against Russia. Russia clearly won and I’m glad of that. The American flag was waving on the moon. There’s no wind on the moon. Also the photos of mars are exactly the same…every crater and everything…they just stuck red lenses over the camera. American plans on sending man up to the moon in 10 years, why do they need to go again if they’ve already been once? Exactly. The government are spending 10 billion £’s on launching man to the moon. It costs just £10 a week to feed an entire family in Africa. You see my point? The government are bollocks...they spend all their money on shit like sending some men to a piece of rock in our solar system that they don’t need to go to…there’s nothing there…there’s no resources…but its only £10 a week to feed an entire family in Africa. You think about that. We could be an entire solar system in the end of a Childs finger and they could crush us like an ant at any moment. On another planet somewhere…a planet undiscovered there could be a person wearing different clothes [or none at all] and they may have better technology or we could be more advanced and they could be having this exact conversation with a friend right now. Humans think they’re fucking superior. I think that just because we can fucking communicate with each other through words doesn’t mean we are better than animals…we aren’t even fully evolved and shit yet. The only animal that has reached its full evolution is a horse. The human race is just a fucking virus on this earth and I can’t fucking wait for world war three. I can’t wait for that or some bigger virus to come and wipe out the entire human race. Its like finding a cure for cancer isn’t it…something that’s bigger and better than us is probably looking for a cure to get rid of us. Yeah fucking finding a cure for cancer. The fucking government spending £10 billion on launching man into space when they cant even find a cure for the common cold or cancer. Bush and his associates need a kick in the face and a good seeing to…they need to get their fucking priorities right. Give a large bag of hemp seeds to a family in a third world country so they can grow their own pot and sell it would have them sorted for good…start of a new business. A new life. Tabula rasa. Clean slate. I hate this world. I haven’t smoked pot in 3 days. Im sick of scraping the resin from my bong and smoking that or licking crystals from my grinder. I should be picking up tonight but if I don’t I think I will go insane. I feel ill.

I AM NO FEEBLE CHRIST / NOT ME / HE HANGS IN GLIB DELIGHT UPON HIS CROSS / ABOVE MY BODY / LOWLY ME / CHRIST FORGIVE / FORGIVE? / HOLY HE / HE HOLY / HE HOLY / SHIT HE FORGIVES / FORGIVE? / FORGIVE? / I? / I? / ME? / I? / I VOMIT FOR YOU JESU/ CHRISTEY CHRISTUS / PUKE UPON YOUR PAPAL THRONE / WRAPPED YOU ARE IN THE BLOODY SHROUD OF CHURLISH SUICIDE / WRAPPED I AM IN THE MUDDY CLOUD OF HELLISH GENOCIDE / PETULANT CHILD / I HAVE SUFFERED FOR YOU WHERE YOU HAVE NEVER KNOWN ME / I TOO MUST DIE / WILL YOU BE SHADOWED IN THE ARROGANCE OF MY DEATH? / YOU’RE VALLEY TRUTH / WHAT LIGHTS PASSS THOSE PIOUS HEIGHTS? / WHAT PASSING BELLS FOR THESE IN THEIR TRUCKS? / FOR YOU LORD / YOU ARE THE FLAG-BEARER OF THESE NATIONS / ONE AGAINST THE OTHER THAT DIE IN THE MUD / NO PIETY / NO DEITY / IS THAT YOUR FORGIVENESS? / SAINT MARTYR / GOAT / BILLY / FORGIVE? / SHIT HE FORGIVES / HE HANGS UPON HIS CROSS IN SELF-RIGHTEOUS JUDGEMENT / HANGS IN CRUCIFIED DELIGHT, NAILED TO THE EXTENT OF HIS VISION / HIS CROSS / HIS MANHOOD / HIS VIOLENCE / GUILT / SIN / HE WOULD NAIL MY BODY TO HIS CROSS / AS IF I MIGHT HAVE WAITED UPON HIM IN THE GARDEN / AS IF I MIGHT HAVE PERFUMED HIS BODY / WASHED THOSE BLOODY FEEET / THIS WOMAN THAT HE SEEKS / SUICIDE VISIONARY / DEATH-REVELLER / RAKE / RAPIST / GRAVEDIGGER / EARTHMOVER / LIFEFUCKER / JESU / YOU SCOOPED THE PITS OF AUSCHWITZ / THE SOIL OF TREBLINKA IS RICH IN YOUR GUILT / THE SORROW OF YOUR TRADITION / YOUR STUPID HUMILITY IS THE CROWN OF THORNS WE ALL MUST WEAR / FOR YOU / HA / MASTER / MASTEWR OF GORE / ENIGMA / STIGMA / STIGMATA / ERRATA / ERASER / THE CROSS IS THE MAST OF OUR OPPRESSION / YOU FLY THERE, VAIN FLAG / YOU CARRY IT / WEAR IT ON YOUR BACK, LORD / YOUR BACK / ENOLA IS YOUR GAIETY / suffer little children / to come unto me / suffer in that horror / hirohorror / horrohiro / hiroshimmer / shimmerhiro / Hiroshima / Hiroshima / THE BODIES ARE YOUR DELIGHT / THE INCANDESCENT FLAME IS THE SPIRIT OF IT / THEY CAME TO YOU JESU / TO YOU / THE NAILS ARE THE ONLY TRINITY / HOLD THEM IN YOUR CORPSEY GRACELESSNESS / THE IMAGE THAT I HAVE HAD TO SUFFER / THESE NAILS AT MY TEMPLE / THE CROSS IS THE VIRGIN BODY OF WOMANHOOD THAT YOU DEFILE / IN YOUR GUILT YOU TURN YOUR BACK / NAILED TO THAT BODY / LAMEARSE JESUS CALLS ME SISTER / THERE ARE NO WORDS FOR MY CONTEMPT / EVERY WOMAN IS A CROSS IN THIS FILTHY THEOLOGY / HE TURNS HIS BACK ON ME IN HIS FEAR / HIS VAIN DELIGHT IS THE PAIN I BEAR / ALONE HE HANGS / HIS CHOICE / HIS CHOICE / ALONE / ALONE / HIS VOICE / HIS VOICE / HE SHARES NOTHING, THIS CHRIST / STERILE / IMPOTENT / FUCKLOVE PROPHET OF DEATH / HE IS THE ULTIMATE PORNOGRAPHY / HE / HE / HEAR US JESUS / YOU SIGH ALONE IN YOUR COCKFEAR / YOU LIE ALONE IN YOUR CUNTFEAR / YOU CRY ALONE IN YOUR WOMANFEAR / YOU DIE ALONE IN YOUR MANFEAR / ALONE JESU, ALONE / IN YOUR COCKFEAR / CUNTFEAR / WOMANFEAR / MANFEAR / ALONE IN YOUR FEAR / ALONE IN YOUR FEAR / YOUR FEAR / YOUR FEAR / WARFARE / WARFARE / JESUS DIED FOR HIS OWN SINS, NOT MINE.

Why is it that I always fall for the violent ones?