figured out why i've been sleeping so much. my life feels so much better when i'm dreaming. i know it's the depression trying to slip back in again and that's why the focus on sleep. i think i must've slept 16 hrs a day when i burned out, played video games the rest, which made me feel worthless, so i went back to sleep to feel better. sheesh, getting depressed just thinking about it. the mind is a dangerous thing if you don't know how to use it correctly. right, sleeping and dreaming... woke up this morning remembering how much debt i have. it's hard to even think about. student loans alone are like, 14k. the credit card's up to 1000 i think, i'm sure they'll find a new charge to tack on to make it worse. 200 of which is technically due already. then there's the 300 i can't even think about. that was due the 15th. actually, half of that was due the *last* 15th. i'm not sure i want people i know to read this, now that i think about it. a blind confessional has always been so much easier for me. guess that's why it's never bothered me all that much to read ultra-personal poetry in front of people i really don't know. i think knowing that the poetry's borderline crap embarrasses me more than writing about open emotional wounds. gee, you think there's a reason i feel like i make people feel uncomfortable. why is it that we can bleed our hearts out for the world to see but can't bring ourselves to tell the ones who truly care about us? i think j* once said that she felt like i was telling her less the longer i went out with her. if she didn't then i'm projecting (shock =_=). i guess it's because i feel like people that care about me expect certain things. you're expected to be responsible and frugal and intelligent with your money and body and put on that pleasant happy face. i hide it becuase i know i'm none of those things if i want to be pleasant. this is where god comes in. the comfort and reassurance i receive... cheeze, that even sounds like preaching to *me. "give a man an open forum..." and he'll ram his opinions down your throat. ya think i'm mopey? all sound a fury, signifying nothing. now i know why i wantta dress in all black and hide my face behind my hair. i'd have to have hair for that, of course. goody. balding at mid-twenties, that's hot. so i'm the fat bald guy with the weird socks and complete lack of fashion sense. just makes me want to piss off everyone i come i contact with, it's so much easier to fight. when did i become an angry person?