this is an email i sent a friend, more came out of me than i expected, so i'm pasting here b/c it fits. as follows: hiyas^_^ no problems with the wait, i figure it's end of semester for you guys as well and any and all exciting projects/homework/papers other cleverly devised school tortures are scrambling to get finished. i'm done with this semester, and omg... worst. semester. ever T_T i *really* dont want to talk about it, but let's just hope your grades are much, much better *sob, sniff, blows nose really loudly into a kleenex* NEXT!! *ahem* are you going to the party thing tonight? i hope so, the more people i talk to, the more i think the only ones that will be there that i actually like will be managers, and that's so...i dunno. heh, that santa we have tuesday? that's going to be me, lol. joe asked me a while back to be santa on tuesday. okay, i'm cool with that, but he's never said *anythign* about being santa at the party. i had to mention it off hand, this morning, "gee, i hope you dont think i'm santa tonight, too" and he's like "of course you, who else?". okay, look, not once, ever, has he mentioned or even hinted at me being santa at the party. i want to go to the party, not play santa all night. i dont mind being the nice guy, i *like* being the nice guy, i like that people apparently feel that i'm reliable and nice enough to depend on for stuff like that, i do, however, resent that because i'm a nice guy, people assume i'm giong to do whatever they tell me to. once, yes, yes i did and would have, but i've learned i can't do that. i'm sure i'm probably dance around some emotional scarring somewhere and this probably sounds incredibly bitter, but i learned if i wanted to do what *I wanted to do, then i'd have to say no. i said no, i want to go to the party, and that he'd never once said anything about this at all up till now. this is so much like my dad, he gets excited with the thought of 'what he's going to do for everybody', makes all these plans, gets stuff organized, adn doesn't tell anyone else, assuming that somehow because it's special and for us, we'll sense our place in things and fall into line behind him, becuase he's leading, after all, and after all, that's the point. it's for us, but only when it's for him. sorry, i'm dumping and i didn't think any of this was lurking beneath the surface of "i dont want to be santa tonight, tomorrow is fine". lol. sometimes it feels like everytime i open my mouth, and issue falls out. if for some strange reason you want to hear more whining, go here: http://sitdiary.net/brainscratch but i will warn you now: this is not the nice me, this is where i go to dump the things i dont want to think about, the place a pull out the thoughts i dont want floating around inside my head. that and i'm not sure how much language i use, so pg-13 warning, i think. i've become such a potty mouth :( well, we started this thought, so we'll finish. all of the above ultimately brings me back to the real point i think, i feel like such a disappointment. i disappoint joe b/c i'm not the bright shiny willing-to-do anything that he thought i was, i disappoint my parents b/c i'm struggling in school and have no true excuse or reason past "i'm not motivated" i disappont myself b/c i know i'm not a disappointment, i know i'm capable, but i dont feel like i've ever proven it to myself, or that i've ever, *ever* truly shined like i can. i dont feel i've *ever shown my true colors, like i've only flown with one wing this whole time, and ya it's nice if you dont expect much, but it's nothing like what i see i can really do. i'm built to surprise. i'd soar if i could just stop falling. well if that's not melodrama i dont know what is. i'm gonna stop here, i think i'm finished for now, hope i havne't scared you off, this is exponentially more intense than i intended for a first email. hope life is nice and dull and consistent and happy over there. anyway, tata for now (ttfn!) on a complete side note, i'm looking into seeing if i can get tested and certified my Mensa (www.mensa.org) i just think it'd be cool and be a confidence booster. i feel that i know i can qualify.