stephani should've never gone solo. i can have my harmless little crushes here. i can do my pathetic quietly falling in love (or at least fascination) here. it's sad becuase i'm not quite sure at this moment why that's such a big thing to me. becuase i feel so threatened and vulnerable in reality, that's why. because when i come down to it, once again, i'm afraid of failure, afraid of the loss of that opportunity. someone once told me a lot of my writing, almost all, was about loss, in various forms. you know, one of the ways this site is great for me, is that looking around, you realize something: everyone feels alone. everyone is terrified of being alone. everyone is alone at the end of the day, regardless who's sleeping next to you. i've had a theory for a long time, that the old quote is wrong. Each of us *is an island. ultimately, when it all comes down, take away what you think are connections and what appears as closeness, we're all alone, each of us. i don't really see it as pessimistic as i think it sounds now in text. we're each an island, and things like love and sex and drugs and long established relationships with deep conversations create the illusion that we aren't alone; our islands drift close enough to one another for us to be able to communicate with and aknowledge another, but it's still me on mine, and you on yours. i'm a strange guy. to the point that i no longer bad an eye when a beautiful woman yet again tells me so point-blank. of course, she's telling me more than that but i'm "used" to rejection as well, doesn't mean i'm not terrified of it. last night i dreamt i was taking splinters out of my fingers. i have no idea why. i know my hands and fingers are of highest value to me. that sounds so strange, but one of my biology classes along the way did a whole listing the senses thing, and which could you live without. smell. which could you not live without? why? touch, becuase i experience so much of the world thru touch. more accurately, i explore what i love thru touch. if it's intimate to me, brings me joy, i carry it around in my pocket, or can't keep my hands off her. wow. i really wander all over the place, don't i? closing random thought. the single most reassuring thing about my parent's relationship was when i found the box of condoms in their bathroom medicine cabinet. see, everyone else is just gonna find that gross. forget you.