strange how people turn upside down on you. I mean, you think you’ve got someone figured out, and then they change. I guess I’ve got the whole intuitive-side thing, but I can… feel people. Like they’re sending vibes or something, I go off of that feeling most of the time when dealing with people, particularly people I don’t know. I don’t think I rely on that as much/at all with people I think I know better. So then the changes really surprise me because I either don’t hear the vibes or I’m used to not listening for them with them or I’m immune to them by then, I dunno. That sounds really x-files, doesn’t it. Add it to my list of weird explanations and obscure conspiracy theories. If I ever get bored out of my mind, I’ll post my explanation for standardized testing. Got one word for ya: 1984, if you get that reference, then I’ve already said it all. So anne at work, the tall blonde, is apparently a tramp. Which is really a tragedy, she’s such a sweet person. So many people are so desperate to be accepted and liked that they’ll sacrifice the sanctity of themselves, of being themself, to be ‘another one.’ I have a haughty outlook and appropriately low opinion of the populars. Do they know who they are? are they aware of the loss of self? Does it bother them? Can you feel it slipping away like I can? I can feel every chunk of me pull away when I crack again and lose another piece of me. I resent the rest of humanity that you have to suffer to exist. It’s like we can’t exist without tearing others to pieces. I know I’m bad about that, but I’m also aware when I’m doing it out of spite as well. It is so difficult not to hurt those that have hurt you. I’ve found myself using this example, and it may well be *the example until I live again as a twoness (two – one – ness, twONEss, a couple) j* and I had known each other for at least three years when we broke up. We’d been best friends for just about as long. Because of the circumstances of our breakup, I couldn’t help it. I hated her. The thin line between love and hate thing? ya, don’t brush it over, is totally serious, like that line from Dangerous Liaisons (French is so frickin weird, have a few vowels you aren’t gonna use! They use their vowels like they use butter in their cooking) “you could only hurt her so deeply because you loved her” let me explain something here briefly. I’m *weird* when it comes to relationships, and I don’t think anyone I’ve dated has really truly caught me when it mattered. When I say the whole ‘love you forever’ bit, I’m dead straight. I will *always* feel something for that person. I’m just honest with myself enough that I realize that, I don’t think I’m alone, I just think most people get their kicks in denial or something, I dunno. Anyways, love changes, it has a pallet of colors it draws from dipping into an inexplicable cold fury thru the hottest passions of the heart and flesh. Er, tangent, right. Anyway, long and short is I’ve felt everything I can imagine possible for this girl, and I’m tenacious about letting someone go. I feel that if you’ve known someone that well, that deeply, you’re only cheating both of yourselves to let that friendship go, because that’s what should be at the heart of it if it’s healthy in the firstplace. I find however, that I’m the only one that can handle this. Uh. Wow, were did I start… oh ya, hated j* and I wanted to hurt her emotionally the way she’d hurt me. Then I learned that I didn’t have to do anything. I found that she was already an open wound. I could practically catch her heartblood in my hands when we talked on the phone, and I couldn’t cut deeper than she’d already torn herself. Don’t mistake me. I still love j* deeply, in ways now that I begin to suspect she will never be able to comprehend until she’s settled herself into herself. Until she stops running to others or using work to patch the little holes in the cracks in her dam. J* believes that staying busy is the same as staying healthy. This sounds like a harsh criticism, it’s really not. We function totally different, and we avoid our problems in totally different ways. I’m just showing one side, not talking about my escapism and subconscious denials, not sure I could if I wanted to. oh and since someone inevitably is offended by the "judgemental" term 'tramp', i have this diamond in the rough for you: forget you. your refusal to open your eyes to the way you're destroying yourself doesn't affect my lack of tack. you're still running thru razorwire thinking it's a good time. fine. bleed to death. don't ever ask me to tell you it's okay and accept it. that's a choice you've made.