Sometimes, I see her. Sitting, or standing by me, doing something that would go much better if there was another person there helping her. And I sometimes I make a move to help her. To be in her presence, to have that Mother and Daughter bonding experience. One that I know should be there. But I pause, and make a slight detour to somewhere else. Anywhere else and I fight the urge to cry. Another pathetic day it has turned out to be for me. One where I wake up numb and try so hard to feel something, anything. But I don't and the day wears on as my moods wears thin, as I am dressed wearing close to nothing, again. There are some days when I wake and I feel like I have been reborn. Like some God out there actually loves me and wants me to have a good day. Some days I just feel like shit, through and through, and I get the full 24 hours of it, at least. It usually starts at night with the inability to sleep and continues through a restless slumber to the morning where I wake feeling like I haven't slept. It only worsens in class where my incompetence shines. Like a blinking banner saying “You Suck At Everything You Do! Stop Trying! You’re Too Stupid To Understand!” And then I go to rehearsal and everything seems even worse. Its like I'm trapped inside this place where I scream and shout simple things, requests, some demands but its in the job description, and no one ever listens, like I do it for fun. But I know I do it all for nothing. No one listens to me anywhere and I should just come to terms with it shouldn't I? I suppose I will. Today was one of those days, minus the rehearsal part, thank god. Though it was a little different, I was fine in the morning. But it all went downhill, and I don't know when or how. I never realized I was in an off mood until I sat down and thought when some one asked “how are you?”. My mask I wear is being put on too easily. I can put it on without even noticing. And as I sat and wondered how I was, I realized that I am not truly depressed. I love to believe I am. It makes for a beautiful excuse to not have to love someone or to touch someone. But to find out that I wear a mask of Ice to hide the Fire is what startles me. In the inside I burn with anger, fury, and something else I'm not sure of, and on the outside I am cold. Like the first frost. Throws you off guard because you never can expect it and when you see it you know that if you wait patiently, the frost will melt. But I don't know if I can melt? Its like the Ice on the out side is smothering the Fire.