Broken indeed. I don’t know how to start this so I might as well just jump in. A lot has happened since I’ve last been on. Got caught shoplifting. Temporarily lost my job. Lost my friends. Formed a crush on someone. Let’s start with item one; got caught shoplifting. Well, there isn’t much to say, only that I don’t feel wrong. I don’t feel bad, no remorse. Nothing. Does that mean that something is wrong with me, the other who was caught with me couldn’t stand to look at her mum in the eye. And me? I spoke to mine about all of her stupid crafts and shit she does in her ample spare time. She said, Mother that is, that I could have gotten her into a lot of trouble doing that. She could have been sued and/ or had to pay a fine. Yadda yadda yadda. Its all about her, its always about her. For once couldn’t she have sat there and said “Why did you do this? Do I not spend enough time with you? Do I not know my own daughter enough to not trust her in a mall? What can I do to make this better for you?” Maybe it is all just a cry for help. So, Mother, why aren’t you helping me? Or do you still not see? Item two; temporarily lost my job. It was a t a dance studio. I was the secretary, but now the classes are done and I have nothing to do anymore, no play, no work. I don’t have another job and I am going insane in the silence that clouds my head when I have nothing to think of but what my imagination brings me. Which isn't always bad. I mean, sometimes the imagination I a wonderful thing, but when I can make up something so much better than my scarce dreams, why should I sleep? Why sleep when living is a dream and why dream when I can walk through my mind and not be terrified of what is really out there? I need to find something else to occupy my mind. Item three; loss of friends. Well, it is simple as well, not much to say. They have no reason to stay around and so they don’t. For what could I possibly offer them, which they cannot get from someone more suitable? What do I have but anime? Nothing, nothing I say and that is all I get in return. I have no true friends. They are all people who know of me, but not truly know me, and recede back into their own life once I am no longer needed. How I loathe to admit these things. How I loathe admitting that I miss my elementary school friends. I miss the simplicity of having a best friend who looked, sounded and was like you in so many ways it was hard to tell us apart. I hate to admit that I want to be back with them, in the beautiful, full social lives. Where they have a boyfriend every three months like a normal teenage girl. The only thing that I hate more, is that I know that I can never go back to be a Barbie, I am forever stuck as an outcast. Item four; the sudden formation of a crush. What can I say? Your ice queen is slipping. Usually when I form a crush it take me no longer than a week to find everything possibly wrong with them. But not this time. It was weird I just went to bed one day and I thought of many people, and he was one of the many I did think of, and when I woke that morning I knew, I just knew, that even though I don’t remember my dreams, he filled them. And now, I talk to him every chance I get. Our friends tease me and he has no idea. No bloody idea at all. And I hate it. I hate this stupid crush. I hate how it takes of useless mind power and space. I can be doing other things than of thinking of him. I hate sitting in Limbo, wondering if he likes me too. But it doesn’t matter. I know right now we cannot be, I just have to find something wrong with him, and then I can move on. But why is it so hard to find that one thing that can make me turn away forever? Why has it all of a sudden become so unnatural to be cruel to someone for the benefit of me? Why do I have to be the saddest, when in lust? Shouldn’t I be happy? Can’t I be happy, and think of rainbows and fairies and other such holy things? And where have all the unicorns gone? When it is now that I need one most. Is it true that the Red Bull has indeed chased them down the paths long walked and into the sea? Or was it man who stole her, and her horn, putting her on for show, giving her a fake horn so man can see what a beauty she is. But, alas, I do not want something innocent and pure, no matter how much I may need it. what I want is something to take my innocence away. For I have already paid the price in blood, I now want my prize. Fuck the unicorns, fuck the illusions, give my something that wont fade away, that wont go away, I want it to erase the pain and keep me coming back for more and take my feet from planting to the floor. Give me something real, something eternal.