It’s so late. And I do not mean only the time. It’s been ages since I have been on here. Ages since the beginning of the play. I have many things I want to talk about. 1) Home 2) Work 3) Europe trip 4) Boys 5) School / New friends 6) The play 7) Miscellaneous bitching/commenting 1) Home I guess much isn’t going on at home. I mean, I'm never really there, what with my busy schedule. But when I am here it’s not so bad. I wake almost every morning to the yellings of my step-sisters and/or step-father. It’s easy to ignore, I'm in such a daze I can’t tell whether or not I’ve put my underwear on inside out. I get very little sleep, which results in a short temper. Something I must remedy. I'm trying to pay back my mother, grandmother and Leigh- Ann so I don’t have to have much contact with the former 2. I pay them back; they can’t bother me about it, or hold it over my head. I hate that. We got a new dog. This Pomeranian/Chihuahua mix. She’s kind of cute. But I'm no fan of animals, to much mess. *Note  really, who books off works o they can go on the computer at 5 in the fucking morning? Honestly Dave, if you wanted the fucking computer why did you wait until day break? For fucks sake, I just got off work, you’ve had all night! Have some fucking consideration! 2) Work I have two jobs now. The first is at Spero’s Burgers and Fries. It’s not so bad, I used to work there before but quit because of school. The hours are horrid. Weekends, 6pm to 3:30 am and one weeknight, 6 pm to 2 am. It hurts me. My back legs and feet ache after the night. I may quit. I get no rest with this job. My second one is at Ipsos. It’s this telephone market research company. I call people and do surveys. The hours are nice, I'm at my house by midnight, latest. It’s not a very taxing jog, you have a script to read and memorized lines (within the first shift pretty much) that you say, should something go wrong outside of the script. If I had to choose I think I would quit Spero’s, I only get minimum wage whereas Ipsos is 8.25/hr. But Spero’s is more fun, and closer to home whereas Ipsos is far and boring. But then again Spero would book me everyday in summer *sigh*. 3) Europe Trip I can’t even begin to tell you how amazing it was. At first I was kind of bored, nothing really fazed me. Our school group was so boring. And then Pam and I started to hang out with the Ashern group. Ashern is a little town a couple of hours away from Winnipeg. The people there are amazing! So alive, so exciting, so full of, full of what everyone in the play is missing. That little bit of childhood innocence. They live out in the country, so they can party in a bush each night, we can’t. They can have fun every night. The small group of people Pam and I hung out with gave me something, gave me, I don’t know quite what. I would actually smile for no reason; smiling and laughing came easy to me. I was amazed. There was a bunch of drama between Leigh-Ann, Leanne and I a couple of times. I don’t really care though. I'm over it, was ages ago. The sights we saw were breathtaking, the trips we took, so relaxing. Except one time when I had to pee SO badly I made the bus stop at a rest stop so I could pee. It was cold out and they don’t have toilet seats, so it was straight porcelain fro me, and, no toilet paper. *sigh* The Mediterranean Sea was gorgeous. I loved it. So clean, so beautiful, the rocks were lovely on the bottom of my feet. I felt so young, so free, so careless. Like I had no responsibilities to tend to anywhere, ever. Pam and I would often go and hang out with certain Ashern boys; Brandyn: The Flirt. Brandyn flirted with all the girls and was constantly making Allen jealous with Pam. He was nice when he wanted to be, a jerk when he wanted to be, but he was comic relief, some one who would always make me laugh. Devin: The Shy Boy. Devin was a year younger than us. He was always so quite, wouldn’t do much or say much, but he was so cute and when tickled, his laugh was contagious. I’ve never seen anyone laugh like Devin does. Jesse: Weird Boy. Jesse was the epitome of humor. He would often just stare at you, and then turn away, just fro your reaction. Hilarious. If Jesse was in the room, you were bound to laugh. Allan: Puppy #1. I swear, Pam would walk in the room and he would get a hard on. Ok, so it wasn’t that bad, but the tension felt like it. Allen liked Pam, Pam has a boyfriend she loves and adores, Brandyn and Pam would flirt, and Allen would glare. If looks could kill I’d be attending a few funerals. Ian: Puppy #2. I don’t know what was up with Ian, but he and Allen followed Pam and I almost everywhere. I would turn around and see Ian there. Ti was like Allen was Pam’s and Ian was my puppy. Lol. Bena: Religious Boy. That kid had something like 3 bibles with him on the trip. He was so nice, so funny, so naïve. I felt so old just standing beside Bena. I know I’m missing other people. I'm just so tired, I cannot remember. I miss them all so much. Maybe I shouldn’t have befriended them. Then I wouldn’t have to sit in purgatory. The best thing was I got my nipple pierced. I have wanted it for yeas, and I finally got it done, in Italy, for 25 Euro, which is like 35-ish Canadian. 4) Boys Boys, boys, boys, boys, boys. I hate boys, yet I like them. I wish they would die, yet I wish that they would stay with me always. Maybe you didn’t know this, but there has been something between Darcy and I for quite a number of years. I denied him when he asked me out a couple years ago, then he dated Sammi. Do I have the right to tell him I know longer want him in my life? It’s hard to sit here, and feel something for someone and I don’t know what it is. I always wanted him to ask me out, then he did and all I could do is run. All I ever do is run and I hate it. I'm 17 years old and I don’t even think I’ve been in love. That saddens me. No summer fling, so dating, no relationships, so anything. Just bare empty space. I’m thinking of giving Darcy the last thing that I have that connects him to me. I’ve gotten rid of everything else, but the photo album I cannot throw away. I know he’s hooked on Sammi and I hate him more for it. She’s such a bitch to him, and it hurts to stand by and watch him. He’s so pitiful I always dreamed of Darcy and I getting married and growing old. And then I stopped dreaming. Then there are other boys who crush on me and I feel nothing but sympathy for them. Why would they delude themselves into thinking I'm something spectacular? I'm just plain old Randi. Some boys from Ashern would be interesting to date, always fun, but so far away. It is unlikely anyway. I can squash that dream right now. 5) School / New Friends School isn’t that bad. I have 4 classes so the home work can get a bit hectic at times. Ok I lied, it’s hectic all the time, I just don’t have the energy to do this anymore. I cannot wait to get out of school so I can sleep, I want to sleep for years! Maybe I’ll talk to the councilors about it… As I mentioned, I hung out with Pam a lot. We’re becoming better friends and I am glad for it. Pam is a really great and fun girl to hang around with. It came from the Europe trip, I'm so glad I went :) and now it continued over to school. Another friendship is mine and Chelsey. I'm so happy we are talking again. We would talk before yes, but not about anything important. It was always mundane boring things. Nothing of importance at all. I missed her, lots. We always had lots of fun together, just reckless abandon type of fun. Didn’t matter what the outcome was till we got it. We would spend hours together watching Disney and playing card games. That’s a friendship you keep. Not one where you have to put your make-up on and dress stylish for. But the sweatpants, yesterdays makeup, hair all frazzled, lets go get Dairy Queen kind of friendship. Yup defiantly a keeper. 6) The Play My God I want to cry some days. Just break down and cry and cry. Last you heard Candise and I were directing. Well she was kicked off due to a power trip and lack of respect to anyone. It wasn’t so bad at the beginning, stress wise. But it’s built now. A couple of weeks before show time and then, and then everything. Candise is an actor now, she plays a role she doesn’t suit, and cannot fit the mold no matter how hard she tries. Or does she try? A lot of the actors just don’t care anymore. They wont return next year, don’t show up for rehearsal and give a half assed attempt when they do. I hate it, so much, what more can I do to inspire you? I'm running out of ideas. There are a few problem people. Let me list them for you. Candise: we know this already. I just, hate her. Period. That’s all to it, she just grates on my nerves. And what’s worse is that she is favored by Matwichuk so she gets away with a lot. I hate it. Cherie: Christ what is wrong with that God Damned girl! She doesn’t know her lines, she doesn’t know her blocking, staging, entrances, exits, you name it and she probably has no clue! Her makeup committee is fucking everything up left right and center and I'm getting the blame for it, saying I’ve had conversations I, coincidentally, don’t remember. As if I would remember all other conversations when prompted but not his one. How convenient. And then Cherie runs to Matwichuk, who favors her also, saying I’m calling her some alcoholic and that she drinks too much, FUCK OFF YOU CUNT! I said don’t drink so much WHILE SICK!! Wand what happens? She drinks and becomes seriously ill, but is there a problem? O no, I am in the wrong as always. I hate it, That’s all I want to get into for now for specific people. But then there’s general things. I always had the insecurity I would royally fuck this up permanently. I was always told no I wouldn’t. And now that no one enjoys themselves I think it even more. Then, I hear through the grapevine that everyone blames me for the play going to wrong and that no one enjoys themselves. My self worth just dropped down to pocket level. People think I am the source of their frustration, anger, resentment, and problems. How can one little person achieve evoking so many emotions in so many people with a short span of time? It’s like they are a collective, a big black whole promising to consume me. I don’t care for the play anymore. I could care less if we pass or fail normally, but friends depend on the credit for school and so I must do my best for them. But how sad is it that the Director just doesn’t give a fuck anymore? Doesn’t care whether or not people know their lines or blocking. Its 2 weeks before the show and people are just now realizing they need to kick up the responsibility. Great job guys. At least I had a small group of you going good from the beginning. Ha-ha, those who can read this! 7) Miscellaneous what-have-yous On Thursday night Chelsey and I were going to go to Ashern for a party and come back EARLY next morn for school. There was some confusion with rumor/hearsay again and Pam was really mad at us for ‘skipping school’ she was more mad at Chelsey though and I don’t know why not me. But then Chelsey and I couldn’t go and we had sleepover secrets planned, so we went to West view school to plan what we would then do (racking up long distance calling charges) and drinking a beer. It was so funny, we said some stupid stuff that didn’t make sense that I wish I could remember. Things like what I said on the way to the LC “Hey look, they still have snow! Ha-ha…oh wait, its just rocks…” LMAO! We laughed so hard, I felt like such a blond. But its what I’ve missed most about Chels, the stupid shit we said and did. I think I'm going to go to bed now. But I guess a basic over view of me? I just want to cry right now. Make everything all peachy again. But I can’t. I am too strong willed. Damn me. I feel so thin, so worn, like when I sleep I shall never wake. I wish it were so. Can people slip into comas if the become to exhausted?