I don’t know why, but everything is going to the shits. Nearly every night I'm crying, and nearly every night I'm up till 2. But not tonight, nope. Tonight I still cried. A bit harder than usual, with no reason as usual. It was weird cause I woke up two hours later, at one, and I still cannot get to sleep. It’s three am. And I had a dream, I think. And I think I wasn’t alone, cause I woke up with the hollow feeling in me, not so hollow, and enough room on my bed for one more person. I had half my body hanging off of my single bed, leaving the other half. Something you would never catch me doing dead. I had another talk with Matwichuk. His wife wants to go for coffee with me. And I don’t really want to. He said that my body language changes when around her, and I know I do. But the truth is, its not because I trust her more, or because I like her more. It’s more because I see her as a weak little cancer patient that needs to be coddled and babied. I do it because she wants it, needs it in a sense. She doesn’t have any children, whether its because she cant or he cant, I'm not sure. But I hate being their surrogate child. It breaks my heart to know that I will leave and never see them again. Yes, Randi the Ice Queen, will show compassion for other peoples feelings. Just that once, lol. Not too long ago, Chelsey and I kicked Candise out of our dance group. We wanted to do a ballet/hip hop thing, and didn’t want Candise in there. I don’t know why she didn’t want her, but I don’t like her egotistical ways, and messed up version of dancing. I cant really handle much more of it. It gets into me and I want to rip her hair out. I cant help. I would really like to not be this way, cause sometimes, when her bruised ego doesn’t get in the way, she can be quite nice. But alas, I cannot help her. Work has been Hell. I seemed to fuck up a couple of times. Slacking off, doing things half-assed. People come in looking for information and I stumble over my words, not telling them the right things, though I know what I should say. But my mouth works faster than my brain. Oh well, only two weeks till recital. Then back to Speros I guess. I hope. I need a job if I'm gonna go to Europe. I think, after I graduate, I may go to London and visit friend there for a while. Just cause I don’t want to go straight to school. And cause I don’t know what I want to go into. Co-op is the worst thing for me. I have no idea what to do, and my meeting is next week. So that means I have to find a career I would like to pursue in the next week and a half. I have no idea what to do. What to go into. I'm probably going to fail that as well. Like I did math. And life. And everything else I try. People say they are here for me and that I'm not alone, and I know that they will be there for me. I can see them, there, waiting for me to say something that will enlighten them into the mind of one Randi Makayev. But I don’t trust them, and fuck up, like always. Speaking of fucking up…I broke the keyboard today. Woo hoo. Typical me behavior. I was on the computer (obviously), and Natasha wanted to go on. I as trying to tell her I was talking to a friend that I barely get to talk to and she kept on saying “Huh? Huh?” over and fucking over when all she had to do was get up off her fucking ass and say “Pardon me Randi?” when she got INTO the den. But no, she didn’t, so I turned round to tell her to fuck off in the nicest way possible, thus making the back of the chair hit the cup, the cup tipping, spilling coffee all over. Then my Mother had the decency to come and tell me how much SHE was gonna hear about this mess when Dave gets back from the Pas. As if I didn’t know how much Dave would be pissed off. I live for it half the time. Only that much closer to a heart attack. But I don’t do it on purpose. To much energy to be angry, better off with no feeling, no energy wasted. But I know how it will go. He will come back, notice this ugly, old keyboard here, and wonder what’s wrong with the new one. Then Mother will tell him I broke it (I don’t really care), and he will stick round till I get back from work. He will yell at me, call me an idiot for drinking in the den, and I will not care throw money at him, and attempt to leave. He won’t care for the money, because then he cannot use it against me. He cannot then say “Well, I had to buy a new keyboard after you wrecked the one we had.” Even though we can use this one, he has to have his computer all decked out and fancy as he can afford. Although we need a shower, and half the bathroom redone, a new kitchen floor, walls painted, carpet cleaned, better insulation, the roof fixed, and a list of other things. Oh well. I'm a horrible person living in a horrible house. I guess its only right. How many sins does it take to be sent to Hell? Cause if lying is a sin, I think I'm done in. Funny how the times when I laughed are catching up to me. When I once saw and felt, good, happy, pretty, and thing, I now feel like shit. A horrible, disgusting, fat disgrace of a human being. And I hate how Matwichuk will talk to anyone about this. That is the only reason Lisa wants to go to coffee. Cause she’s worried. I don’t need another person to worry about me. I just need a good fuck and a good book. Speaking of which, I think I’ll read now.