lately i feel like i've been shutting down. i'm very unhappy and seem to be at a stand still. nothing is moving forward. i try to reach out to people, but the ones i want to reach out to don't seem to really care, until someone else reaches down and tries to pick me up. i don't want to be a burden on anyone, but i think everyone needs to feel as though they have someone. a friend. just someone who loves me i guess. it's so easy to assume that your family will be there, and yes they are, but sometimes you just want something besides that bond. i guess someone you know who really cares about you, and not just because of the blood relation. sometimes that feels a little more real. i can honestly say that i have nobody. when it comes down to it though, i could have things a lot worse and be far worse off than i am. and although having someone would help, i know i ultimately have the only one who matters. God. God is a constant for me and i know He will NEVER leave me. i believe in the scripture and it states this plainly. He will never leave nor forsake me. i've been in a sudden state of confusion the past few days. i just feel frantic inside. panicky. i'm worried about myself because i'm usually a happy person. i am normally someone who is ready to laugh at any given time. recently though i am seeing the shades of gray in everything. nothing seems bright to me anymore. and to me, the happiest, most awesome times in life are bright. i'm at my cousins house in Charleston right now. my mom and i thought it was a good idea to just get away from the house for a little while. i think we're staying here about a week. it does feel good to be away. but in all actuality, i haven't escaped anything i wanted to get away from. it followed me here. the same things are still on my mind, still weighing on my heart. i have prayed to God and told him my petition, what i sincerely want and need. if things don't change it is truly just because this, for some reason, is in His divine will for my life. Kristen (my cousin) is talking in her sleep. it's hilarious but a bit scary at the same time. she just busts out talking really loudly. we had a good time today. we got a late start so we didn't do much. Kristen and i went out and bought some stuff for tacos and pud-snacks. then later we went out for krispy kremes. we rented 4 movies. flightplan, elizabethtown, guess who and pride and prejudice. we probably won't be able to watch all of them. anyway, we stopped by 7 eleven for some drinks and the guy working was kindof weird. he was nice but creepy too. i didn't trust him. whenever we left Kristen told me he was taking pictures haha. i actually believed her though. that's why i didn't trust him. i'm not sure what else we're going to be doing while i'm here. a little shopping is in order, so i'm going to try to convince everyone to go. and of course we'll be going out to eat. what's a mini vacation without eating out? that's all i have to say about Charleston for now. i've really been considering going away for a while. i'm thinking the missionary thing would be my best bet. i would get away and also be doing something i love and believe in. i just need time to myself. and although i would constantly be helping others and be surrounded by a million different people...it would be the most awesome thing for me, simply because i would be away from everyone and everything i know. i need to meet new people and surround myself with positive friends. i want to meet intelligent people. people who know what it is to be mature but also to be laid back and have fun. people on their way to being something they want to be. i guess right now i just need some inspiration in my life. i miss Uggs. i love him. i seriously do love him so so much. to some people he's just a pet, no big deal. but to me he's the little living thing that loves me back and depends on me and snuggles with me every night. i can cry in front of him and he's right there cuddling close to me. and for some reason, that always makes me feel better. so wherever i go, if permitted, he's going with me. and by the way, if anyone actually reads this whole thing. first off, nobody feel sorry for me, i hate that and i'm not out for sympathy at all. secondly, and most importantly, to everyone who has left comments, thank you. it's awesome to sign on and read something a total stranger has left just because they're nice enough to take time out and do it. it just means a lot to me.