have you ever felt so detatched from someone else that you don't understand whenever they attempt to patch things up? it just doesn't make sense. it's not a matter of me not wanting to accept anything someone may have or want to try to offer to me...i just can't. right now, at this very moment, i am incapable of that. it's like building a model of something and then taking a hammer and hitting it and watching it crack after all the effort and time you put into fixing it. you would never do that or have the desire to do it. i think there's a quote or a part of a song that goes... "i'm convinced that giving in is the worst thing there is...". i totally agree. i'm where i want to be right now. the place i'm at in my mind and in my heart is good for me. i don't need any distractions or interruptions. i guess i'm sounding pretty harsh or mean or selfish. insensitive. that's the word to sum it all up. but i'm not trying to be and coming off that way is and never was my intention. it's just the fact that after so much damage has been done, with no regard to how i felt before, why in the world would i allow another chance for any of that to happen again? in any way. sometimes things happen to people and they're all about proving and making sure everyone knows they're over it...they wanna make sure their pride is spotless so they assure everyone they have moved on. this isn't a case of that at all. have i been there before in the past? yeah, i have...i think we all have at some point in time...but right now i'm just nothing. i'm not about it, and i'm not NOT about it. it's just something i set aside and disregard. i would be ignorant not to. in situations like this i feel so torn. this isn't me. i'm not the person who has enemies or who is on bad terms with anyone. not saying that there is even any negativity going on, it's just that things are always ok. always. but i have learned to deal whenever things can't be ok; whenever it's totally out of my control and out of my reach. i've tried so hard to make sure things were better and good and friendly...but all of that work only went so far. whenever i wanted things to be the way they could be right now, it was prevented and blocked and i was turned down in the harshest of ways...but now the tables are turned. but i won't return the "favor" and put out a great deal of hurt and cruelty. yeah that would probably make me feel awesome for a little while...but i know myself better than that and after that feeling was over it would immediately be replaced by regret and intense remorse. so all i can offer is the gift of knowledge about this situation. knowledge that only i have about it until now... i don't hate anyone. i don't wish ANYthing bad upon anyone either. there are absolutely no negative or bad feelings whatsoever, yet no good ones either. i can't lie about this and i won't. i feel nothing. i was watching tv the other day and they were talking about the comparison between a death and losing a friend or someone very close to your heart. they say it's kindof the same. you mourn that loss. maybe i'm in the numb stage and i just don't even wanna talk about it or think about it or have anything at all to do with it. who knows? not me. the only other thing i'm going to say is that things are much better off this way. at least for now. relationships and friendships and loves and hates and all of that goes away. they are all things that change with time...but memories are forever. -holly brooke