next weekend can't get here fast enough. i'll be in ohio friday through sunday for winterfest. i'm excited to go. first of all because of what it's for which is the most obvious reason...but secondly just to get away for a weekend and have some fun. it's going to be awesome. i don't really know what it was, but something happened to me last night. it's like the reality that has been so far behind me finally caught up and hit me hard. it knocked some sense into my head about some things. now i just feel so good. i guess carefree would be the word i would use to describe it. i'm not worried at all about what has had me down for the past almost year of my life. i realized last night that no matter how much i wanted to deny it, it's just not worth it. and that i am worth much more. i've been doing a lot of thinking, and before whenever i would think of marriage i would get so sad. sad because most of my friends and the majority of the people i graduated with are married or have recently been engaged. but whenever i am honest with myself...i'm totally not ready to get married. and i don't want to be married either. i've never been alone. never not dating someone or talking to someone. i need that. i think it will be awesome for me. so i'm going to take in all the splendor of being single and enjoy the time i have to myself and all of the freedom that comes along with it. it's a weird thing. chris was the one who told me just last night that it will happen when it's supposed to and to wait on God. it's odd coming from the person who i dated for 3 years. i mean we JUST broke up...but it makes sense and if he doesn't think i listen to anything he says, he knows now that i do. it SUCKS not being with the person i thought i was going to marry and spend forever with. but why worry about it if that's just how things work out? i mean people break up and get their hearts broken everyday...and i'm no exception. this happens to everyone. but i don't want to be the person who is sad about it a year after it happens. the person who keeps getting hurt over and over again because i just won't let it be. so i'm going to back off and let things happen how they happen. if chris dates someone else or even gets close to another girl and they hang out constantly...it will hurt me, yes...and i'm not going to want to think about it...but just because i won't like it doesn't mean it won't be happening. so why should i put my life on hold and hold out for something whenever every sign i get keeps telling me that it's not going to happen and that there is no hope. so even though yes it is really sad...i feel good about it because i have finally let go of the desperate, panicky feeling. i'm not in control and that's ok. i just have to keep saying that to myself. God has me and will keep me. i know that for sure. so i know i'm going to be ok no matter what the outcome.