i've been playing hangman on here like crazy. i have zero patience though so it ends up not being so much fun. maybe one of these days i'll beat scott's score. yeah right. the past couple of days have been ok. it has been nonstop which is good for me right now. i need that. justin, jacob, breighanna and courtney left yesterday morning headed back to florida. cathy and al are leaving sometime today. i hate the circumstances that brought us together...but i am so happy we were all able to visit and see each other. it had been almost 10 years since we had all sat down and really visited. i love them and i didn't realize how much i had missed them until now. they want us to come to florida to visit and i think we're actually going to. we would have a blast. probably wouldn't wanna come back. they're coming back in a few weeks to go through June's things and finish up all the business with the funeral and all. jacob, i think, is moving back here for good sometime soon. he loves it here. he says he's going to come back and marry me. lol. and he was my first kiss. on a serious note though, i'm so very happy we got to see them, it was long overdue. lately my chest has been hurting worse than ever. i've had heart problems and i had to wear a heart monitor almost my whole sophomore year of high school, but this time it feels different. i can't really explain it or describe the pain. it worries me though and it scares me when it happens. i know i should get it checked out, and real soon, but i'm kindof afraid to. stupid, i know. i think all boys are the same. well, the dynamic. i know some are just dogs and cheat and lie whereas others are sweethearts and awesome and truly good...but when it comes to wanting to be masculine and tough and attractive, they are adament about it. i think all guys wanna feel like they are in the lead. they want girls to think something of them. i don't really know what i'm trying to say but i have been seeing more and more of it. i think they will go to great lengths to impress and prove something. and the fact is that they don't have to do that. at least for me they don't. it's unnecessary. whenever someone finds out that another person is single, it's like they just pounce on the opportunity. it's like they think you are just free for them to approach and ask out and get involved with. it irritates me, but overwhelms me even more. i feel like i'm going to have a fairly difficult time being single. yes, i'm single now. i don't really want to get into it or talk about it. but i'm not the happiest person in the world right now. things happened SO quickly and i'd rather give it some time before i really acknowledge reality. blahhh. anyway, the reason i think it might be difficult isn't because of me. i am ok with being single. actually, i know it's the best thing for me right now and the last thing i need is to go and jump into something else or even barely get something started whenever things definitely still exist from the last relationship. but i live in a very small town. most everone knows everyone else and as soon as the word gets out it's going to be relentless. i am just not looking forward to it at all. not to mention being asked out or called or approached. i'm simply not ready for that yet so i'm going to try to avoid it at all costs until i am ready. one mistake i have made in my past is not praying about the person i am with. some people may think it sounds silly, but i am convinced God hears every prayer and will help, intervene, bless, etc. i want to take every decision or choice i could possibly make, to Him and feel at peace with it before i proceed. i want to know that it's in His will. i'm ok, just feeling a bit fragile right now. breakups are hard. no matter what. i am not anticipating there being another girl or him developing feelings and a relationship with someone else. but that's the hard part. it always is. don't wanna talk about it too much though. i've been doing an excellent job at staying busy and keeping my mind off of things. so... here are a couple pictures. me, justin, jacob, jessica, bethany breighanna, courtney, bethany, me