Well today was well as a lack of termonolgy, great. I spent some time with a good friend of mine. We went and saw the island (very good movie). I spent most of the time in thought. It seems like i cant avoid that little part of my mind that seems to never stop tinkering away... its like having a constant analytical voice chimming in every once and a while. I wish sometimes it would stop.. honestly i hate logic... it just annouys the hell out of me now... why have it? I fight it like crazy now... i can't stop the constant recycling of thoughts... no one seems to understand... what i have going on in my mind... although,i dont expect them too. I feel as if my sanity is slowly sliping out from underneath me at times... the way a rain droplet rolls so effortlessly of a plane of glass.what is real isn't, what is false turns to be something else. What i feel is for some reason seems like conditional raptures of needles on the fabric of my mind. Can anyone see what they cant understand!... i dont understand ... i dont think i can.. perhaps i wasn't ment to.. i feel that though such pains i think i have achieved something else... As i feel the effects of fatigue and sleepless nights... i can come to some grips which i shall not release. I have a gift i believe... i'm no boasting individual by anymeans.. i except what is in front and tangable... or by most parts to me intangable... I see things that i think no one else does, or feels. I was at work the other night... i was cleaning some trays.. it was almost closing time, and i was tired and sleepy... trying to quickly finish up and go home... There was a family of people sitting in the right dinning room. I watched them as they all sat around a unique individaul. He was a young man not much older than i. I could tell he was a handicaped, his physical features and speach showed signs of imparity. I watched as they celebrated his birthday... as he read every card, and each member of his family hugged and wished him some of the most beautiful things i have ever heard. I watched as he cried, and he spoke simple words of grataitude and i knew he ment it, and with such ever a tear... hearts of the greatest could never touch such heights as that moment. There was no lavish gifts or bombard ments of irrelevant comments. Just simple unconditional love... in the simplest sayings and a transference of mutal feelings. i was truly struck with calm aw... that seemed to fill me with indescribable joy, and i knew that that is what i want out of life... family... nothing matters more to me... I broke down that night.. i couldn't hold back anymore i just wept, shaking... and over loading of sense, i couldn't contain anything anymore... like container of emotions... i fill up and just break under the weight of what i carry ... using logic to over ride my emotions and restrain the urge to break. As a bone... i break...once the fracture is delt, so i heal much stronger than before... taking even more force to break me again... and this i understand... But logic destroys creativity, idividualism..in all of its complexities... i truly realize this... i saw something in the eyes of someone tonight. I saw a total innocence and unhindered creativity, a well if i could possible describe it in words... it struck me so off gaurd. Because i just never thought i could witness something like that... I try to look at a person with complete unbias, and i have succeed for the most part. I never thought i would have unearthed such a thing in a person, although i am not completely sure of what i see anymore... But i know what i saw tonight,it was the truth, and that too fills me with a incomprehensive joy. I haven't been to sure on many things but this i know. I am filled with apprehention, weight,uplifting happiness, worries, a little doubt and half logical muttering... but this time i'm not going to break.. i know that ... i am up lifted from that, at least this one... this one time.. i wont need to break... i dont need to heal from this ...perhaps...somethings have changed... i dont know. I have no regrets..doubts... or worries... i cant regret. I beyond that now, and i thank that person for giving me this... it means so much... she is so much more...