so sitting here tonight i think ive seen a new blue. the blue where you want to do everything you can in life but always faile to accomplish. this blue is actually more like a gray feeling inside rather than blue. bc to me im never blue im either a hase of gray or a jet black or maybe crimson red on the days that i wish i never existed. the thing that i hate even more ishtat i was not like this but a minute ago and now i just feel like ill never know.. never know my true feelings or if i ever truely feel at all. the gray is turning to balck and turning over oh so very fast. and this black that i speake of its a feeling in my stomach that i cant quite explain. the feeling of empty ness and shame. shame for all those i have hurt and left hurt me. shame is like a color to me a deep black or red. this black feels like its moking me and thowing my misfortion in my face. never knowing that this black is what get me threw the day. makin gme be a better me running form the me nine months ago that would much rather take a razor to her wrist than let her emotions show. and that feeling now thats crimson red. when you wnat to return to bad habits bc it feels like they are stabing you in the back. tempting you with every little bit of sadness that you feel. trying to fight off this red the red that will haughnt you till you die bc red is that color of my addiction i use to hold inside. hearing that boys voice every time i tare my room apart looking for my peice. i use to think it was a peice of happiness but now its just an blade that makes me want something and hate it so bad at the same time. but that boys voice repeating in my head telling me that i am better than what i use to think we this beautiful red. crimson red is hard to denay and maybe one day i will slip up and let it over come me but who knows. all i know is that right now it is staring me in the face. tonight i will try to fight the razor blade race. oh christ who knew a person could be controlled by a simple eice of medal. or even a emotion that to her shows color. to night went from no color to gray to jet black to crimson red with in minutes. id hate to see what it could do in days.