Tonight is my first time in a very very long time writing anything in here, even signing in and seeing this page and that is a great disappointment to me bc i have always found this to be some what self medicating but i havent let me self into my head in quite some time. im almost 22 and i can be sure that i havent been on here since i was 19. Its so weird how my life has changed so drastically. So manything have happened that i would have never dreamed of... great amazing things but still never anything of any of my dreams. I am a completely different person than i once was and that scares me completely. I miss that girl that use to just rock out and go swinging on swings at 2 am with out a care in the world. Now my world is all so many worries and staying home alone at nights. You see i met this silly boy back when i was 19 around the time of the tat. i never really thought it would go anywhere but to my suprise i was dead wrong, which is very very weird for me seeing how i was always the girl that feel for the heart breakers that could never be seised. This was also very not like me seeing how this guy live an hour and a half away in this tiny little town... we had our falling out that left me devistated and i couldnt bare it, kept from eating or sleeping for a week and spent 200 dollars driving around to get my mind off of the pain of my broken heart. But he soon realized he had "made the biggest mistake in his life." So from there i tryed to let him in to my mind for a bit of how i was feeling after that, so untrusting and an able to let him have my whole heart in fear of him breaking it again. I guess sub consiously i decided it was my turn for the making of mistakes so i met this guy at a small get together and he actually was someone that would listen and talk to and i mistakenly fell asleep next to him. Of course in my stupidity my boyfriend had found out by a text in my phone he was already having a bad feeling about it. So to our dismay we had a huge fight and very much unlike him he let me stay, as the other half of "us" See this was very unlike him bc he had a girlfriend who time and time again cheated on him and he was this as cheating, i know i thought i was not at the time but then when he put it to me his way, i wouldnt like it if it was the other way around. So we made our way threw that and still struggle every day with our insecurities and our trust issues bc we both have them but for differnt reasons. I know what your all thinking this doesnt seem healthy, but really looking at us from the out side wouldnt seem healthy... we bicker every day, hell every hour but we have since the day we met we love to challange eachother and we wouldnt have it any other way. So months have gone one and we decided that we want to start planning for a life together, talk about me going to school which soon fell threw but his plans and dreams never did. He has always wanted to be a United States Marine. He had talked to a recruiter and soon after signed. I remember sitting in his bed room late at night that night and talking about what would happen to us, we were both so young me only 19 he only 17, He looks me in the eye with a huge goofy grin, and said So i guess were getting married!? HAHA we laughted pretty hard and then he asked I mean you want to right??, that was the proposal... most girls would flip but this was fine from me, i couldnt see him on one need in some fancy restrant, tis not our style. i said yes and that was it. The day he went to boot camp will forever be burned in my memory, hugging everyone and then leaving me for last, kissing me and then kissing my forehead turns and gets in the car to be unseen for 3 months. I was so srong until he turned his back to get in the car, then i balled my eyes out thinking that this was far to much for me to handle. How can one person be exspected to spend so much time away from the one person they would give their life for. Every day o fhis boot camp i sent him a 3 page letter and hopefully waited for my letters to come. Everynight i fell asleep with his t- shirt and the marine necklace, he gave me before he left, giving it a kiss each night, it was the closest thing i had and it truely make me feel like ti was a peice of him. His boot camp was coming to an end and i finally got to fly out and see the boy i've missed so badly, I ran and jumped when isaw him, smiling as he exscorted me threw the depo so excited that he was actually beside me. We finally got to tak ehim home, things were very hard when he came home bc everyone have expectations of what is going to happen and all of them always fall short. no wants to be pulled in that many directions, but things got semi back to normal, at least between me and him as if time hadnt passed yet made us value every moment. (things werent going well with the family but thats a different story in its self this is ours. ) He had gotten an extra month to stay home, so we decided to sneak off and use our time to have a 3 and a half min court house wedding, i also had gotten my engagement ring that im sure i drove him nuts about. That day will remain the best day of my life. Its the day that i married the only preson i want for the rest of forever, and people can say that we are dumb and just young in love, but its much more than that. Nothing can keep me from him, well except the marines... Jan. 22 2009 i made the best descion of my life! After he had to go back for more training he had flown we out to spend just a weekend with him on a weekend pass, we did basically absolutely nothing, and it was perfect. Off to another training, me at home missing him terribly, more than he will ever know, bc words cant even describe what is missing from me when he is away. We thought our wait was over, i even planned a real wedding for us to share with our familys, however that had to be cancelled bc of instead of leave papers, he got deployment ones. So instead of us finally being able to start our lives together and be a real married couple, move on to our base in our own home, He would have to do one more month of training and then 7 to 12 months in Iraq. This broke myheart, I was so so excited that i would get my husband back for some time but now im here hopeing praying that he is ok and missing him. This worries me so so insainely bad but i cant let him know this bc i dotn want to stress him out. Dear god please bring him home safe... See i am a completely different person now but mostly for the better...