this weekend bored the admiral greatly. exams this week. i cannot wait but hopefully on friday i will get to go to kings dominion with caleb, andy, and nolan. so uh, wish me luck on my exams. and stuff. -THE ADMIRAL

poiny shoes and soccer jerseys. thats what dumb whores look like. so im not sterile, but they gave me valium. so sleepy. . . . i dream of happiness. of someone to make me happy beyond forever. someone to take my pain away and just to hold me. empty beds are a punishment for an undone crime i belive. guilty. as. charged. AAAAAAH i miss being wanted. even if i was fooling myself.

not in the physical, but in the mental. i like it here. its rainy, cool, steady and gentle. until i return home. i love to get lost as the rain covers me in a benign blanket of love. / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /thats the thing about rain. it is indifferent. it doenst care where it lands. it just does. do you think raindrops have a whole other sub-society? the ones who land on important/famous people are the best, and the ones who land on the road are the worst? i dont know. i am in love. with music. i have said it before and i will say it again. i am in love with music. see? i am a man of my word. long. walks. to. no-where. me. gusta. a. lot. especially in the rain listening to my favorite songs about falling out of _____. i miss moody. i miss the way i felt there. i miss the energy and the fun and the controversy. i long for companionship. heh. what a funny thing to dote upon. but it is true. what can i say? i am lonely. i feel like a fly and there is a pane of bullet-proof glass separating me from finding someone. thats. life. or to quote one of the greatest comedians to ever brandish a microphone, daniel tosh, "dry those tears pussy, thats why dad left."

i cant stand this -t-e-n-s-i-o-n-. i need a release. i need to raise my fist and scream, but not be heard in an anonymous collective. step into the limelight and throwdown.

i SqUiRm and twitch this skin is putrid. i am sick &tired of sleeping on -------------thisbed -------------of|N|A|I|L|S| and living this LIE that D R I P S these lamentations ScRaWlEd in bathroom stalls and overpasses. your eyes SCREAM silently, basking in the glory of my absense and do things that would make a coroner vomitose. a snickering jest of my words spill over your lips. "just/some/guy" cut me down and knaw on whats left |square boy| go ahead c . r . y your eyes out. tears do no good where you.re going

loneliness is an empty paper cup. loneliness is having a big bed with noone to share it with. loneliness is having secrets and having noone to share them with. its having noone to whisper to in the dead of night, noone to look foward to being with forever. its being surrounded by the best of company and not breathe a word. loneliness is crying yourself to sleep.

can you feel your heartbeat racing? i can. these welts spell regret as i glance at your photograph and smile. this is a beautiful, delicate tragedy. i never thought id make it through this, but now i realize the journey is the destination. i want to be happy. pretty clothes smell like jeuvinilia, but its all the same to me. i wish you luck, but dont count on me. i am pitifully unreliable. ill be fine. you were always my favorite high. _________________________________________ today was a jumble of misguided agression and pain endurance. we had band practice, sorta. we ended up havin an airsoft war. it was fun, until i was bombarded by pellets. with no weapon, i had to rely on empty threats and profanity to keep from getting further wounded. im a sucker for pain. after that my family went to a friends house for dinner and a movie. it was nice, but my sister was throwing a bf. whatever. im sick of fighting with everyone, with myself. i need a change. fast.

yesterday was painfully boring. i was sick again. it seems like i havent hung out with anyone forever. on sunday i had band practice. it was fun, and our band is pretty talented. check us out, www.myspace.com/frommyhearttoyourthroat. were coming along nicely. one of my parents' friends' son committed suicide yesterday. i met him at thanksgiving. he seemed like a nice, ordinary guy. its a horrible tragedy. _____________________________________ Without you I cannot confide in anything The hope is pale designed in light of dreams you bring Summer's gone, the day is done soon comes the night Biding time, leaving the line and out of sight It runs in me, your poison seething in my veins This skin is old and stained by late September rains A final word from me would be the first for you The rest is long but I'll go on inside and through

these are dark times. rap smothers the airways like a rag down my throat. these days, you either bury your feelings or lose all your friends. for once i wish i could just see what ppl actually thought about me. when i walk the halls i can feel the slimy gaze of a million peering eyes analyzing every aspect of my life. can people just fuck off? seriously. honestly, i really hope the sun novas and blows all life off of this pathetic, vile little planet. i can hear the clouds colliding and grown men gnashing thier teeth and begging for mercy. when i close my eyes, all i see is hell. silence is the only promise ever kept. you taught me hate, ill teach you fear.

study hall is excruciatingly boring. especially with nothing but the internet to keep me entertained. they block all the good sites. censorship is like bullying, only less bad, and on a more retrospective level. i feel so distanced from everything. i feel nothing. im becoming detatched from everything and everyone that i love, and its pretty devastating. emotions mean nothing. what is wrong with me? do i just not get it? snow blankets the ground in sheets of bright beauty, but the world is still dark to these eyes. I need to find the lantern to guide me through the twilight. lifeless

asfdlkjdsnfjkhsdnkj i can't seem to get anything right anymore. every girl i go after seems to have no interest in me. but then again, i cannot blame them. how come everyone gets to be so perfect? why can't i for once in my fucking life, get a break, eh? i never thought caring could hurt so much.

yep. that about sums it up. im sorry.

"my secret joy, in my pockets deep you will find the reasons that i can't sleep." my god am i lonely.

im trying to take it slow. but im crazy about you. every minute that i spend with you is indescribeable. when youre around, i cant stand still, i cant catch my breath. every movement is carefully thought out 10 moves ahead of time. but you, my love, make even the most concise plans crmble with just one gaze into the oceans that are your eyes. and you leave me wondering if i mean something. or maybe, im just a friend. just like a thousand times before.

my parents are alchoholics. she pays no attention to me. my parents are assholes. she pays me no mind. my parents might split up. she dismisses me like rubbish. i dont think ive ever been this lonely. i feel like i am on an island, in the middle of the ocean, on a distant planet, in another galaxy. my tolerance dangles on a string, and it gets thinner with every passing second. i dont need pity. i need support. and this time, my friends are there for me. but i still have trouble trusting people. must have been from all of those amazing, storybook relationships ive had. oh wait...

captain, weve just lost another why do i even try? poofpoofpoofPSSSHHHWWWWboom i think arienette has eluded me once more. how many times must i go through this heartache? why am i always the friend, the "nice guy?" what do i not have to offer that someone else does? curse these genes. even mother nature seems to be against me. i try to sleep this mockery of my dreams off, and the rain pelts my house like theres not tomorrow. hopeless is a good word.

last night i will never forget. i like to think of myself as one that turns lemons in to lemonade, but last night i think i turned lemons into gold. god she is breathtaking. and she treats me like a real person, not just some verbal punching bag. every embrace is magic. and every minute without her is maddening. every word i say to her seems to make her enjoy my presesnce more. its crazy, but i think this is the hope ive been searching for. for such a long time. life is so exciting. i live for this.

how do you get someone who barely knows you to start noticing you? i have toiled over this question for the past few weeks. its so hard. god life is confusing right now. ive got an aching in my soul like no other. my heart flutters at the very mention. ///happiness>>>> and along with happniness comes withdrawal. every spare moment that is not spent is fretted away on thinking about her. i cant help it. if feels so....so natural. its as though my consiousness has been cast adrift in an eternal sea, and i am finally seeing a lighthouse. but then again, it just might be the moon reflecting off the deep purple of the nighttime sea, or some far away star, on the edge of the horizon, fluttiering through its solar system, lightyears away. but for every one second spent on thinking about what could be, three are wasted thinking that this could be a nag on a foreign shore, luring me to the shallow waters so the scalliwags can gut me. oh life is so curious. i suppose the old addage is true, patience is a virtue. but not knowing what she thinks is the worse than the hottest fires and sharpest spears in hell. put out this fire inside me

i could get used to this whole happy thing. its nice.

"shields at half power captain" this has been a long journey. and the sad this is, i dont know where im going. this is a wierd time in my life. not much to look foward to, not much to fear, not much to wake up to, but not enough energy to care. but yet part of me thinks i should see where this could go. and yet part of me thinks im just another guy. a friend. again. these thoughts just keep going through my head like the flight of a butterfly, end over wobbly end. i think im overthinking everything. is there somthing wrong with me? or is it just my outlook? my head feels like a martini shaker. oy gavulta.