can you feel your heartbeat racing? i can. these welts spell regret as i glance at your photograph and smile. this is a beautiful, delicate tragedy. i never thought id make it through this, but now i realize the journey is the destination. i want to be happy. pretty clothes smell like jeuvinilia, but its all the same to me. i wish you luck, but dont count on me. i am pitifully unreliable. ill be fine. you were always my favorite high. _________________________________________ today was a jumble of misguided agression and pain endurance. we had band practice, sorta. we ended up havin an airsoft war. it was fun, until i was bombarded by pellets. with no weapon, i had to rely on empty threats and profanity to keep from getting further wounded. im a sucker for pain. after that my family went to a friends house for dinner and a movie. it was nice, but my sister was throwing a bf. whatever. im sick of fighting with everyone, with myself. i need a change. fast.