its time to write in a book,its time to say goodbye to sitdiary.where i sat and typed to be heard and to hear,but im going because...

fuck this shit,ed molested me,tahts it,sara will find out soon,and now jayson is gonna meet up with him,i dont know what he means my that,but it scares me.i dont want jay charged,and i didnt want ed to know we were charging him.i love u jay,that u would stand up to someone like that.mom wakes me up this morning saying,u never told me jayson was comming back,how did she find out,cuz jayson sent ed an email saying he knew everything.fine,the wars starts,im in the middle

so mom knows about it,and soon my father and kathy will,i want to tell them myself.This is making me stronger and at the same moment of it all changing me.Im becoming different through it all.I just wanna be me.Accepted but different.Anti-eyebrow here i come,and father please accept me.Sonny we're goin down.

so,im goin to the HIM concert in 9 days in toronto,goin thro a lot of trouble to get there,flyin to toronto from ns,and needing spending money,and freakin out cuz of it,i seriously cant wait.its so close,its like next thursday,thats sooooooo close,and whats scary is myy first nite in t.o. ill be alone...yay,maybe ill get shot,or maybe the plane will go down,lol.but if the plane goes down i want it to go down on the way home,at least i got to see HIM,lol.my only dream right now.CANT FUCKIN WAIT! !!!!!!!!

so i stretched my ear,lo,other one gettin done soon,lol,hope fully,as soon as i buy it,i love it 6 is as far as im goin im pretty sure,i want a lime green one in my other ear!!!it rocks,and it didnt even hurt,what i did was put my 12 and 14 in one hole and it stretched it out a bit before i put the 6 in.well there u go

so kanddace is being really stupid,like fuck,shes lying all the time and its pissong me off really bad,she has no fuckin idea liek i really dont wanna talk tp her anymore,shes bein really immature not acting liek soemone who is almost turning 16.yeah so yeah

so i was smart and decided i wanted to paintball,so mom says,u wanna paintball u have to feel it first,so i did,10 of them,they started off with one,and then another one,and then started rapid fire,woot,well then wen i was comming to to the house they kept shooting and got me bad,and then when i was in i had a seizure past out or something,i was fuckin pissed,as soon as i got up i screamed FUCK and pounded the wall,and i went into my room,i was so fuckin pissed,i hate epilepsy so fuckin much,i just feel like i wanna be a vegatable.like as if it wasnt bad enough before,now i cant do what i want.so i got hit on each arm,on each leg,my knee,shoulder,chest,stomach,crotch,and yeah hurt like hell,so fuck give me a fuckin gun

so everyone thinks that me and jon will go out befor eoctober is out,i doubt that highly,it wont happen,its because hes nice,thats how he is.lol.but i guess well see,i suppose.i love goin to gwood with him cuz hes so hilarious,he wore this hat last nite and it looks like a pope hat,lol.he loved it,anywyaz,so think im gonna walk to the nu house soon,and my stomache still hurts for the 3rd day in a row,grrrr.

so,moved in by mon,and where will i be next year or the next,like i could be in cali next year,i have no idea,i really feel like im just a fuckup,like everywhere i go im ruining someones day,or life.i cant feel any desire for school right now.really im fuckin super pissed that the HIM tickets are sold out and ill be in t.o.when they are,well no,im not gonna go when they are there,if she doesnt get tickets i wont go,well i might get into the club,i dunno,id friggin blow the bouncer just to get in.ill wait by there tour bus.if i can c it,lol.well i gtg walk to the nu house.

anywayz we will be movied into the nu house by next monday,and finally i will be able to shower every day,and the time in greenwood,was awosome with jon,he was soooo funny,lol,and me and kandace could not stop laughing at him,and then i called him that night and we talked for like a half an hour ,it must have been it couldnt have been any longer or shorter than that.but he was so fuckin funny.sooo,i didnt go to school today,i went to the doctor and that didnt help me much cuz he just told me to put heat on my foot,so yeah,in pain for like a month ill be,yay.i dont think i need keyboarding,or i dont know,lol.my nu HIM cd roks,my fave song is drunk on shadows,the only one i dont like is dark light,and even that one will grow on me probably.well later tater

im very pissed off at jon right now,u know its pretty funny that he thinks im like in love with him and i only like him as a friend,lol.all i wanted to do was pick up my him cd today and all that but no,he had to be an ass,or maybe it was me,but he showed me who i really like ,jayson.

i HATE MYSELF,serously,i hate it so much that i have epilepsy,fuck and the whole fuckin world has to know do u ever think i might not want it adressed to ppl.jeezes.like everyone was here and i had to have a fuckin seizurernkd oghi tohrthoth

so,im moving tomorrow,my stuff is pretty much packed,and im in tears,saying goodbye to my friends,my school,my well i guess family,a nu school again,if i never came here would i still have cut?would i have not?here i go.ill hand you the gun,u can pull the trigger.my tears will dry,as they did when i came here,i was depressed and unforgiving of my mother,and really i still only trust myself.i dont know.i cant say anything right really.well see.

so,on monday,thats when i leave,haha,me and my bro in the same classes,funny.but i want it and no one can understand im not just running away from my problems,i guess,ive always wanted this,me and ivan need some time together,because we dont have that good of a relationship.im sorry to everyone,one way or another ill fuck stuff up.no matter what.

okay,so im pissed,my hair is like so fuckin thin,i never wanted it that thin,and okay,i guess like my impression of my hair when she was done,it looked like a fuckin mullet,it like killed me to see my hair so nice to AWFUL!!!!!IM so super pissed,and the only way to male it look good is straighten it and that means killing it more,like fuck,but it will grow and i will be happy,i say by xmas,it will look oKAY,but definetly by the time i go back to school it will be liveable.FUCK

so,i dumped jayson last night,i couldnt hamdle the pressure anymore of everyone screaming at me,it felt like it was all they wanted was for me to dump him,so they got their wish,happy?

well im moving to my moms im guessing b4 school starts,ill miss the nu school,but oh well,ill get a job,ill see HIM in quebec,and all that,im so fuckin excited,im sorry sara,but i had to.goodbyes are hard.

ok,so im just gonna sit in the house forever until i move and ive decided that im moving,i cant take it here,now who used to be my family is my enimies,and they hate me andis telling me to stay away?now my bro is in the valley and ive always wanted to live with him,and cassie is movin in,my gender,my age,yes,so,yes,im moving,and they can hate me,but its there fault dor not accepting me,they have no idea what i live in,and the differnce now.so fuck them.they can think what they want.maube xmas,maybe end of grd 10,i dont know,well c.

ok,so i went school clothes shoppin today,and i bought 5 pairs of underwear at la senza,4 thongs,one boyshort,and 1 pair of plaid pants with torquoise in them,and a pair of jeans,yay,lol,tahts lots,lol.so now i have 3 nu pairs of pants.yes i do,and i love my nu underwear!!!!anywhore(mykels saying,lol)i must go,chat soooon,im goin to the bay tomorrow,to do some more shoppin,and what not,ok,toodles

well,i might move back to moms,leave my nuly painted room,what i really wanted ,but bein at moms for 2 weeks and with craig there,and ivan is movin on wednesday,and i cant really move until they r into the nu house,so im think,when it comes xmas time when i go up for my visit,its to staty,but i want to know if i can get in at ck,i love that school and mom said i can get ther some way.maybe ill take the bus.but i wana go there,if i can go to ck,ill move up there,i can gom early when mom goes to work,she can leave early,thats what i want.where all my friends are!!!i miss them so much.well well see.come xmas i bet ill be back there.me ,jazz,iv,and cassie,im sorry i feel this way.