I'm not really sure of what I want to write about right now. I got to the school last night and found that I felt extremely out of place. Before I would go there and not even think twice about why I was there. But last night I got to thinking....I don't share the same beliefs that everyone there does. I mean yea, I don't deny that there is a God out there, but I also don't believe that he wanted us to become mindless drones. I'm not a fan of authority in the first place but when I'm there I feel as though i'm a part of some sort of cult. I was also feeling slightly ill which, in turn, made me irritated. And when I get to thinking( Yes, people I can actually think. 'Tis a hard task but I manage once in a while =p) about something negative. It slightly depresses me so naturally I looked upset. And the fact that I wasn't jumping around everywhere probably confused alot of people. I swear the only reason people put up with me is because I'm "entertaining" heh whatever. I may not be the cleverest person out there, alot of the times I'm so lost as to what people are saying that I just nod and act as though I understand. But i'm growing. i'm learning new things everyday. .....Jeeze...I make myself sound like a dog. ...Im glad I wasn't born in china. I wish someone would take the time to get to know me. Not who I portray myself as, but who I am inside. That's slightly hypocritical...isn't it? ...I mean ...I always tell people to just be themselves...and yet here I am hiding myself. and yet...how can I really show who I am when I'm not even sure of that myself. I'm still finding myself. My whole life I have been trapped. I have had other peoples ideas and beliefs forced upon me until it became who I was, and what I stood for. And for that reason, The moment I start thinking for myself, forming my own opinions....Not only am I labeled a satanist (lol) but I am ...shunned almost for not conforming to what I was brought up to be. ......Am I supposed to be...a slave? Am I supposed to love what I hate and hate what I love? Am I suppose to not search for myself and simply become an emotionless robot? I'm so lost. I'm nothing like my sister. and I get told that all the time. I'm not beautiful. I'm not intelligent. I'm not worthy of what I have. I have not suffered like my family and yet I have so much more....and yet I almost wish I did suffer with them so that I could feel better about what I do have. ...yet...I may have not gone through the terrors that they have gone through..but I have had my own share of troubles. Are they worthless because they are not lethal? Or are they lethal because they are worthless? ...Im not making much sense am I? Oh well....These are just my thoughts... maybe one day they will be more educated so that people who see them will actually understand what I am trying to get across. Maybe one day I wont be so lost. But as for now I will be fighting for the right of finding myself. I will be fighting for the freedom to think without religious boundries....and just become me. ...whoever that is....