I went to see Comedy Sportz tonight, and as expected, it was freaking hilarious. Laughing that hard felt good. If money wasn't an issue, I think it would be sweet to have them at the beginning of a big family reunion or a wedding reception or something, loosen everyone up and get them laughing, you know? I went with a group from Intervarsity. Yeah, the ones I was bitching about a few entries ago. I'm just confused. I get this vibe from some of the people that they don't think much of me. Or they think they're better. Or something. I just ... don't know. Maybe it's women's intuition, or maybe it's just me being paranoid. Matt was sitting behind me. He's probably the most confusing of all ... he kept nudging me in the back with his knee, and I was wearing my hair in pigtails and he tugged on them a few times. If I didn't know any better, I'd think he was flirting with me or something. But I do know better. He broke up with me, not the other way around. It's too late. If he wanted to get back together, even if I didn't have Neil I wouldn't do it. The things he said when we broke up made it clear what he thinks of me and I deserve much, much better. Even with the people I'm not mad at, I still felt like an outsider around them. I know it's partly my own doing. Actually, it's probably all my fault. They're not bad people. I'm just not like them, and now that I've figured that out, I would rather to be who I really am than who they think I am. It's too bad that they got to know someone else as Rachel before I showed them the real one. And I haven't even showed them the real one. Not the one that my parents know, or that Neil and Brian know, or the one my St. Olaf friends know. I've been having crazy urges lately to do something rebellious, like pierce something (my right tragus) or get my hair chopped off, or buy turquoise-colored contacts, or buy a goldfish for my dorm room and name it Toby Keith. Wouldn't they all be shocked? It makes me smile just thinking about it. I wonder what they'd think of me if they knew the half of what goes on in my head. Maybe I didn't really give them all a chance, to re-evaluate their opinions based on me now. But it's too late. I've made my decision, and no matter what happens, it's done and over with, and I need to move on.