So let me get one thing straight. I only entry about guys that I feel like will have some sort of impact on my life. And as we know, Joshua didn't work out. Waste of two weeks. PART 1 So, his name is Rudy. Here's the story. Friday nights, me and Hannah and Brian have been going out. But this Friday, Hannah and her boyfriend came, and they brought a friend who was in town from Florida. That was Rudy. He actually grew up here, but lives in Florida now and visits quite frequently. Anyway, we all went to dinner and then went to Thruway ... Josh and Tori just happened to be there too, it was weird. And then we went to Fox and Hound and all played pool. Anyway, back to the me and Rudy part. Rudy is a pretty cool guy. He's really down to earth and I feel like he's individually different than most of the guys I know. Like he's not afraid to laugh or be himself just because people are around. It's like he doesn't know any other way than to be himself. He sees things differently. He hasn't gotten caught up in the society of things and is just gotten to be himself. Friday night we KIND of flirted and all. Saturday night we actually went out to dinner by ourselves downtown. And then today before he left back for home, we had coffee(: I mean, I wasn't gonna be the first to make the moves so I kind of played things by ear. Anyway, he texted me after and was saying it was cool to be able to hang out with me and meet me and that i was cool to find someone he was "interested" in. And he put quotation marks around it so I wasn't sure how to take it so I didn't say anything. But then he was like saying he didn't mean to be too forward but he did find interest in me. So I told him it was a mutual feeling and that kind of broke the ice I guess you could say. He'll be back in like 20 some days. I dunno, we'll see how it goes with him! I'm interested in him for sure. Time will tell! PART 2 Things with SIC are going much smoother. I enforced the contract and set some ground rules for everyone and stood my ground. They all huffed and puffed but their agreeing to everything so it doesn't matter anymore. My modeling is going great. Got three more shoots lined up for this year. IS 300, Ninja, and a Maserati. Super stoked about them. PART 3 Court texted me on Thanksgiving. I wanted to talk to him so bad:/ It's just like. Stuff reminds me of him. Songs, places, food. Like I hate so bad that we fell out. I really do. And I would give anything for us to be like we were but now that could never happen just because of what we've done to each other in all this in between time. I get so upset over it cause I miss him like crazy - he was my best friend. And we always said nothing would come between us and we'd be living it large forever. And now all of that is gone and neither of us have what we loved most - which was each other. It sucks. And it's like, I'll get strong about it and then he will end up texting me or some shit and then I'm like:( But what sucks is I know he's behind a lot of the dirty work done behind my back so I have NO reason to be nice to him, you know? I guess I just don't want to believe all of it happened the way it did and just be normal again, but that's never gonna happen and truth is - he really is trying to bring me down - in all ways too. PART 4 I got my nails done this weekend AND re-colored my hair(: I'm just in a great mood sort of. I had a moment and wrote some lyrics to something I put together on the piano. About Josh, of course. Ever since the break up I've been trying to find the words to say to explain all the feelings I had afterwards, and it finally actually came together pretty nicely. I'm not done with the song by any means, but it's coming together like I'd hoped it would. The music is pretty too, and really different. Can't wait to finish it and put it all together. PART 5 Secondhand Serenade is coming March 3. I am so stoked for it. I swear, he is like another Jesus to me. When I first was introduced to him back when I was 15, his lyrics helped me through so so much in my life, I LIVED off his words and music every single day. Then last year, getting to see him was almost like getting saved again. The experience to see the guy who wrote the lyrics I lived my life by and felt in my veins was beyond amazing and to have the chance to see him again ? I am just so excited. PART 6 Brian is really irking me:/ Like, he's really funny and I love hanging out with him, but like. He's got issues, like really. I can just tell he's been through a lot and his looks aren't the best I KNOW he's been hurt before because of that too. People LOVE to pick on him, and it irritates me too because he's a good friend and if people would get to know him like I know him, they would see he's more than just bad looks. He's a great person. But like, he doesn't see that. So he drinks his problems away and does really stupid stuff. And I wish I knew the right words to say and the right things to do to make him see he's worth so much more than that, but I don't know how to do either things the right way. And like, tonight he was like, "Uhm, did you hang out with that guy we met Friday?" And I told him yeah, and he was like "Oh I was just wondering. Well fuck it , gonna drink the rest of this bottle of Vox" Which is like 80% alcohol and Friday night he got tipsy on like not even a quarter of the bottle. See what I mean? He just drinks shit away. I need to figure out what to do there. ANYWAY It's time to get to bed. Weekends over, time for school again. FUCK:/ Haha, can't wait for December 19 so I can be done with this shit... NIGHT <3

So need to vent :( FIRST Today I was really looking forward to just relaxing and spending time with Josh. Until I found out there's a car event tonight and some of my friends are going and I wanna go, but now I can't cause I have to hang out with Josh. And he wants me to sit at his house while him and his band practice. I don't want to sit there and have my ears bleed because you're playing loud ass music in a tiny ass house. Wtf? Later tonight though, HOPEFULLY, we are going to hang out with a few friends, build a bonfire and drink some hot chocolate. This situation made me realize how much I dislike being tied down like this. I just wanna spend time with my friends and have fun. Not be tied down and have to watch what I'm doing to make sure I'm being a quality girlfriend. (Not that we are dating, but we're talking, so you know what I mean.) SECOND I curbed the FUCK out of my tire. Thank GOD it didn't touch my wheel. If I had bigger rims it would have fucked it all to hell. I just sat in my car and was ready to go home and go back to bed. I was afraid to look >.< THIRD SIC is stressing me out and this is all caused by Sam no doubt. I should've listened to the people who told me to watch out for her. Here's the thing (and I do not mean to sound cocky at all). This is my group, under my name. I WILL do what I want with it. Now : If I were asking difficult tasks from them, I could see them having a problem or an issue, but I'm not asking hardly anything of them, and the things I am asking are simple as can be. It's just irritating she has planted doubt in Wendy and Nick and Chris's head now they are doubting me. I AM keeping the contract and they WILL sign it if they want to be in SIC. I mean, I'm acting as a free agent for them and not expecting any of their money from them. I will not change my mind. They will sign or resign. The end. I'm not going to stress over it, and if you don't want to sign, don't expect me to work for you. FOURTH I don't even know what is my fourth problem, I'm just in an ill mood, I want to go home, but I don't want to see my mom right now, I just want to be alone to relax and think and get everything ready for tomorrow morning. FIFTH Josh is like a HAWK over my page and what gets posted and what people say and what I say. He accuses me of flirting. I just don't see me and him lasting much longer in this courting thing. He's too possessive and shit. Which sucks, cause I do kind of like him. I JUST DON'T KNOW :((((((

Josh Lambeth, new guy in my life right now at the moment. Nothing too too special just yet But I wanted to make note of him, because he's gotten a lot further in my life that anyone since Brock. DEMG is no longer, Court is no longer. SIC Ladies is what is in now, and I don't need Court, that's what I realized. I'm tired, and stressed out. I need a good time this weekend and a break from work. Sigh, sleeping in for sure <3 Goodnight

Who would've thought that ... Unless you're the type to settle for less, popularity will not bring you friends nor will it help you find a boyfriend. WAIT - It does introduce you to pretty much all of the guys you need to know, but keeping one around because he's into you for you -- totally different story. I think my problem originated a loong way back when I was with Josh. I completely cut ties with all of the people who loved me. Then, when me and Josh broke up I had to scramble to find friends. The friends I found introduced me to modeling, first thing. Which works for me. Turns out, I'm good at it and people love it. Only problem here is, the few friends I made when me and Josh broke up, are no longer my friends. Court is the only friend still around, and even that friendship is on the verge of being over. It sucks the way my life has always panned out that I NEVER made close friends. Yeah, I have a SHIT TON of friends (2000+ if you're on Facebook) but none them are those life long, true friends, you know? Let's not forget the fact having a boyfriend isn't easy. Trust me, I've met just about EVERY guy in town AND in Charlotte, Greensboro, and Raleigh. ALL of them are the exact same. They all want to tell me how hot I am, how sexy I am, how I need to come party with them, how I need to let them show me a good time. NO...How about you take me to dinner and not make me pay. How about you take me to a movie of MY choice, not some inhumane fighting shit. HOW ABOUT you don't start off the conversation telling me how sexy I am. THEN I might give you the time of day. ALL guys are so simple minded. Like what, you think you're the first guy to tell me I'm sexy? I get it every minute of the day. THANKS, but try to see past my looks for once? Finding a guy is tough enough. Keeping a guy around? Even tougher. Guys want to date the "model" but they want to change who I am. Here's my question : If you "liked" me for ME, then why are you trying to change ME? Guys want to be at every photoshoot, they want to claim me on Facebook. They want to tell me what to wear and what not to wear. They want to make me feel like what I wear is inappropriate. YOU'RE the one who fell in like with THIS me, WHY are you trying to change me. You'd think it'd be SO easy to be me. Not ?I love what I do, but it's getting complicated :/

The past few days have been so extremely shitty. Last night was FULL of tears. Here's the situation ... And I KNEW this was coming, I was just hoping it'd be later rather than only 7 months into a friendship. I've never been so close to a friend nor have I cared for a friend as much as I have for Court. Court literally makes a part of who I am today. Without him having been in my life, I would've quit a very long time ago. Being friends didn't used to be a lot of work. It just worked. People hated us for being so close, but it never swayed our friendship. I guess for him, feelings grew into more than a friendship ... Mine remained friends strict. Plenty of times, I've tried to have feelings for him only because I knew there would come a point where we could no longer be friends if we couldn't date. And here we are, only 7 months into my best friendship and it's pretty much weatered into a huge mess. And all of this is due to the situation with Rachel. Now, we have two businesses that hold us together no matter what. Yes, we could throw both of those things away, but then where would we be? We technically would be throwing away what made us get this far. I'm holding on as tight as I can to all of this. Trying to keep it together as well as I can. Although I see that I can't back down from where I am now, I've never wanted to throw it all away more than now. I know that's what people are waiting for, but at the moment, I could get rid of all of that. Its so hard right now. Going to a show in Charlotte on the 5. Yellowcard, Every Avenue, and Go Radio. I'm really excited for it! :) I've been bringing out my rock music more instead of all this hit stuff. I could listen to my rock music alllllll day. It just never gets old. And I'm kind of not in the mood to flow to a beat but more so to flow to emotions that signify my life. :/ Stuck at home tonight, not feeling great. I wish this were easier.

You know? It's just the gut wrenching feeling when you're best guy friend is falling for a girl that you just hate. And it's not every girl he's liked before; neither is it anything he has done. You just hate her for one reason or another. I just do not like this trick. I've always been the loyal type. To who ever I was closest to at that moment in my life. I've never been the one to find reason to leave, ever. I love Court to death, but he is dead set on a relationship at this point in his life, and she just happened to ditz by, and now he is stuck on HER HER HER. Fuck that bitch man, for real. He goes and tells me she is history, out of the picture, don't talk to her, don't like her, never bring her name up again. He's said this thousands of times before, but he made it legit this time so I stopped worrying about the bitch. Now, he's gonna turn around and tell me he's falling for her? How the hell are you falling for someone you supposedly don't talk to? Betrayal maybe? I know you can't help who you "fall for" but it just happens you're gonna pick the trick over your closest friend? Nah, I'm not down with that. And of course I have one of my biggest shoots tomorrow he's supposed to come to with me and I don't even want to see him. All this effort I put into our friendship and he's gonna blow it on that bitch. DEM Girls, Bizness Meet, Mitch, family, meetings, hanging out. All gone to hell now cause this girl already doesn't like me around. Awesome. Sometimes I fucking hate my dad for leaving because I've always ended up attaching myself to people and it's always fucked me over in the end, always, every single time. I hate to blow him off and be like, "Fuck it", but I don't think I can do it, honestly. He's been there for me through thick and thin, it'd be wrong of me to do that ... But to lie to my face and then straight admit it in the most unfashionable way. I'm not down. I'm so fucking ill right now. Fuck. This. Bullshit. And fuck that bitch to hell while I'm at it. Bedtime.

My mom and I never talk anymore. And a part of me feels bad, but the other part of me is just worn down and out about her. I am happy about my life and where I am at and what I do. I've never been so happy. I get to model part time, which allows me to meet new people from all over North Carolina and make really good friends. I get to host at a steakhouse, which let's me interact with all sorts of people, and the people I work with are amazing. I get to work for a marketing company, which allows me to learn some great information on how to work with groups of people. I get to plan large events and make a lot of people happy. I get to run DEM Girls and also get to be apart of the group modeling. I get to go to college part time, which is always fun, plus I like what I'm studying, so that makes things twice as easier. I get to be apart of an awesome band, which let's me put to use my talent to sing and play the keyboard and write music. Besides ALL of that, I still get free time to hang out with my friends, spend money on my car, and do things just for me once in a while. Nothing I do, is okay by my mom. My modeling is slutty, my friends are bad, my music could be a little less emotional, a little more faster, a little less loud, a little more ballad. My job doesn't allow me to make enough money, my grades are NEVER good enough. We haven't carried on a real conversation in maybe two weeks. Everytime we try, we argue about something. Money, modeling, friends, curfew, SOMETHING. I give up, it's so dumb and annoying, I hate hearing her bitch, I hate talking to her cause all we do is argue. It hruts cause I see how it affects her, but I don't know what to do about it. I'm not going to stop and drop all that I am doing for her. That would make me unhappy. And I'm moving out soon, so what is the point? I have a huge fan base with my modeling, I can't stop now, and I won't. Where I am now? Took me about 5 months to accomplish. To let it all go to waste is stupid of me. This is my future. I am who I am, this is who I want to be. I'm so happy with where I am in life. She doesn't see that. I don't know. I just can't wait to be out of this house. The stupid part is, I abide by all her rules, even though they are stupid. I am home by 9:00 Sunday-Thursday and 11:30 Friday and Saturday. She leaves me notes of stuff to do and I always do them without asking, and she still finds something to bitch about. Done with this for now...

Eh, not sure what it was, but I am officially turned off to Charles. Not feeling it anymore! We're in two totally different scenes, which I thought was great, but turned out to not be great. So, I got bored and have stopped texting him, lol. We text rarely now. It's okay though, because everytime I try to get to know a guy I realize how NOT worth my time it is. I have got wayy too much going on to do any boyfriend type stuff. My future is far my important, and a guy will fall into place when it's time.

Why is Charles sooo interesting to me ?! Haha, things with us are going great, we've addressed the fact we are interested in one another. :) Taking it extremely slow, and it's great. We're both on the same level. On a side note .... I have a slight problem ... Haha The guys in the car club that wanted to be my friend were not attractive so it was easy to take. But now, there are a few guys that catch my attention that are very attractive. And I promised myself I wouldn't fuck with guys in the car meets so I could avoid drama and gossip about me. I don't want guy knowing I get around! It's been 5 months and I haven't slept with any of them. Ryan ...Is hot. Very hot. And very fun to flirt with. Afraid too fun, and could definitely see myself going a little too far with him....THIS IS NOT GOOOOD ! ;) Photoshoot today went straight amazing. Cannot wait to get the prints. It's going to be my best photoshoot yet.

Kind of pissed off at Court. One ; Me and Chasity got really close really quick and then we stopped hanging out. Not for any reason in particular, it was just like the hype ceased. Plus I realzied they aren't my kind of friends. Her, Will, and Eric, all they do is smoke and drink and party. To me, there's just better things to do than those things. Well, Court has seen that me and her have issues now. Like, she will ask Court to hang out but never me. And I never did anything to be honest. I've asked her several times to hang out and go shopping and do photoshoot and she will be like, "Oh yeah, yeah!" And then never talk to me again. Two ; Me and Court are super close and I feel like she uses him a lot to get him away from me. And I don't know why. I'm not sure if he gives her the attention Will doesn't give her or what, but it really pisses me off. And Court knows it but he still goes and hangs out with them without me , and doesn't invite me. I don't get it. Three ; That's what happened tonight. After I got done hanging out with Charles I texted him to tell him about it and got on facebook and his status is, "Hacked but Chasiityyyy" I was like, wtf, so I called him and he's all like oh chilllen with Chasity. -_- Whatever, kinda makes me mad , a lot ! Four ; what.the.fuck.ever.

Time to talk about our newest candidate. Charles. Charles works with Flow BMW. Well, Flow BMW decided to have a work party at Lonestar one night, and that's how we met. We flirted a little bit and I gave him my number. Heard from him two days later, on a Thursday. We started talking back and forth about one another and other random things and now, almost a month later, we've gone out 3 times. Charles is like 6'2, very tall, he has jet black hair and his ears are gauged. He has dimples when he smiles and facial hair, kinda that 5:00 shadow. He has chest hair that pokes out above his V-Necks. We're into a lot of the same things, but also into a lot of different things. But that keeps us both interested in each other at the same time. Tonight we went downtown and ate ice cream and walked around, had a really great time ! We haven't kissed or anything like that, but tonight we got more comfortable with one another :) We're gonna hang out Sunday before my photoshoot ! :) I'm pretty happy. He likes me for me, not for my modeling. He doesn't want anything from me except to get to know the real me. It's a change that I'm really enjoying. Liking how this is all going, and hope it gets better too :)

Missing those boots he always used to wear until he upgraded to Sperry's. He looks so good in those boots. And that Carhartt jacket and tight jeans :/ Saw someone who reminded me of him. I miss that dip in his cheek and that bottle that was always with him. And I miss hearing him pull into my neighborhood and waiting three minutes for his car to actually turn my corner. She's lucky , she has my man .

You want to know what is really shallow? Half of the guys I used to hang out with won't even speak to me because I wouldn't be their girlfriend. Another shallow thing? I have no girl friends because all the girls here hate me, and I haven't done anything to them. I didn't even have girlfriends to begin with except Kayla and now me and her don't even speak. It's hard to make girlfriends now. Most of the girls know me by my modeling and how much attention I get and they automatically do not like me whatsoever. The situation just sucks. Ready for school to start back so I can meet new people.

So a little bit of stress is finally off my shoulders now that summer semester is done with! I feel a lot better tonight. Business meet went exceptionally well tonight. Good times with some great people, networking went really well. Was all good except the mishap of chugging Hennesy on accident, haha. Got to finally have dinner with Charles tonight. And we're at it round 2 tomorrow too :) Dinner went good though, he is a really cool guy! We have some of the weirdest things in common. Totally digging it! :) Tomorrow is my lunch date with Jessica :) Gonna be good to catch up. Then just need to run errands until another hang out with Charles. Pretty excited :)

Like, I don't even know why I'm crying. I have so much going through my head. I'm so stressed. I haven't slept in like 48 hours because it's the end of the semester and I procrastinated on all of my homework so I'm cramming it in now before Wednesday. Among the other 50 million things I need to get done. Busy weeks. I love them, but I don't handle well under stress, and I wish I did. I know it comes with what I do, but I'm tired of sleaze bags. It used to be flattering, but at least ten times a day, a guy will message me, first thing out of their mouth is, "Damn, you're sexy, got a boyfriend?" Why. The. Hell...Would I want to talk to someone like that? It's totally below my standards. I've come to learn that being a model means you play a constant game with the world. You don't act extremely flattered when you're complimented because that shows naivity. You never use a photographer less than the best, and NEVER use a friend's photographer because that "friend" will talk you down to everyone she comes in contact with. Never give away your secrets to your success because your fellow ladies WILL use them as their own and give you NO credit. Tomorrow, I'm sleeping in as much as I can, but I'm meeting Jake for lunch and have work at 4 until 10. Then more homework will follow. Wednesday, I work 10:30-4. Grab some food and head downtown to shoot a business seminar for a few hours and then have a late dinner with Charles. Thursday, lunch with Jessica at 12 and a promotional photoshoot that evening. Among all that, editing photos, networking with people, making plans with friends. Get 4 outfits together for Monday's photoshoot with this new photographer. Ismeal is getting on my ever loving nerve. I'm sick of JT messaging me saying, "Can you resend that I didn't get it." When I never sent annything. I'm worried I'm going to lose my closest friend. I hear of people talking trash about me behind my back and I can honestly say, I never intentionally did anything to them ever. And I hate having people not like me. I'll share the wealth willingly, I wish people weren't jealous of me. I wanna move out so bad, it's killing me. I need money bad too. Listening to Secondhand Serenade tonight is the only thing calming down. That and love from a friend <3 Goodnight.

It's been 79 days since we broke up. It's sad, but at the same time almost a relief to me. I've come such a long way from that first week. I'm so confident. I'm finding my self-worth. I speak my mind and don't get run over by other people. I can trash him, cuss him, embarass him, and pretend he means nothing to me whenever someone is around. But as soon as I'm alone and we cross paths, it's a different story. I could never be mean to him. Even after all the shit he's put me through. I let his stuff, our pictures, and his clothes sit in my room for two months before I stashed them in a box to be put away. And even after those two months, "cleaning house" brought me to tears. I've never put so much of myself into one person. I've never loved someone as hard as I loved Josh. I tried so hard. I still have a hard time fathoming what he's done to me. How this has all played out in his favor blows my mind. He's given me a criminal record. He's cheated on me. He's lied to me and dumped me. He's led me on and played the hell out of me. And I STILL cry. Why? I hate it. I hate him for it all. I can't believe it happened to me. I thought I was careful. I thought I was ahead of the game. Apparently not. "You just kept getting farther and farther away. I tried to save you, but it never added up to much. You'd say, 'I'm falling, farther and farther away.'... Every single day I tried to tell you that you were beautiful. But most of the time you never saw yourself for what you really were. I told you I believed in everything, you and me."Explains it to the point.

Seriously, I waste so much damn time on Josh. Story : Yesterday, he got the first half of his root canal done. I had prepared all day to take care of him that night. First, I offered to take him to the root canal doctor. Which I did. But his mom came, and that was stupid. I didn't want her to come because she always has something she needs, and I'm not going to waste my gas on her, I don't care that much. So, yea, she needed this and that from Wal-Mart. Well, we had to go BACK to their house first...Then go BACK to Wal-Mart. And Josh hands me off to his mom and tells us to go...No...I looked at him like "What-the-fuck" And so he went instead. So, on the way home, I buy him the largest milkshake, $3 and he throws the straw paper in my car floor. No, I have a fucking trash bag. Next, we get home and he doesnt want to drink the milk shake. So he let's the mother fucker sit and melt to no good. Waste of my $3. I shook all that off and just let him sleep on me. Well, last night, he said he wasn't going to work so I planned my entire day, today, around him. I was gonna go to class, and come back to his house and take care of him. So, instead of running all my errands while I'm out and about in Winston already, I come straight home and get my stuff ready. Just for him to tell me he's going to go to work now. I called him and pitched a fucking fit over it too. Now, I've got to waste my fucking gas and go back out and do all those errands that I could've done earlier. His excuse is the money, money, money. God forbid he lose fucking money. Holy shit, it's the end of the world. I'm fed up with this fucking shit. Money and work and his car are so much more ahead of me that I always come second after those three things. I'm fucking sick and tired of revolving my fucking life around his dumbass when he can't do the fucking same for me. I'm livid. Sick of wasting my fucking time. I'm fucking done. I'm done, I'm serious. Things are going to change. Now.

one... my gut feeling is never wrong. sure, the feelings drive me insane, but i appreciate my gut. two... no matter what it is, i always find out. never fails. thank god for connections. stop fucking with me. this is strike three now on lying.

okay, i was totally not myself this weekend. im better now thankfully hehe. okay, tonight i only got to see josh for a wittle bit. tomorrow, were going to chill at his house and lay around. wednesday were having date night. movie anddd dinner yayy. anyways, been a good day and looking forward to the rest of this week.

like, maybe its just me, but i feel like im really missing something. like i feel like im the only one who doesnt know something thats going to hurt me. i cant figure out when it started or what caused it but it frusterating the shit out of me and i wanna save my own feelings but i dont know how. im angry, im nervous, anxious, sad. im so confused, im getting so fed up. i feel like something is really going on. i cant shake the feeling. even though everything is the same as before and nothing has changed, i still feel this way. why, why, why. i cant figure out if its me or if something is really going on.