i've spent the last two hours going through random trinkets that i have collected over the years.
i've cleaned out my moms closet
and i can finally see the surface of my desk.
i've flipped through photo albums of past trips to florida canada and north carolina
i haven't accomplished too much this summer
but today, made up for everything.
i wanted a new start.
i wished for change.
it is finally here.
the past thrown away with grade-five-reading-level books and happy meal toys.
memories sorted into "keep" and "sell" piles.
photographs.
i'm scared.
this summer-
defines the future.
releases me from the past.
writes the stories of the present.
i told myself this time i am not going to care.
i don't need to hear it anymore.
i don't need you.
on the ride home from somewhere the car had been soaked with rain drops. they changed colours.
green
red
green
yellow
red
green
yellow
i decided to stare out the car window and let the tears stream down my face.
in the distace i saw the city.
the yellows of the windows were muffled with a sheet of navy night sky. i saw reds and greens and silhouettes of large towering buildings.
the beauty of it broguht my thoughts to silence.
i turned away and thought
it doesn't matter anymore.
i used to draw.
paint.
create.
and i miss it more than anything.
i wonder
but come never come
to a conclusion.
i lack the ability
to think outside the drawn lines.
i am redundant.
i strive to be different
to like myself just a little more
the more i try
the more i fail.
i do not have the ability to write.
i can't pour my feelings onto paper
i can't draw or paint them
i can't speak the words
that are suposed to be
right.
do you want to go out to montauk with me?
it's odd how people grow.
grow up.
grow apart.
oh goodness.
the past few days have been insane.
i can't control my anger anymore, and after using the word "fuck" more than one humdred times, i still do not feel any better.
it erks me so much that people can walk around, ignore, and pretend that nothing is wrong.
i pray for you. i pray for you every night, for things to get better. for things to reamin normal, but normal is such a silly word. who am i kidding, things will never be normal. as you are changing so am i, and i never imagined i would see the day where you cried and appologized. i never thought this disease would win, but as it eats away at your soul, and you become lesser and lesser, i stand by and watch. i'm helpless and all i can do is wish. wish for something better, i seem to be getting very good at that.
"She said, "It looks as if you've lost your best friend."
I tell her I've definitely lost something close to me.
I can taste the failure on my lips.
You know I'd love to just go back.
You can feel the world biting at my heels....
....Stare straight at the wall until the tears form.
There's just something about the night. It gets me everytime.
Is it already too late to dream? They move on. I stand still.
There's something about the night. That gets me everytime.
To highlight your dreams is to give in to a false reality.
I gave up, I gave in. The joke is always on me...."
those have to be the best lyrics.. ever.. for my life right now.
evil is in everybody's heart and when the evil comes out, its so hard to forgive...even with the good glowing around after...
i cant forgive that person.
i cant speak or see him.
he is disgusting.
There was a yellow knight that wished to save me, but I sat next to a boy with greasy hair and green vans. I chose the boy. I chose the boy, because moments like this are the reason I survive. The reason I keep going.
Sooner or later these moments are going to Die.
And so am I.
i've zig-zagged all over america and i cannot find a safety haven.
would you let me cry
on your shoulder?
i heard you'd try anything
twice.
we stumbled through the cemented park because that's all we could bring ourselves to do. i tackled him once or twice.
we stumbled through the dividers filled with colorful plastic and fonts we could never name. teach me more about what you know so i can fill myself with something other than want. fill my belly with another need so maybe this feeling will go away.
i would give you sickness the way you give me pleasure. it mixes and matches and toils with emotions. it was something we talked about when i spread out on the bed and thought out loud. maybe people try to hard for someone they cant have, meanwhile ignoring others that might be interested. hint hint: jackie.
in my head i'm thinking, "die." in my heart i'm feeling, "dead."
we stumbled and fell. i rolled over and looked into his eyes. i'm still trying to find my way back.
alright, so this isn't necessarily bliss. to tell the shitty truth this might just be a normal thing. an everyday thing. lesser than an everyday thing. i want somone to know that i dont want it to be. i want someone, anyone, any soul to know that for once i'd like this to be a "special". not just anyone could have this relationship..?
i rolled over and rubbed my eyes, scratching out the guck and turning onto my stomach, my head twisted to the right. i remember watching her press her cheek up to the cold glass. i remember knowing she wanted to get out. she wanted to leave her life, leave us, just for a moment.
do you believe in soulmates? i'm staring at the gray wall that reflects a sort of dull glare and it doesnt make me sad, but makes me feel slightly normal. do you believe in soulmates?
maybe.
if someone were to ask me why i write i would tell them i write so i dont do something worse. i write so i dont cry myself to sleep when i feel like shit. i write so maybe one day i could read this and pretend i was alway ok. maybe laugh at my slight insanity.
you see, this is me beating myself up again. this is me sober for two weeks and back again. i get my fix then there's a small threat to never get it again. then my stomach does this sort of sinking lost feeling. it's probably the worst emotional feeling i've ever experienced.
and it all has to do with a damn human.
I'm thinking about the past. I realize dense forest of pure green is beautiful. I realize i already knew that. I realize the cold Atlantic coast with waves crashing againsts cliffs is beautiful. I realize i already knew that. I realize three days in Toledo is enough. I realize I like the city, light, and being around people I hate. Everything I already know is so easy. It's so easy to accept, nod, and understand. It's so safe. Warm. Uninteresting.
All the damn mood rings told me I was calm. They told me I was relaxed. They told me I had love. Mood rings don't know what the hell they're talking about. Try on one. two. three. four. I hate Mood rings.
She sits on a bar stool smiling broadly in my direction. It was a cheap imitation of a smile. I'm sure she paid close to nothing for it, worse, possibly my mother bought it for her.
"what did you do recently, jackie?"
I spent most of my time wallowing in self pity, thank you very much. I spent most of my time in the room given to me, watching the audio commentary on any DVD I could get my hands on. The bed was a Full size, slightly smaller than mine at home. I spread out and drank Margaritas. Lonely. Pathetic. hah. I laugh.
And now.
I'm home.
i'm throwing up in my head and i'm not ok. but i am ok. everything is terrible. everything is perfect. everything is great. i'm not lying. i'm not lying. i'm not lying. i'm not lying.
i promise.
why the fuck did garden state make me cry. fuck.
but right now i feel like i'm waiting for something but nothing is coming and i'm not tired and i'm just here...here....here...right here...
death to the heartache, nothing is ok.
it's getting late as i stuff left over mexican food in my mouth. i'm always hungry. always. i'm gaining weight. always. how about you, me, dinner?
"You're going to throw away your life with him. You're going to have nothing, you know that? Do you want nothing, Jackie?"
I just turned away from mother anger and whispered.
"...Its because I am nothing."
i like laying down and staring at the dark wall. the bed is comfortable and the glow of the TV lights the room slightly. i enjoy these moments, right before sleep takes hold. slowly losing conciousness. breathing slows. body relaxes. eyes close. reality slips away. the covers are warm and welcoming. the worries of today begin to drown. the worries of tomorrow are post-poned.
sleep.