I have a fear of being followed home. I stopped at a red light last night and was motioned to from a girl in a white car next to me. She was trying to talk to me and wanted me to roll down my window. I shook my head and made a frown, like "sorry, but I can't". She made a crane-like movement with her neck throwing it back and then pushing it forward again like she was shocked and had just seen a hilarious movie at the same time. I turned away and kept my eyes straight ahead as to not see what she would do next. I had a thought in my head that maybe her and her passenger would tail me and when I eventually stopped at my house they would confront me and barage me with questions and insults. Insults that I wouldn't be able to handle. I had this fear the whole way home. Tonight I'm dirty. I'm stamped, greased, milk-stained and I smell of sewage. I smell of vomit. These past two days at work have been fast. I find myself not even doing my job anymore as I'm asked to do ten million other things. They're not bad things...but it's just different. I worked in the lobby today, for a little bit. I was nervous when they called me over there and started to train me because I thought I might be getting a promotion...and either way when new information is given to me and I have to learn it quick in front of a bunch of people I get really nervous. I get shakey and my fingers slip on the keys when they tell me to enter a number and I slip up. I slip up because my finger feels like a feather and I can't move it. I had gross, smelly, coffee-spilled trash to tackle. I had milk to mop up and the smell on my hands made me gag and my eyes begun to itch. I decided to play a little today as well. I decided to arch myself up and engage in a conversation with someone and not let go. She says something I reply with my smart-alecky, logical, shut-up your thinking too much reply. I let her know how I am and why I'm such. She gives me insight that I'm holding back and its nice that she notices. I guess everyone can make that assumption. Face it I just wanna rush life right now. I figured this out last night as well. These past days have been full of thinking, it seems so. I figured my life has been slow up until now. It's been no memory after no memory. I've had no first's and I'm behind in my eyes on my life. So my solution? I didn't think I was doing this but I want a family. I want a daughter and a wife...I want my ten year reunion and my evening news. I can't make up for my slow no speed life so I decide to rush it and end it quickly? I guess so. I haven't touched the pedal as of now and all of a sudden I'm ready to push it up to 88 miles an hour and hit that brick wall. I don't know what to do about my complex. I have many complexes.