I don't want to see myself as other people may see me. I don't want my identity to be purely conceived from what I think society says I should be. I don't want these things to happen, but they do, and in turn I'm stuck with what I've got. And what I've got is not me. A lot of times I don't feel normal but I know that's how everyone feels and it useless to whine about it. Still, I feel on the outside. I'm really in a battle against myself. An 'I against I' scenario. I need to better myself, take chances and seize the day but I'm afraid and I'm stubborn. I'm afraid on the one hand I won't do the things I need to do until I'm pushed so close to the edge that I'll take that leap out of desperation and rebellion, screaming "fuck you life. Fine I'll just plow through these things with force and hate." And on the other hand I'm afraid that I NEED to get to that edge to WAKE UP and realize how fast my life is passing me by. But what is that edge? And is there another way to get what I want without having to come those extremes and eventually giving up and taking what wants me? That's scary. I make excuses all the time and I fall back too much on destiny and fate. "It'll all happen eventually, just give it some time." It won't happen until I MAKE it happen. Maybe I'm jaded or bitter because of those times where I stuck my foot in the water and the water was too cold or the sharks were too visible and now I'm sitting on the deck chair looking at everyone having so much fun in the pool on a hot summer day in the middle of July while I sit in my snow globe in the dead of winter. I need to smash the glass, cut my feet and dive in. I need to win.