I don't want to give up. I know it's only been a couple of days, but it seems like waiting a lifetime. Since childhood, yes, forever maybe. For me, it's already been a while, and now that it's out there, accessible by any and all, it seems that every moment is an hour. Seems ridiculous, though, doesn't it? Silly little girlish hope. He's a busy person, in another country - what purpose would it serve to come online and talk to some person about how he'd been seen in dreams? I mean, I must be kidding myself. Must all seem like crazy talk. Did I truly want this thing, did I need it? Or did I just think I did because it suddenly became possible to access? I have all this work due this week, because finals are next week and ... all I want to do is sleep. I want to go back to that world, to the warm place that I have been for the past few nights. I had trouble getting to sleep last night, though. Kelley and Brad kept me up. I don't understand this. I get in late, of course, because I always go home on the weekends to spend time with my parents and do laundry for free, and I always get in to the apartment around midnight or so, which is not uncommon. But Kelley is always complaining about how she never gets enough sleep. She has to be at work at 8:00 in the morning you see, and I have class at the same time. And I don't understand why she can't just ... go to bed earlier. I went to bed about 12:15, told her and her boyfriend that I was, actually, going to bed ... For the next 50 minutes, I hear loud talking and TV. I'm trying so hard to go to sleep, because I have work and school and rehearsal and studying - and they're being loud, as if I wasn't even there. For a while, I thought they were fighting. Then I heard laughing, then the loud television ... So I get out of bed, to tell them to be quiet. I walk into the living room, because I have to go through the living room to get to the kitchen, and I usually get juice and all that. Brad says "somebody looks grumpy." "Can't sleep. Too loud." And that's all I said. Went into the kitchen, drank juice, walked back to my room, and said, very politely, "could you turn that down please? thank you." She was watching Buffy. I want to talk to her about this. I don't want to hear her whine and complain about not getting enough sleep when she has plenty of time to sleep now. I'm tired of hearing her complain about never having time to do anything, when she could simply just not watch Buffy and do her work instead. I get tired of it, seriously tired. She AND her boyfriend NEVER clean up after themselves. It takes, what? Ten seconds to walk from the couch to the trash can in the kitchen to throw away the trash ... and yet, it's lying around the living room. I, most certainly, do NOT have time to clean up after other people. I do that all the fucking time at work, you know, clean up after people, do the dishes and all of that. I don't want to have to come home to do that. It would be different if it was just Kelley and I, but Brad practically lives with us. He doesn't do the dishes, clean up after himself, or even take out the trash. Maybe it's just the karma coming back to me, you know? From when I was a child and always refused to clean up my room, or half-assed my cleaning because I wanted to goof off instead. Instant Karma's gonna get me. If anything, now, I am far more grateful and appreciative of my parents. To think that this is what they had to put up with 24/7 with me. Needless to say, I help out a lot more now when I'm at home. People have been asking me, since I started this diary: "what kind of a person are you?" I say, "I'm just a person." I'm taking off my modesty backpack for a while and just coming out and saying that I'm a good, modest, nice person. I like music, I like children, and I like teaching children. I like being a DJ and I love to make people smile. I'm too giving, to the point that it hurts, not just my pocketbook, but my heart more often. I take on far too much than I should and I stress out over it all. I'm a calm, patient Soul with too much Thought. My thinking, and voicing of my thoughts, often times makes others uncomfortable. But making people uncomfortable is good. Through suffering comes knowledge. Or something like that. I wouldn't know, really, I'm not Buddhist. I'm not exactly sure what you'd call me. I'd say that I'm leaning toward the Wiccan path, though. These past three years, things have just clicked in my mind and I suddenly realized that I know far more than I think I know. I think everyone does. We all know far more than we let on. I suppose it was the moment that I realized that people are people, even when you don't see them. I stopped being egocentric, stopped thinking that it's not all about me, in high school - not to say I wasn't a nice kid or anything, I just realized that people have thoughts, feelings, and hobbies, just like I do, even when they're not present. Life goes on, even when you're not there. I suppose that I could think of other things to talk about ... But not right now. Entries will flood in as they come, and they won't when they don't. That's just how it happens. ... if you're out there ... though ... Just click "yes."