Yes ... well ... I should have copied before I pressed save - but I didn't, so I lost everything. Anyway. I did type a long-ass post, but now ... I don't really feel like retyping anything. Because ... I'd typed it to make myself feel better - it was all happy and whatnot, but then I lost it all, and I wasn't so happy anymore. Somebody just ... doesn't want me to be happy lately. Yes, life has been hell lately. I don't mean to sound obsessive - because, I'm not obsessing or anything, but I just have to say that I really do admire the character of Travis Strong on Radio Free Roscoe. The creators and writers did a very good job in making him what he is - and yes, the actor does an excellent job of portraying him. He's not exactly fearless, but then he's not afraid to be himself. He stands up for what he believes in and doesn't back down. He's open to most anything, even if it disagrees with him, he still will give it a try. He may go into something so firm in his belief, but by the end, he will accept or tolerate whatever the situation is, even if he disagrees. And for the record - that egg drop would have worked if they'd tied the egg to multiple sticks using slightly tensed rubberbands. I was a lot like Travis in high school - minus the whole Buddhist/electronic whiz thing. I wouldn't go as far as to say I was exactly like him, but we do share some similarities. I was quiet - not that social, but polite and kind. Quite friendly, actually. I read a lot - given, I still do read a lot, but now it's not for fun, because of ... you know ... college; it's not so much fun once you get into college. I didn't much like P.E. - lots of people like me, don't. I was and still am an excellent writer and get along well with my peers ... that respect me, that is. I'm tolerant of other behaviors. Sure, a lot of them might piss me off, but hey, I don't make a big deal out of it. I was a very friendly person - and though I was friendly to most anyone, I wasn't exactly friends with everyone. I did have my tightly-knit group of close friends, though. I still do - only they're different friends now. I was and still am extremely talented ... but back then I was nowhere near as stressed as I am now. That's ... just what happens when you go off to meet the real world. *takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly* Things were so much simpler, so much more peaceful back in high school. It's sad that I think I actually knew myself better back then than I do now ... The more I learn, the less I know. The older I get, the younger I become. I've tried meditating again ... once. See, I'm at home home now - home being the parents' place - and all of my incense and candles are at the apartment in Owensboro, so ... I could light some of Mom's Christmas candles. I don't think she'd mind - but she likes to save those for herself. I could give myself the spa treatment in the bathroom she remodeled ... There's candles all over the place, and sweet aroma therapy mixed with a nice hot milk bath and facial ... doesn't sound that bad. But I seriously do need to unwind. I need to relax. I need to find what it is I lost since high school ... and I'll start searching for it as soon as I figure out what it is. I had a good time today, though, with Dad's students. The last day before winter vacation ... and it started snowing. Insane. Second graders + last day of school before vacation + cupcakes + candy + more sugar + pizza + movies + gifts + TOYS + crayons and coloring - school work to the 4th power + five visitors times snow squared = CHAOS But it was fun. I realized that I had my first student crush. *blush* Little guy in Dad's class named Mac has developed a bit of a crush on me. He gave me a gift for Christmas - when he really didn't have to, you know, I'd only been in a few times since the school year started, and he gave me a present. How thoughtful. I would have been happy with just a hug, but it was nice of him. It was a book called Scooby Doo's Shadow Mysteries. Nice book, too. Hard back, lots of fun. (The after-school kids had fun when I let them read it aloud to each other before the bell rang.) It was a good day, aside from the occasional sad face, but I managed to fix that problem quickly. I want to be a teacher ... so badly. I know that is what I'm meant to do. I just hope I can keep my grades up so I can become one. I hope to move back home soon ... a lot of my stress will be gone then, if I did. And I actually do miss the drive to and from school - you know, 30 minutes both ways. It gave me time to focus. Sure, it's an hour out of my day ... but believe it or not, it's time well spent. Plus, driving is kind of like therapy to me ... as long as I know where I'm going and how to get there. If I moved home, I wouldn't have to worry about paying rent and bills ... so I wouldn't have to worry about having another job. I would have more time to devote to my studying and, of course, rehearsing for my senior project/recital. I could substitute mornings on Tuesdays and Thursdays for Wayland Elementary ... I would get to spend more time with the kiddos. And that would be just ... wonderful. I need to get another job now, though, so I can pay next month's rent and OMU bill so Kelley won't have to worry about it when I tell her I want to move out. And yes, I want to move out. It's not just about the stress or the loss of income - it's about her being a really sucky fucking roommate, too, and hardly doing jackshit. Of course ... if I left, she'd be shit out of luck when it comes to furniture. But oh well. Yes, I know I think too much about others - yes, I know I worry too much about others ... but Meredith said that it was time that I start thinking about me, that sometimes I just need to put myself first. And after finding out that my blood pressure is currently 139 over 93 as opposed to Monday, when it was just 123 over 71 ... I would say that it's time I put myself first for once, especially since it's affecting my health. That, and I honestly believe that I would be happier living back home. I honestly do. I'd have constant support and love of my parents - I'd be home by 3:30 every day. I'd be on a normal schedule. I'd have someone to look after me, and I look after them - plus, I'd have my cats. And I love my cats. Oh yeah ... and TV. I don't see very much of that at the apartment since Kelley and Brad (who doesn't even live there) pretty much control the TV and DVD player ... even though they are mine. If I did move out ... they wouldn't have a couch, chair, endtables, dining-room table, TV, DVD player, toaster, coffee maker, and a majority of the cooking supplies would be goooooooone. It would look pathetic, but oh well. I could let her keep the furniture for a while, that is, until she was able to afford her own or found a new roommate ... but seriously ... I'm tired. I'm ready to get myself back on track and move home. ... thoughts? Questions? Comments? Concerns? I'll have more later ... right now, I'm going to borrow some of Mom's candles and meditate in my old room ... which has been turned into a kind of "green house" atmosphere ... I'll be surrounded by plants and open space ... which is just what I need, being an Earth and all. Maybe I have some hematite or amethyst here that I can meditate with. I'm sure I have some amethyst here. I kept it all over my room. And look ... it's snowing again.