I feel horrible. There was a really loud guy in my room, being really loud, and I couldn't leave because it was just us. I didn't trust him. So when Nicole called me to go to sleep, I couldn't hear a lot of what she was saying and she went to bed annoyed with me. Je sens horrible. Viel schrecklich. (I think that one's right = ) So yea, now I'm going to bed sad and angry at myself. Eventually. Not cool. And it was all my fault and responsibility. I love her so much and things are getting to us. I don't know why but it bugs me that these things are happening. >.< I wish we had our place now, because I know this stuff wouldn't happen. I would be more than happy all the time and I really can't wait for it. *sigh*

Oh lordy am I embarrassed. I accidently left my private entry unprivate for a short duration, unto which my friend had read it. He's none the worse off, but I'm embarrassed cause it's only supposed to be known to me and a couple others. So those that read it, I apologize. I am still just as good as I was before. I am a true person, honest and good, and please don't hate me. I am whole now.

Ahoy! Not much tonight. I have a little homework I've got to do, otherwise it's turning out to be quiet. The room smells like popcorn because Chris made some, lol. Oh! On Tuesday I wrote a short poem when I had some sudden inspiration. It's about dreams; nightmares specifically. The third stanza might not make as much diamond cut sense as the first two, but maybe that's the point. Plus the rhyming is different, and other things. Anyhoo: In our dreams sometimes we scream, out of fear of some "scary" near. It is not wrong nor does it last long, but all the same it's "real," and the terror we can feel. But know this: of that we "see" must somehow be real, no lie. So rest easy my friend, for what is real can bleed and die. So that's it. Thought it was kinda cool - what I meant by the end is that such nightmares can be beaten down and cast away, thus having no more nightmares of that certain one. It is possible, I've learned to do it! I'm a college bum. I'm hungry.

So I've been doing my roman numerals wrong since 40. Crap. Nobody hit me, I got it right now. Is it just me, or am I the only one who wanted to go back to school? I seriously think I am. I love college, and learning, and doing all this stuff. I want to learn, and that's the thing. Most people are here to get drunk or whatever they're excuse is. Me I want to get ahead in life instead of wasting time, money, and life. I still think that's just me...but eh. I've got class in 30, so I gotta split. Take care all!

I was thinking about adding color here, but I don't think it would work very well. I see others that are too gaudy and it's hard to even read what they wrote. That would never become mine, my faithful readers, to all our benefit. Ah, but I did find a way to put in a little useful color - very light blue for visted links. Success is mine! Plus the picture here is black and white. Might look out of place in color, so everything is in shades. Doesn't mean my journal is sad or emo - far from it. They are entered here direct from my brain, whom has long ago decided that thinking in shades is better than black and white. When I make a friend, I generally am going to be forever a friend to them, unless they do something stupid or something worse toward me. I have made past relationships that dry up quickly, leaving me with acquaintances, which are generally not too much fun. So I make a few select solid friends, and that is who I am loyal to. Thus if you are my friend, you can trust me wholly to do and think what is right, and be completely honest with you. Makes for a good friend huh, lol. Finally got my name on facebook.com because my friends have been pestering me to do it. It is useful to find some good people, but the rest are generally just looking for a new hit, bed buddy, or bar mate, of which I am none of the above. Ah well, it'll be good for finding more friends around here. Hopefully, lol. Interesting, that just yesterday when I signed on it, there were but 70, now there's over 160. Madness! Course I'm on two facebooks, one generic and one NIU. Hahaha...I'm a sneaky git. Thought for the day "If we all looked alike, then would it matter if we were naked or not? See it once you've seen it all..."

Well here I am at school, and it's been quiet the past few days, and that's quite nice. Of course, there's a new guy on the floor and I don't think he understands that it's a quiet floor yet, lol. Ah well, whatever. I've made a mess of my room already, and it's been only 3 days. I gotta clean up tomorrow so my roommate can move in with ease. It's good to see the whole crew again. I missed them over break, and only saw them never over it. Kinda sucky, but it happens. I rather like my journal here, but can anybody think of ways they might see it as better? Not that I'll change it, I'm just curious as to what you might like to see on it. From the black one would think that this is a deadbeat type place, but it's not; it's just it sets the mood for all I'd like it to be. Another good way is to listen to the song "Your eyes open" by Keane. I love that song so much. It's hauntingly nice...it's also what I think the world should do sometime soon, before we all go screwy and suddenly McDonald's is putting Caution: Cold on their ice cream cones, etc. I love this song...listening to it now, actually. lol If anybody wants to see pictures of some of the models I've built and painted, here's a link to the site I've posted them on: http://photobucket.com/albums/v232/veritas117/ Hopefully the link works; if not, then go to photobucket.com and search for the album veritas117. Either way should work. =][= before anyone continues reading, be they warned that the following are expressed political views and aren't meant to excite the blood of others. they are simply how I and some others view the world now =][= My generation is the absolute last of the rock era, I'm thinking. My friend finally opened her eyes to what I already knew. The music and themes nowadays are sexual. That's basically it. I would believe we are now in the pop/ra/hiphop era, geared towards making children (CHILDREN!) become sexually active at an impossibly early age and not put any value on it. Her sister is 6, and she's dancing like the sluttiest singers (or females on most music videos now) and loves their music. I know too many people influenced by this music (weak spined, etc?) and they are doing such things. The worst was a girl having sex in 7th grade. I mean, c'mon. I really doubt her parents were the cause of that one. At what point will someone in power realize that this is, according to our country, morally wrong? Our gov., Hot Rod Blagoyevich, is trying to limit the sale of mature video games to only older kids. Well, the youngers can just get it from their older siblings/friends, just like drugs anyways, so that's not going to help at all. *sigh* Like the title of my last entry "Oh the times..." We'll see how things turn out. All I can do is laugh at the younger generations, lol. No offense meant at all, I'm just sayin' it as I speak it. Granted, none really is all that great, it's just that their future kinda looks bleak, what with the proliferation is stupid people, ideas, fads, and "coolness" factors. Although some people are still good...ah well. Thought for the day "What tragedy is life, that the intelligent know that only the stupid breed most often and without care."

So I'm back at school. Woooo...fun. ACtually it is; I'm back amongst all my friends, or will be when they return, and I'm finally out of the house. I was going insane!!! Had no work for 5 weeks...no car cause sister had it most of the time...ugh. Oh well. And now I'm really quite hungry. I need to eat, but I don't wanna clean the dishes. *sigh* it's a rough life eh. Thought for the day: "Complex problems require simple solutions. ie: multiple virus infected computer. Solution? Drop a really big rock on it from a good height. Buy new computer."

Ha, in response to deadpoetic, I am extremely good at Halo. You probably would simply walk away after a minute or two...I've known people who were close to it, but it was after a few more minutes. Now to everyone else, Halo isn't my life, just a hobby. Like I don't spend all my time playing it - far from it. I really only play it now when my friends and I play, and it's probably a few times a month now. Nonetheless, I still slaughter them...and the friends I like best are the ones who in the face of such losses, still come back for another go and keep playing. They are strong and strong willed. They are determined to beat me, and while I don't let them, sometimes they do get the better of me. I enjoy that. Ha, have wanted to write this down for a while. I rarely take any medicines. In fact, other than like aspirin or other headache stuff...tylenol really that's about it, I don't let anything into me. While duh that means no drugs, smokes, alcohol etc, it also means I discourage medicines and such. I think all they do is make me weaker. Having to depend on something else to make me feel better just does not mesh with me. I need to be able to support myself in entirety. Strangely enough, not taking anything at all has been beneficial, as my immune system is incredibly strong, more so than most people. When everyone else is sick and snuffy I'm just fine, and laughing inwardly, hehehe. Of course I still do get sick...just like maybe once or twice a year now. Rarely I get something that's powerful enough to beat it's way past my immunities, but when it does...wow. Only the big things can lay me low now. Which brings me to another thing - other people. Caffeine, ie coffee and such, pesters me. People "need" it in the morning to wake up. I don't. Do I think I'm special? no. I just think that people are too hyped up on what something does to them and then gets an addiction...making them weak. People as a whole are weak. There are some exceptions, meaning I don't think I'm the only one who isn't because I'm not egotistical, I'm simply spelling out the simplistic truth. And truth hurts. I hate lies, deceit. Haha, of course that's a fatal flaw of mine. I deal in truth. Most times that is what gets me in trouble with anyone, even my friends. I seek out the truth, and I expose it where I see it's fit to. Unfortunately for me, many people seek to cover it up because it can be damaging...or common courtesy to let it not be spoken. I say it like it is, and nothing will probably change that. But I'll do what I can to minimize it...for other people. I lived a year and a half alone, thinking only for myself, and it's hard to get out of that kind of mindset. So I'm trying, but I still find it necessary to ask forgiveness to those I inadvertantly offend, and it's happened too much. Fatal flaw. "Tyranids are creatures from our darkest nightmares. But remember this: they can bleed and they can die..."

So yea, last night was fun. Went over to my friend's house and we played co-op Halo 2 on legendary for 6 hours or so, and got through maybe a 3rd or more of the game I think. Maybe more. But anyways, that ended around 5 this morning, which was crazy. So I came home and, not being tired, greeted my ma as she got ready for work. I saw that the dishwasher was clean and not wanting to do it later, emptied it then. Mi padre shuffled out too for his morning routine and was very confused at my being awake, much less emptying the washer at 6 in the morning. I explained that I pretty much just got home, so he said then that he wouldn't rustle me outta bed at noon when he comes home for lunch. Ended up being I was awake again slightly before then, so I got just over 5 hours of sleep. Not really that bad, as I did the same on new years but with different reason, and also I didn't start school today. Not until the 13th does that happen, so I've got until then to get my schedule straight and be sleeping right. Not like I maintain it all the time anyhow, just useful. Watched Hidalgo in my hours of relaxtion today. I think it's pretty good, if for that a few parts might have been either cliche or predictable. Still good story though. Anybody hear of an online cartoon called Salad Fingers? It's kinda freaky and just really weird. They're on www.fat-pie.com, and really just like...creepy weird, lol. My friend showed them to me last night. It's better to watch them at night, alone, in the dark, and the volume kinda loud. hehehe... "Success is commerated. Failure merely remembered."

Well, here it is at last, 2005. Doesn't seem much different from the last year, broadly speaking. But getting into the nitty-gritties, that's where it's different. I don't like the '05 part. It just seems like a weird number to me. Oh well. As for anyone who is wondering about my date up there, here's the key to it: 001 = current day of the year 005 = current year of the millenium M21 = current millenium I didn't come up with this system, I just found it amongst some writings I had floating around my room. Crazy, huh. Nicole and I are like perfect (had to say the like because if I said perfect, someone up thre might smite me or something because there can't be perfect). Here's what I said to her earlier tonight: "you are what lifts my day, no matter what kinda day it is. having another person so close to me of their own volition is an awe inspiring thought, to me. that they care that much about me cinches it. everything about us is happiness, whether its trying something pleasureably new, taking a walk and talking, relaxing somewhere with something to entertain, or even when youre watching me play halo. even then do you bring me great joy, tho i know it eventually bores you. that is just awesome to me, cause usually people i know dont stand much for my antics like that, but you do and it makes me care and love you even more" her: "its ok that its long, we just work and your antics dont bother me at all. i just love spending time with you." Now I mean, c'mon, this girl I love so much says that? It blows me away how much I wasn't expecting with our relationship and her. She is simply amazing; so caring, attentive, charming, relaxed, open. I'm incredibly surprised I found her and she liked me in minutes. But hey, that's how things happen sometimes. So yea, that part of my life is simply...exquisite. School will be starting in two weeks. Finally! I've missed my friends and can't wait to see them. Plus I want to go back to classes as weird as it sounds. I miss those too - they're more fun in college. I wish upon all who read this a happy/beneficial/whatever-you-want new year, and may it be blessed as much as my last. Today's quote: "After a thousand battles, all I see is death!"

I do my best for the world when it does little for me. Who can I turn to when my own mind can't see? Heavy with burden solid with guilt. Demons tear down the walls I have built. I could be tragic a tragic hero at best. But who will come when I lay down to rest? There are no believers in ways anymore. I am alone, outnumbered; there is only war. I don't know why these things come to mind. But for somebody else they are a story to find.

Ugh. I need a piece of glass to put my head through. I need an axe and a forest to release tense anger and frustration on. *sigh* but if I only had these things. I suppose CS will do. Kill until I am too tired to care anymore. I hate having bad thoughts made true. Am I doomed to constant failure? To have everything I work for fall from under me every time something "good" happens? WTF. Why should I bother then. Maybe I'll just tell everyone I settle for less than I want now, be sad so others are happy. That's a good thing right? Maybe I should stop trusting everyone completely. My "naivety" is definitely getting the better of me. Pah, thinking someone could hold a promise...what was I thinking. The world doesn't do that anymore, not for a price. I guess I'm the only one that cares enough to do things selflessly. The only one that actually doesn't have ulterior motives, that will help without being asked.

Heart torn asunder he weeps to wonder what is real because he cannot feel I was thinking of cool words to use and write about, and this is what I came up with. I like words.

Well, I got myself sick. Probably from kissing Nicole when she was sick, haha. Ah well. Kinda sucks but isn't bad. I'm weakened and have a sore throat, but otherwise fine. I miss her.

lol, this is goofy, and not wholly true. The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to the First Level of Hell - Limbo!Here is how you matched up against all the levels:LevelScorePurgatory (Repenting Believers)LowLevel 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)HighLevel 2 (Lustful)ModerateLevel 3 (Gluttonous)ModerateLevel 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)LowLevel 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)Very LowLevel 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Very LowLevel 7 (Violent)LowLevel 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)ModerateLevel 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)LowTake the Dante's Inferno Test

So pardon me while I burst, in azure flames. I've had enough of this world and its people mindless games.

So I've been having a turbulent recent two weeks. All told (in the order I was told), my excitements are: *one of my friends back home lost some morality *I found out my sister is dating a married man *my CA is a minor league pro-wrestler. Good to have in a friend *I've had 4 exams. ow. *I won a "best sportsman" award, huzzah *one of my friends has died So yea. Been...interesting to say the least. My hope for a happy entrance to Spring Break was cut with attending a funeral/memorial when I go home. D'oh. I do have a juice box to make me happy though.

So I was thinking a few days ago. Why do we call other races by false adjectives? Take for instance African-Americans. That is the politically correct way to describe their ethinicity. But it is incorrect. They are the same race as us - humans. We're all humans. Race and species are the same in my mind. It's not called the race of mankind by accident. They were not born in Africa, but rather here. What would we say about others not born from where their genes come from (not in the biblical sense)? Should we call people Japanese-Americans, Asian-Americans, Canadian-Americans, Mexican-Americans, French-Americans? NO! They are who they are. If they were born in this country they are Americans, plain and simple. If they were born in a different country than they should be known by that, not a diluted form. Thus we have Japanese living in America, Mexicans living in America, etc. Technically all us white people are European-Americans because that is where we came from. But we're not called that. We're Americans. Why can't people get that through their heads? Why must they be such idiots as to label everything incorrectly? Black, white, pink, brown, tan, pale. These, although crude, are at least true, since they describe skin color. I mean, wtf is caucasian? I apparently am, and I didn't learn that until I started taking standardized tests. On a different note, why do many institutions teach tolerance? By implication, to tolerate means you are putting up with something you can't stand. Why not teach acceptance like other places? Acceptance that things are the way they are. If you want to make a big fuss then change things. But to accept something over tolerate it is much better in my opinion. Instead of not liking somebody and putting up with their problems, accept the fact that they messed up, have problems, and you can choose to help them or not. A lot of things are a two-way choice like that, even though people don't see it that way. All done for today.

I think Nicole is the best. Stupid Valentines Day, costing me money though...

I was watching some geese and ducks in the pond this morning. It's always an interesting bond I've noticed between them. The geese will sleep in the morning, while the ducks patrol around and keep watch. I found it funny that the ducks are making something of a ruckus, trying to impress the female ducks and whatnot. The geese would raise up, look around, and then go back to sleep. It was pretty neat. A cute relationship. School is starting tomorrow. Gonna be interesting, and I will see how the world works again in school. Yay, lol.