Today would mark my brother Jim's 32nd birthday yet this is year number seven that he isn't here to celebrate with his friend's and family. Last year on this day, Tim bought me cupcakes and we ate them while saying Happy Birthday to him. This year I spent the day in class and at work just thinking about him and not sharing the day with anyone. I miss him ever day and every day I still wish I could go back in time and it would be my life that was being taken and not his; I swear he had so much more to live for than me. Jim, you will never be forgotten and I will always think of you on your special day. Happy Birthday big bro! 9/1/77 -- 12/5/01

Wow, I have pretty much forgotten about this diary; I don't see the need to write in here anymore. I finished my summer classes hopefully with two A's but I won't know until next week still. I get to dog sit all weekend for my second family of dogs; there's three of them including the newest addition Drake. He's a 12 week old boxer puppy to go along with the other two older dogs. My mom lost her job which sucks, but I'm still surviving at school with no money but at least I still have my job. Plus I have the greatest roommate in the world and August might be a good month for me. I see a boyfriend in my future and I get to go to see one of my favorite bands in concert thanks to my sister. Plus another weekend away with my daddy and my MIS buddies so I'm pretty excited about that. And I will try to write more since I feel the need to lately; however, with a lack of computer it's sort of hard. My computer crashed and I won't have it back for a while still. <3

So I’m hanging out in my living room alone and I’m thinking about a ton of crap. I feel like lately nothing is going right for me and that I’m watching my life fall apart right in front of my eyes. I feel like I’m back on this shitty stupid rollercoaster and that I can’t get off it. I am not sure why I have all of these feelings anymore; maybe it’s because I’m all alone, but maybe it’s just because I’m almost twenty-three years old and I feel like things should be more into place. How is it that Kristin can find a boyfriend and I can’t? I’m like seriously :[ that’s so depressing when even she can and I can’t. I’m like what the fuck is wrong with me? It doesn’t help that I’ve been thinking about Tim a lot either. At this time last year I felt like everything was going right; I had this amazing boyfriend who treated me the way I deserved to be treated and was always around, even when I needed him. Now I’m sitting in my new apartment at school all alone because my roommates are gone and my “friends” aren’t around. I’m like what the fuck how come I get stuck being so alone without any friends. Ugh my life sucks. I’m like I’m supposed to have these friends and this perfect life but nothing is going right for me. I’m like wow I still have two years of school left and I have no boyfriend and I spend way too much time alone. I am not playing softball and I’m just like ugh this fucking sucks. Sometimes I wish Christine was still in Allendale with me because than I would have someone to hang out with. Scott wanted to hang out and I said that I wasn’t doing anything and yet I still haven’t heard from him and he got out of class at 3 PM. I guess I’ll spend another night alone hanging out by myself. At least in Warren I have some friends and family that I can go and see. Only one more day in Allendale and then I’m home for a few weeks and a trip to Florida. Maybe when classes start at the end of June I won’t be so lonely since I’ll be busy with work and school and everything. Is it time for MIS yet or anything? Only one more month and then I’ll be off at the speedway with my favorites and watching my boy kick butt and all that good stuff. Oh how I have no more summers left anymore. Two more years and then maybe I can move out of Michigan and start my life over. Maybe that will help me forget some of this pain that I’ve been feeling lately. I miss my brother :[

Wow it's already May and I've let this diary go. I guess I have nothing left to say. I know that I should update because it would do me good to get everything off my chest, especially on here where no one knows me and than I can say whatever I want :] I think I'm due for something.] Moral of this is that I'm doing well.

Wow I haven't updated in three months. No more boyfriend, no more living at home, no more anything worth while. I have given up on everything like I said I would. GVSU is amazing and I never want to come home anymore. I have been in WRN for three weeks and want to strangle myself. I will miss my friends when I go back but I will eventually be home again. Things are great though and no more being depressed, for now at least. Now I just need to concentrated on bringing up my GPA.

I fucking give up; on everything. I'm so fed up with this shit. Ugh; I can't do this anymore.

I love this boy. School is good minus still not having a shit load of friends; however, I am making friends in some of my classes so that helps out a lot. I just need to start hanging out with them and maybe I won't be so lonely. I still miss home a lot, but I'm starting a new chapter in my life. I know that I don't need anyone's approval anymore. I know that I can do this as long as I keep my head up and work my butt off. I know that my grades will help me in the end and that I can do anything I want to do. I know that I will be ok. I miss Tim everyday and I know this feeling is LOVE! I know that even though I'm 200 miles away, we will be ok because we both want things to work. I know that we may not talk everyday and that I won't see him that much but I know everything will work out in the end and what's meant to be will happen. I know that I love him and he says he loves me too. I know we'll both concentrate on school and I'll see him soon enough. I go back to Cincinnati in five days. I just have to survive the next four days with classes and quizzes and homework and reading and than bam I go home and than I get to see my boo and let me tell you I can't wait just to be able to spend the weekend in his arms five hours away from home. I've pretty much given up on this shit though. I'll still try to update though.

So today was my first day of classes for the fall semester and that means that I only have fifteen and a half weeks to go before the semester is over with. I have the hardest semester too and its only the first day and I've already had three chapters to read along with a paper due next week already and I don't know how I'm going to survive. I miss my boyfriend so much. I seriously love that boy and it sucks that I can't be with him right now and I haven't seen him in three days and won't be able to see him for another four. I just want to go home and see him. I know that moving out here was going to be the best thing for me but it seriously sucks not having anyone's support and a hard semester and Tim being 180 miles away :/ My heart hurts. I have a job interview on Friday; let's hope it goes well because I need to make some money. Maybe I should still look into selling my plasma because they pay $250 and I could use the extra cash right about now. My dad telling me he'd pay my second month's rent helped a lot but I just need to hope I can come up with bill money for the next nine months. Why did I move again?This place doesn't even come close to feeling like home yet.:/

I'm leaving in nine days to start my third college in four years and to move away from home. I'm scared and nervous at the same time because I only know one person out there and we aren't even friends; plus the girls I'm rooming with I have never met. I hope its nothing to major because I really need to finish school and move on with my life. I'm going to miss Tim; we've only been dating since end of April/beginning of May but I feel as if I'm falling in love with him and its scarey and exciting at the same time. He means the absolute world to me and I'm afraid that its going to be too rough on our relationship. I really hope we make this three hour distance thing work because I can't picture my life without him. He means everything to me and I would take a bullet for him and risk my own life just to let him live his. Oh I swear its love. Hope everyone is good.

I have my apartment worked out; I leave in twenty days; I'm going to miss my boyfriend; for the first three months I'll hardly see him. I'm excited and scared at the same time.

I leave in about a month. I'm scared and nervous at the same time. At least I still have the greatest boyfriend in the world <3

I am very self conscious about myself. I am also very jealous and very selfish which is getting me into trouble lately. I know that being jealous and selfish and self conscious isn't a good thing nor will it ever be. I don't know why I get that way but I feel like its wrong to act that way. I hate how everything I do seems to be the wrong thing. Lately I've felt as if nothing in my life could go right and it fucking sucks. I feel like everything that I'm accomplishing at this time doesn't make a difference to anyone. I feel like I've been going nowhere. I mean I've been out of high school officially four years last month and I feel like I've done nothing over that time. I still have twenty [maybe nineteen] classes left for my major and minor and I feel like I should be done already. Ugh, this blows. I also feel like I can't live without you. I know that we haven't been together that long, but seriously since I've known you I feel like things couldn't be more perfect. You mean the world to me and sometimes I don't always get the feeling that you feel the same way even though you tell me you do. I don't want things to change but everyone thinks they will when I leave in a month. I want you to always feel this way about me, but lately I've gotten this whole vibe feeling that you don't. This sucks because I'm scared to lose you but have a feeling I'm pushing you away :/ How come my family never talks to me? Its like I don't even feel like part of my family anymore. They only talk to me when they need a favor or need to borrow something. I'm like wow I can't even pay my bills lately how the hell am I going to help you. I feel like the minute I leave they're going to miss me but while I'm here they won't care one bit whether or not I'm ok. I hate how some people can be so self centered sometimes. I know that leaving next month is going to the be the best thing I could do for myself. I'll be three hours away so I could always come home but I definitely can't wait to go. I need a change of scene and a change of pace and just a change of everything. I'm counting down the days. Why can't I be a little girl again?

"I can't help but think of the times I've had with you. Pictures and some memories will have to help me through, oh yeah." I thought that seven years later I would be okay; that your death would no longer hold this extreme void over my mind, body, and soul. It seems like lately I was wrong though; I haven't been able to get you off of my mind over the last week or so. It seems as if everything I do involves you and I have been thinking about you a lot lately. I seriously wish that I could have been the one that had their life suddenly taken from them so that you could have lived a long life. Everyone loved you; recently I've felt as if no one cares about me. I feel that if I was the one that died than everyone would be living better with you here instead. That everyone would be content because their greatest friend and hero and favorite family member would be here instead of me; I just take up space and breathe air that I swear people wish I didn't. I'm sick of fighting with everyone and having all of these crummy days. I'm sick of living this life that no matter how hard I try to change it, I can't. I'm sick of people lying to me and telling me things when in all actuality they don't give a damn about anyone but themselves. I'm sick of trying to do great things for myself and not having anyone appreciate me. I wish that I could go back in time to when I was the happiest; when I was a six year old girl who's clothes never matched and G.I. Joe's were my favorite toys; to the time where I didn't have to fret over work, school, and money. To the point where it seemed like life wasn't challenging everyone and before being skinny and pretty mattered to everyone. To that neighborhood where things didn't go wrong; where the neighborhood kids let me play in their sports games and everyone actually talked. I'm so sick of reality and life. It seems as if I'll never be skinny enough or pretty enough for anyone. Celebrities have everything and I can barely manage to pay my damn bills on time anymore. Where all the gossip involves the people with money who can afford plastic surgery and who can look like the perfect human being. Not someone like me who is gaining weight and can't seem to do anything right. The girl who can't accept the way she looks; the girl who wants to lose ten pounds just so she can be content with her body; who knows that she'll never be perfect enough of envied enough. That girl who wants to just be normal where nothing matters to people and cliques never existed. I want to run anyway. August and school isn't going to come soon enough. I know this is extremely jumbled; who cares anymore.

Its not like my blogs are worth reading and I end up deleting them anyway but its about that time where I write in here again. I keep saying that I'm going to write a book about my life; my struggles through the game of life; the pain that I've had to go through and things that I really couldn't accept or want to believe in; the lies that everyone's told me since I was a mere child ... I know that I'm only twenty-one, but boy do I feel like I've been through a shit load of stuff that no one should ever have to go through; I feel as if I'm one of a kind. Every since I was a little girl, everyone's deserted me for one person or another. My dad left my mom for another woman [even though they all disagree on that statement]; my grandma died because she was old and it was just her time to go; my mom's side is feuding completely; I don't see anyone on my dad's side; my brother Keith does drugs and drinks a lot and I think its to escape the reality of life; my brother Jim's death ripped a hole into my entire heart and entire life [a hole I'm still trying to mend]. My senior year of high school everyone stopped talking to me because I quit the team and ruined the chance of going to the state meet for our relay [sorry, but we would have gotten our asses handed to us and I couldn't run anymore for that team]. Chanel stopped being my friend because I didn't feel the same as her about certain things; she was the one person I confided in about everything. Rick hates me because I'm dating someone other than him and all my coworkers don't even talk to me. I work a dead end job because I love it and the pay sucks but I some how manage to survive with it. My boyfriend is the only person that I ever want to be around anymore because he's the one person that makes me feel complete and even though we haven't been dating that long, I swear this is meant to be. It's like we can spend the entire weekend together and the moment we leave each other we wish we could be together again. He's become the one person that I trust more than anyone else because I know that he would never leave me and when I need a friend he's the first person I think of calling. Making the Dean's list for two semester along with pulling off straight A's doesn't impress my family so I tell my boyfriend since he assures me that he's proud of me and that I'll go somewhere in life. It's moments like those where I never want to lose him. There's so much more I need to say, but I'll hold off on making this longer.

it all started with a kiss ...

I'm embarrassed about what happened yesterday and last night at Tim's; I know I shouldn't be but I am. I'm keeping this a secret :/ I'm stupid. School starts August 25. That means I move out of my house and up to school the week before. I don't have a place to live yet nor do I know how I'm going to pay my bills and for school; I should figure a plan out eventually. Maybe I'll just sell my body to make $5000 dollars and than I'll pay my bills and be ok. Ugh money and life is stupid; at least I get to run away soon.

I hate the first week of summer camp and kids club at work; its been so crazy these last two days and my coworkers are being lazy and not doing as much work or so it seems. I think its time for a new job; or a life. Michigan International Speedway was amazing; even though my driver finished almost last. Stupid drive shafts breaking or whatever. I got burnt too and that sucks because my body is achy and all red and hurts. I do have orientation next week for school and I can't wait to leave. Just a few more couple weeks and than I'll be gone and on my way to a new place; away from my family. I hate myself tonight though :/ I don't know why I write anymore.

Oh holy amazing. Cincinnati was absolutely stunning. I serioiusly wish that I didn't have to come home. The weekend with my awesome boyfriend ended way too fast and didn't start soon enough; I guess that's usually how it happens though.Friday we left Michigan and started our dreaded drive down to Cincinnati. We stopped a few times on the drive down and detoured away from Detroit to avoid the stupid construction. We got to Cincinnati around three pm and checked into our hotel. Than a cat nap seemed so amazing because of the long day we already had. The baseball game was amazing; however Griffey didn't hit his 600th but its ok because it was amazing. The Reds have a better ball park than the Tigers; everything was cheaper and it was just more amazing. The fireworks after the show were bigger and better than the entire city of Detroit's too.Saturday we spent the day in Kentucky. We thought about buying more Reds tickets but opted against it; Griffey did hit his 599th though so that was cool since we were in Cincinnati for that. We went to the Aquarmine in Kentucky during the day and had ice cream from Graeter's which is really popular down there. We spent the day walking around Kentucky exploring and just enjoying the awesome weather. We had dinner at Skyline Chili which is also extremely popular down there too; Tim and I weren't too impressed but it was alright. We still walked around and just sat by the bridges and the Ohio River enjoying the weather and downtown Cincinnati at night with the buildings and lights on.Sunday we checked out early and started our drive home. The drive home definitely seemed really short but that's how vacations are. We pit stopped at the Toledo Zoo and it was way better than the Detroit Zoo. I was really impressed and I'm not going to lie, we did get lost and turned around in the zoo. We got home and it sucked because I still wanted to be in Cincinnati far away from people, stress, work, and everything else in Michigan. So now I'm back in Michigan with still hardly any work hours but getting things ready for school in the fall. Tim and I are still perfect with the perfect relationship and I think Cincinnati helped us both. We also go back in September++Hope everyone is doing well++

I miss him :/

Over the last three weeks I've been royally screwed over; I don't know why either but it fucking sucks. My hours at work got cut once again and granted i've taken days/weekends off but I'm still not working at all. I hate how everyone's aloud to come home from school for two semesters and steal my fucking hours; why not the people that never want to work, why mine? I hate how Sheldon keeps doing this to me for the third week in a row after I spent forty plus hours there for him for an entire two months straight; even with taking five classes at Macomb too. I don't know how I'm still living after all of that but it's definitely not getting better. Plus I got my GVSU financial aid papers in the mail today and with my luck over the last three weeks, I won't be going there like I planned in the fall for the year. I'm being completely screwed over with everything and nothing that I do or say changes anything and I don't know how I'm going to pay for stuff or how I'm going to come up with my Orientation fee or my Housing deposit and with all my hours being cut at work nothing is helping and I don't know what I'm going to do. I had my heart set on leaving and now I'm not so sure that's going to happen anymore. Oh how I wish I could just lay my head down on those train tracks and never see the light of day again. Don't bother commenting either.