There comes a point where a birthday is just another day in your life. You don't feel you deserve anything special, nor does the day hold any significant meaning. This has come a bit soon to me, as I already feel it. Take for instance my 21st birthday, in less than two years. For some reason it's this huge thing where I'm supposed to get wasted. Why, because I'm legal? That's stupid shit man. Simply because it's available, or legal, or whatever, doesn't mean it should be done, ESPECIALLY when it only harms one's health, no matter the short term effects. Nicole can plan anything she wants for my bday, I don't care. All I have to say is nobody better slip anything into my food or drink, as I will know and be pissed like you wouldn't believe. See, that's when a good chunk (let's say nearly ALL) of my trust for that person vanishes. I am not a drinker. I don't want to be a drinker. This will have a consequence, such as I will never be able to "kick one back with my old man" but you know what? Who gives a damn. That is not me. Now here comes my next dilemma: Nicole's 21st bday. It's this winter. I want to plan something special where we go out and I treat her to a nice dinner, go somewhere relaxing, give gifts, etc. The rest of her friends, and I think her dad or parents, both or neither, want to get her drinking or drunk. Now I'm getting in the way of her life, and that's rude. Who am I to deny her that? This hurts most of all, because if I let her be like that, then I have to leave. I will not be with someone who drinks, plain and simple, because they go where I cannot follow. They do what I hate. Why can't for once in my life have someone I know who won't do anything like that? Sometimes I fear we are from two far different worlds, and thus such a thing won't work, but I'm struggling to make it work. I want it too, with all my heart, but with everything pushing in, it's very hard. Gawddamnit I hate being me sometimes. I hate the world and its ways. I hate how things "must" happen. I hate how some people can be so conniving as to do something they know the other person will hate most. I want a world where something goes right, where people are for once proper, possibly smart. Screw this cracked up society. It's all fucked to hell anyways. I sometimes feel I'm the last one around who won't give in. I grew up strong, and even when I saw my brother and father cutting corners and doing things considered wrong, I got pissed. Hell, I feel bad disobeying rules and signs and the like. You know why they exist? To keep order. Not imprison you, but to make sure things work right in the great machine of life. I'm ranting and it feels good. I couldn't sleep tonight and I had to get it out, this being the only source. I don't have anyone to complain to. This is my only refuge and venter of emotions. Sometimes I just want to scream, but I won't. Sometimes I just want to cry, but I can't. I'm a poor conversationalist. I can barely strike up one with Nicole, much less make her laugh, and yet her friends can have her laughing within seconds. I hate myself for it. I'm not good enough for her. I suck.