Yesterday mom told me she has a lump on her chest, I saw it. She will be going to the doctors soon, not soon enough. last May I found out the man I had called my fiancé was sleeping with numerous women behind my back. He had lied to me, deceived me, used me and took advantage of my time. I spent time and money on him and it was all a waste. I loved him, with all of my heart. He was the first and last thought of my day. He is now dead to me. I would love nothing more than to see someone stab him! I'd even like to hit him with my car. For months I felt nothing but hatred, pain, agony, and stress from the garbage he left behind. When we met, I wasn't even interested in him, I didn't even care for him... But he made me fall in love with him. He met an independent, strong willed woman, and turned her into a fucking mess. He is only a piece of history now. We haven't spoken since May of 2013. And it will always stay that way. I love Ian, but I don't think He'll only want that.

i broke things off with Jill last night, she's a slut. Lets just say the past 48 hours have been pretty bad. Mom asked Bruce and I to get her a gallon of wine, so when she came home from work she could get plastered like always. Well we never picked it up for her. She came home and flipped. All over a gallon of wine. This morning was horrible, she got physical with me over a gallon of wine. She turned into Rick. I am alone, it is obvious, I have no one or anything. Everything I've ever known is so far away from me, that the only way I can remember what it feels like is to watch old family movies. This divorce ruined my life. I miss my grammy, I wonder what she'd do if I went to her about this, she'd always help me out. I'm so lost, I think I need to run away again. That seems to help. Why would my own mother do this to me? She sees what Rick has done, and all of the damage he has caused. So she does the same exact thing. I can feel I'm close to walking away from everyone and giving up. How am I supposed to go on like this? There is no help for mom. She won't live this life for much longer, her body will shut down pretty soon; she's already given up on me, its obvious. Everyone always have. I used to think she's all I had, she was my everything. She just made it pretty obvious today that she doesn't care about me. Her whole life revolves around booz, and getting wasted. I'm done. Alcohol has damaged my life, it has always been the factor for fucking everything up. Here we go, the beginning of another emotional break down.

Where do I ever go wrong with picking out people I want to be in my life? I try so hard to get Bruce motivated, yet I seem to fail time after time. Is golf really that important that you it needs to come before looking for jobs? I just don't see him trying that hard. Poppy always said, when your dating a guy, look at their father, majority of the time they turn out the same. Well once again that man was right. I look at Bruce's father, who is doing absolutely nothing with his life and wants his kids to do everything for him, which is absolute bull crap. Bruce golfs all the time, my mother and I do everything for him. Tonight my mother said some things that really opened my eyes; if his father is doing nothing now, and Bruce is doing nothing now, what is really going to change any of that?? I don't see anything. Dad always said that you can't change people, no matter how hard you want to try, you just can't do it. Well another person was right... I feel like I'm doing all of this alone, and I am so afraid, but I just need to keep going on, and be strong about it all. Mom doesn't even want to help herself, Bruce makes promises and breaks them. Bruce told me he'd help me with Gram, but unfortunately thats another thing I don't see happening. So I just go on about my days, moving on by myself. I don't see Gram in my dreams anymore, maybe she's giving me a sign. I miss her voice so much, I am just trying to realize that I won't be hearing it anymore. In a month, it will be a year. 1 year since I've seen my best friend. 1 year since I hugged her last. But moving on is something I need to do, and I think I am doing an OK job. I just wish I could talk to her about all of this, and maybe get some advice. How am I supposed to get Bruce motivated, when he isn't motivating himself? I am just so sick of him golfing all the time and complaining that he is sore, I am so sick of him coming back to my mother's and leaving messes, expecting us to cook him food and just going to bed. I need to get away for awhile.. I need something more.

As i took the dog out this morning, alot of things came to mind and everything made sense. What is respect? We pay thousands and thousands of dollars for our kids to have a good education and learn all the qualities of life. Now thats bull shit. I never learned respect from sitting in a classroom where I had to raise my hand before going to the bathroom or else I'd go in my pants. I learned respect from the people that raised me. Lets go off track for a little bit here... Last night I had a little argument with my mother about a horrible past my family went through. Even though she doesn't remember anything at all, she likes to make up things to how she imagined it happening. I was sober, she was not, I remember everything, she does not. I respected my mother with every aspect. And because of the people that raised me, I do not treat my elders like dirt, as for majority of my generation. So I go back to the last time I remember my mother was actually, hmm.. sane? I was 12 years old, if that, and she had a big time job, the drinking started getting heavy then. Alot of things started changing, as for example, the arguing was getting worse. Any who... 8 years later, she has lost her mind. After listening to her bull shit lie about "she thinks" is true and what really is the truth, I couldn't really handling listening to her say "well I wasn't involved with what happened" so I walked away. She followed up with saying "atleast I was responsible enough to graduate high school so fuck you". I smacked her across the face. My mother obviously doesn't know what respect is. First off, what the hell are you talking about? You weren't involved your 15 and 12 year old daughter getting in fist fights with your husband? Secondly, Who says fuck you to their own daughter? Thirdly, where does high school come into play? See what I mean about insanity? So back to respect... My best friend raised me, and did one hell of a great job. Grammy was the light in my life, and she knew it. I was her baby, and I loved that. If there was anything at all I learned about life and how to do anything in my life, its because of her. Like I said already, Mom had a big job so dumping me off at Gram's wasn't really the kind of relationship I had hoped my mother and I would've had. I loved going to Grammy and Poppy's, sure Gram would spoil us here and there, but that was when we were good. I don't really remember my sister or I getting yelled at or punished by Gram or Pop. Maybe it was because they taught us the meaning of respect. Ahh, that word again, respect. So here we go, the ending as to what I have to say... Every child is brought up differently, take my generation for example. Not alot of "good kids" are left these days, just alot of troubled and confused teens. Blame the ones that raised them. There's not much that I blame my mother for, I do blame her for not being around though, and never seeming to care but I can't change any of that now. I do not respect my mother anymore, I can't remember the last time I did, maybe when I was 12 years old. I just tolerate her. I respect her belongings, but I do not respect her actions. I can thank her treating me like shit my whole life for not respecting her anymore.

I guess this is it... I want grammy to know that I love her dearly, and I will miss her so incredibily much every single day. But I think it is time to start moving on. I have felt for so long that I can't, and that I don't want to.. I have been so irritated with people telling me that I need to move on and understand that life goes on, but how do I go on with my life while knowing that the one person that taught me about life and everything I do on a daily basis, is gone? How will I live my life without you?! Will I ever be happy like I was, without you? So this is it Gram, I love you, I will always love you. No one will EVER take your place, and no one will ever come close to your love. But it is time for me to change. Just come visit me sometime.

i am waiting for lauren to come over so we can pick up harley from grandma's. grandpa has cancer, prostate and there's a mass on his nose. we find out more information in a month. he's holding up pretty well. i look at pictures from last summer, and it feels like a totally different life. isn't it funny how just 10 months ago we were telling eachother we loved one another? since you have left i don't really feel the same, i don't look at things like i used to, nothing sounds the same, i don't feel love like i used to. August 9th of 2010, your spirit was carried away from me, yet your memory still lingers with me when i blink, when i look at the dark sky at night, and when i dream, you are everywhere i go. people say the worst is over, yet i don't think so because i need to live the rest of my life without you. we had a stronger bond than most grandparents do with their grandchildren, we were best friends. there's a hole in my heart in the shape of you. i will always want what i cannot hold, you. i miss your beautiful face, your amazing laugh, the way you used to say my name, and mostly your love. i only wish to be 1/3 of the person you were. i will miss you more than anyone will ever understand. i can only hope that one day we will be together again, i will always look for you under the stars my friend. i love you, i'll always be your baby.

It still feels like yesterday that you left, but eternity since I last heard your voice. I got a chilling phone call that will stay with me forever from my mother. She called me and told me Grammy had atleast 2 weeks left to live. How do you get off of the phone and face that? How does it process in my brain? It doesn't. I flew home for a few days, Gram was weak, but strong enough to stick around to tell me she loved me. We all knew that she didn't think this was it. I spent everyday, as much time as I could with her. The day came when I needed to fly back to Florida. I knew just by the way my stomach wasn't agreeing with me that I shouldn't have left. But I did. Pop was driving, Grammy was in the front seat, I was in the back with Mom. I took my last picture with Grammy, and its one of the most beautiful pictures right next to the day I was born and Grammy is holding me. I got out of the car and hugged Grammy, knowing this was the last time I would ever hug my best friend again. I told her I'd always be her baby and she said the same. I told her I loved her more than anything and we both cried as I held her in that passengers seat. I walked into the airport with Mom, crying. Poppy stayed with Grammy in the car parked on the curb. As I grabbed my ticket and was about to go upstairs and go through security, I turned around and all I saw was Grammy crying in the car, she didn't see me, she probably thought I had already left. Something came over me, all I could think about was "is this really it? is this how I am going to say goodbye to her? I can't do this" then my mind went blank, I needed her, my love craved for hers, I could feel my body go numb from all the pain my breaking heart was causing. I ran to her. She didn't even see me coming, I startled her when I opened her door. My arms flew around her, I held her so tight to me that there wasn't room to breathe. We both break down, in the mist of my cry for her I could hear Poppy crying in the backgroud, the sound was so fant that at first I thought it was just her and I. I told her that she'd always be my best friend, that I'd make her proud of me, and shortly enough I will come home to her. And then I left. I couldn't bare to look back, knowing that she was watching me walk in to the airport, watching her baby leave her forever, watch me walk away from her, watch me give up. A week passed when I finally got the phone call, telling me that Grammy was going on morphine, and she only had days. It was a rainy Thursday, I went to work early, but didn't punch in. I called Mom's house, but there was no answer, so I called Grammy's, hoping to hear that beautiful voice say Hello. Aunt Kathy answered the phone, and then I found out that I won't be hearing that beautiful voice anymore. "Would you like to talk to Grammy Nei? She won't be able to talk, but I'll put you on speaker phone so that she can hear you". I told her I loved her and that I was coming home to be with her, and to stay strong. I tried so hard to not fall apart on the phone with her but I couldn't resist. Aunt Kathy got back on the phone and told me that she was booking a ticket for me and I'd be home in a couple days for the funeral. It was a Monday morning, I didn't sleep at all the night prior, and I worked all weekend. I figured I was flying home for a week, little did I know, a week was nothing compared to how long I was really home. The trip home felt like forever, I made time go by a little faster by talking to a few people on the plane. When I saw Mom at the airport, I asked her a million questions, what should I say? do? Who's at Grammy's? what's going on? I got to Gram's and Uncle Pete was there along with Jimmy and Aunt Kathy. I hadn't ate in days, yet I was so nervous to see her, I could feel vomit in my throat. I walked in to her room, not expecting what I saw, I had to take a deep breath. Uncle Pete and Pop walked in with Mom and I. They both said "Your buddy is here, Lynnae is here". I saw my best friend lying there, in her bed, the bed that we both used to nap in, where I used to sleep when I was sick and I stayed at her house, I saw my Grammy lying there, dying before my eyes. I went up to her to give her a hug, and told her I was home, and I wasn't leaving her, I told her I missed her, and then I could hear a little whisper, "missed you". I knew she could hear me. That Friday was Mom's birthday, a day that will stay with me until the moment my heart stops beating. Majority of the family was at Pop's, having dinner and celebrating Mom's birthday. As the night was ending, we all went in Grammy's room to talk to her, we could see by the look on her face that she was getting irritated with us, so we all said goodnight to her. I was left in the room with Aunt Kathy and Uncle Jimbo. I went up to her, sat next to her on her bed and hugged her, and said to her "Grammy I love you so much, I'll always be your baby" and then God gave me faith, Grammy shook her head to say No, and then I said to her "No? I'm not your baby?" and then God gave me hope, I heard that beautiful voice I've been wanting to hear say to me, "yes you are". I could not believe my ears. All I could do was hug her, I felt like greatest person in the world. So I ran into the living room and into my mother's arms and I immediately needed to tell her. Shortly after that Grammy had left. Everything I knew about love and hope and faith had left me too. I felt my world just come to an end. Even though I know she won't be there to give me advice, or answer the phone when I call, I won't be able to get anymore kisses from her, I know that she is still her, and not just her memory, but she is with me wherever I go. I see her when I sleep, I get to tell her I miss her, and love her, majority of the time she doesn't say the same back, I know she does though. She is my angel, my guardian angel, she is the light in my life, she is the heat from the sun, she hugs me when I feel the wind on my skin, she is everywhere I turn, when I blink, I see that beautiful face I've always grown up to see and grown so immune to seeing all the time. Her laugh lingers with me, I hear her call me her baby when I'm feeling lonely. She is my best friend, and always will be. She is that warm, comfortable, amazing feeling that I get. I miss her terribly, but her love is always with me, and I know that's what matters the most.

so this feels like jail. i really think andrew has officially turned into my father. he's so spiteful and he always takes things away from me. i talked to grammy on monday. i asked her if she is giving up and she said no. but thats not what i've been hearing from mom and laur. she doesn't get out of bed some days. she doesn't get dressed. she is not the same. i can not stress that enough. it bothers me everyday, and andrew doesn't understand, he never will. he has never experienced something as close as i have. he just told me this is not going to work if he don't have sex. well, okay. so here we go. back to new york i go, maybe i'll ask for forgiveness from god before i leave. i don't want to have sex anymore. andrew is wait to irresponsible for me to have sex with. its just not enjoying anymore just thinking about getting pregnant, and what would happen if something went wrong. i want to go back to a time when nothing mattered, when mom & dad didn't fight all the time. when i didn't cry all the time, my family was actually happy and i didn't witness dad hitting laur or throwing moms comforter out the window in the middle of january. last night andrew and i got in an argument and he ended up grabbing me. he threw a pillow in my face and the only that flashed through my mind at the moment was dad chocking lauren. the pain and the shock that i was in that night haunts me to do this day and andrew brought that out last night, it kills me after all of what andrew and i have been through, he'd still do something so outraging. today was a good day at work. kevin asked about grammy. i cried. i couldn't even get one word out without crying. he gave me a hug and asked if i was alright. i told him its not good. i pray to god that the lord has her in good hands now. even though i want her with me by my side forever, i will miss her smile, her laugh, and her in general. i want to stop hurting, i want to be able to be happy again, and know that she is okay, and she can still hear me. even though she is not completely gone yet, i feel like she is a stranger, heartbreaking to say and i'll probably go to hell for saying it let alone thinking it, i just can't imagine another way around this.

today is poppy's 80th. i can't believe he's 80. hes an amazing person. today, the whole family was at aunt kathys. Grammy went home early. her excuse was she was tired. so, god, let me ask you one question. did you really take her away from me? it feels like i have really lost her. there is a sharp pain inside, it hurts alot. it never goes away. its called lonliness. everything i know now is because of her and i

wherever you have gone, whatever happen to you, i miss you. i don't like the feeling of being alone. i have been alone alot latly. i don't feel like myself anymore. you used to make me laugh, like no one else could. you gave me love, like no one else would. you had a beautiful smile, like no one else does. You never asked me if i wanted to come with you. i never even got a warning that you were leaving. well, maybe i did. i was just scared of losing you. i cry everday. will i ever see you again? plays through my mind. your wise words always made me see the light, now i'm in a pit, and i need your light. everyone is changing, i can't take it anymore. i don't know who anyone else is anymore. i'm not who i am, because your not around. i see you in my dreams, i hear your laughter, i see your smile, i feel your soft skinned-hands, i can hear your voice, i recognize your smell. it all seems so real. then i wake up, your not there, you won't be. if god gave me faith, then maybe i could believe that you can come back. but thats impossible. You have cancer Gram, the chemo ruined your body, ruined the person living in that body. I'll stand by yourside everyday, but until the day that comes where i can see you again, i'll never leave, and i'll always miss you. i love you. come back.

its 7:59 am, can't sleep. i think its more of the fact that i don't want to sleep. i dreamt of you last night. it was about what i heard the other day. a girl that had been best friends with you told me something i don't really want to believe, but i have no choice. "yeah hes terrible with relationships, hes dating someone new every week" i don't think she really knew it was going to bother me, but what the hell. does it really matter anymore? it was like the world was coming to an end, and i finally reunited with my family. we went back amsterdam, i went to your house to talk to you, and all of these girls were there so i didn't get to say much, you didn't really recognize me. so i got sick of being in the shadows and pulled you aside and i said something i should have said along time ago... "if you want to be with all of these girls every other week, thats okay, be confused and a mess for the rest of your life. but if you want to be happy and actually know where you stand with someone, if you want to come home and know that you'll be loved forever, and argue with them, kick and scream, and never go to bed mad, then you come to me. Because i'll never break you, i'll never leave you. unless its time for me to move on, i'll be here. but don't keep me waiting" i walked off. And you didn't follow. everything in that dream felt like it was supposed to happen in real life. i know one day i'll finally come to my senses and tell him. in the meantime, i'll just stay in shadows. i'm just scared of him telling me that i don't mean anything to him, and i never will. then, how am i supposed to regret everything? for now, i just want the pain to go away. even though so much is going on right now, i just want to forget about everything. whether or not i should go back to new york, that mess, or stay here and keep starting my life over. i miss my grammy, the old grammy. dear god, will i ever see her again?

keith &i have been together for awhile now. we live together, in my fathers house, with christina. when we were up in New York, Keith &i would never fight. living with him now, i see the real him. he's not the person i started dating months ago. he doesn't do anything. hes lazy. he doesn't work. he had a job @ casabellas, he acted like he worked. Christina came home &told me how he did nothing. i work all the time. so that means i'm tired. &since keith &i ever started having sex- he's obsessed with it. i'm not. we fight all the time. he gets mad @me constantly. 24/7. chris thinks i'm wipped. i don't think so. he used to make me happy all the time. now i'm thinking what michelle said is true. he has a terrible temper. when he gets mad he calls me heartless, &selfish, &immature. those are things girls usually don't like hearing. i'm pretty sure i don't. i miss my mom. i miss lauren. i miss my home. june 15th i am going home. only for a few days. just to see the family. this is something i have to do. keith gets pissed off everytime i bring it up. he doesn't trust me @all. he thinks i'm going up to new york &staying up there. personally, fuck him. its my life. its my family. family will always come first for me. why? because they have ALWAYS been there for me. i really miss my mom i miss waking up on thursday nights with her &watching sopranos til 2am. &then we'd talk for hours. summertime is coming around &i can just picture her sitting out by the cabana watching tv; or gardening with mulch on her knees and her dirty sneakers, her hair is a mess, and her face is soaked from swet. but somehow, she still looks beautiful. i never wanted to leave you please understand that. i love you & i will always love you. i want to be with you so bad. but we both know that is not happening. we would go golfing right before the sun would go down. &then go to the clubhouse for dinner. i listen to meatloaf now, &its not the same. the words don't mean as much as when we would listen to it. it doesn't make me smile anymore, it makes me cry.

well its true, i started a new life, i moved to florida with christina. i love it. keith is leaving soon, actually in a couple minutes. hes driving so he will be down here tomorrow. right now im working, tired as hell. so i started a new life. new job boyfriend best friend. i dont talk to mom anymore. after calling the cops on me to get me out of the house, ive decided to not talk to her. a couple days ago i had the worlds greatest boyfriend, he was perfect. now he could be a rapist. i found out the hard way. his ex called me and told me everything. he lied about so much. he lied about everything. and i gave him a second chance. how stupid can i be? ill never learn

i feel so alone about everything. inside and out. i shut people out, they would never understand. no one really sees me for me. i think I took my parents divorce a little harder than people expected. well aint that a shame. i hate who i am now. i turned a serious alcholic so long ago that my body doesnt function right anymore. but i had no other way o forget about the pain. i think when I found out my dad was moving and when he finally did i totally shut down. but last summer he moved to florida. and it kills me everyday. and with this whole zak thing, idk what to think anymore. i want to be mad but then again i dont. i yhink somewhere in my head i think he's coming back but I know hes not. yet theres awhole other picturr to paint. while im mourning the loss of zachary, ive recently met this great guy. keith. hes absolutly perfect. im living in guilt, because i love zachary but I want to be with keith. i mean yeah i like him but I feel like we are moving way too fast. he calls me about 8 times a day telling me he misses me and shit. idk I think I should just ask him for a little space before this whole thing ends. by the way, still nothing from zak. its obvious its over and he wants nothing to do with me. i think if i see him in the future ill act like a stranger.

well its been awhile, almost a year. todd &angie finally broke up. he came back. i thought i still loved him but i didn't. last may i got a DWI with my best friends car. i used to party all the time. but i can't anymore. its getting old. over the summer i met this great guy, zak shaw. he was great, his family knew my family. we were the perfect italian couple. it all came to an end though. too soon. he was practically the best thing that ever happened to me. the night he broke up with me, it was raining, i got out of his truck, &as he pulled away, i fell in the grass &cried there for a half hour. i finally had to pick myself up &go inside. i left my mother a note, asking her to leave me alone for a couple days. i cried myself to sleep that night. my mom came in my room, after seeing the note. she didn't bother to ask, she just held me as i cried. she already knew. i could barely pick myself up in the morning. somedays i laid in bed for hours, sometimes all day. i was totally heartbroken. its been 4 months, since that night. &i think about him everyday, begging for him to come back. but he won't. i called him on holidays, no response. i text him a couple days ago, i told him i wanted to see him in person, to end everything, so i can move on. he said yeah. so this weekend, we are supposed to meet up. but he has yet to let me know whats going on. i think its bull shit. i did nothing wrong. i want to let him go so bad, but i can't. i don't know why.

todd and i broke up early last summer. somethings aren't forever. actually, everything isnt. since then, i have dated Eric and Rob. Eric was the best to me. Rob was just a mistake. Michael and i aren't friends. we will never be again. same with Jeff. my cousin Christopher is a good kid, we don't even look at eachother anymore. i have other friends. Krystle, Kla, Angie, Jill and others. i drink and smoke. its terrible but its something to ease the pain. we're all addicted to something to ease the pain. my sweet 16 is coming. my parents are officially getting divorced. i have turned into my mother. and my sister is not herself anymore. she will never be again. she is looking forward to florida and i look forward to the bottom of the beer bottle. my friend angie is going out with todd. he's different. i am different. reading all those entries, it brings back memories, but it brings back the side of me i wish to never see again. i spend my time wisely, getting wasted with the ones i love, and making new friends by the bowl. my sister is everything to me. due to no boyfriend. i must attend to her lovely face. let the boy come to me. not run to him.

sitting here... by brent.. doing nothing.. SICK and just got back from New York City... Todd and i have been going out for 4 months and 1 week and 2 days =) i love him

tomorro is school oh yay! i love you

going to bed. just got fuckin yelled at today for nothing. saw the skeleton key. now that movie sucked! everyone said it was supposed to be scary...yeah right! well as long as i was with my baby i was happy. AMANDA AND THOR ARE GOING OUT! amanda spent the night last night and we talked to thor and billy. I GOT THOR AND AMANDA TO GO OUT! YES!!! well i am sooooooooooo tired. going to bed. i love you sooooooooooo much todd!!!

Friday night went to go see the Island...now that movie completly SUCKED but I had fun with Todd. Brad, Garrett,Todd,Bryan,and Bryan's stepbrother all went and we had a fun time. Thor and Bryan sat by themselves. I sat by Todd. Bryan Parks-Noels ex, was throwing popcorn at me and so was Jeff. I got pissed and gave them a piece of my mind in the parking lot :-D. Last night I went to the movies with Noel and we saw the Dukes of Hazzard. Me n Todd should go see it. its in theatre 1!!! me and Noel sat in the big comfy seats. earlier that day i went to the lake and we had some fun! Lauren just had to come! ughh and she drove. I got her back though :-D. I love my Todd very much :-* your everything to me hunn...