its 7:59 am, can't sleep.

i think its more of the fact that i don't want to sleep.

i dreamt of you last night. it was about what i heard the other day.

a girl that had been best friends with you told me something i don't really want to believe, but i have no choice.

"yeah hes terrible with relationships, hes dating someone new every week"

i don't think she really knew it was going to bother me, but what the hell. does it really matter anymore?

it was like the world was coming to an end, and i finally reunited with my family. we went back amsterdam, i went to your house to talk to you, and all of these girls were there so i didn't get to say much, you didn't really recognize me. so i got sick of being in the shadows and pulled you aside and i said something i should have said along time ago...

"if you want to be with all of these girls every other week, thats okay, be confused and a mess for the rest of your life. but if you want to be happy and actually know where you stand with someone, if you want to come home and know that you'll be loved forever, and argue with them, kick and scream, and never go to bed mad, then you come to me. Because i'll never break you, i'll never leave you. unless its time for me to move on, i'll be here. but don't keep me waiting"

i walked off. And you didn't follow.

everything in that dream felt like it was supposed to happen in real life.

i know one day i'll finally come to my senses and tell him. in the meantime, i'll just stay in shadows.

i'm just scared of him telling me that i don't mean anything to him, and i never will.

then, how am i supposed to regret everything?

for now, i just want the pain to go away. even though so much is going on right now, i just want to forget about everything. whether or not i should go back to new york, that mess, or stay here and keep starting my life over. i miss my grammy, the old grammy.

dear god, will i ever see her again?