so this feels like jail. i really think andrew has officially turned into my father. he's so spiteful and he always takes things away from me.

i talked to grammy on monday. i asked her if she is giving up and she said no. but thats not what i've been hearing from mom and laur. she doesn't get out of bed some days. she doesn't get dressed. she is not the same. i can not stress that enough. it bothers me everyday, and andrew doesn't understand, he never will.

he has never experienced something as close as i have.

he just told me this is not going to work if he don't have sex.

well, okay.

so here we go.

back to new york i go, maybe i'll ask for forgiveness from god before i leave.

i don't want to have sex anymore. andrew is wait to irresponsible for me to have sex with. its just not enjoying anymore just thinking about getting pregnant, and what would happen if something went wrong.

i want to go back to a time when nothing mattered, when mom & dad didn't fight all the time.

when i didn't cry all the time, my family was actually happy and i didn't witness dad hitting laur or throwing moms comforter out the window in the middle of january.

last night andrew and i got in an argument and he ended up grabbing me.

he threw a pillow in my face and the only that flashed through my mind at the moment was dad chocking lauren.

the pain and the shock that i was in that night haunts me to do this day and andrew brought that out last night, it kills me after all of what andrew and i have been through, he'd still do something so outraging.

today was a good day at work.

kevin asked about grammy.

i cried. i couldn't even get one word out without crying. he gave me a hug and asked if i was alright.

i told him its not good.

i pray to god that the lord has her in good hands now.

even though i want her with me by my side forever, i will miss her smile, her laugh, and her in general.

i want to stop hurting, i want to be able to be happy again, and know that she is okay, and she can still hear me.

even though she is not completely gone yet, i feel like she is a stranger, heartbreaking to say and i'll probably go to hell for saying it let alone thinking it, i just can't imagine another way around this.