im ready to start over. i never want to look back on this. im probably going to make a new diary... today was actually a good day. i went shopping with a friend and i got some new clothes and stuff, which im really happy with. sweaters...oh god i love sweaters. but as i was saying, i made a new diary so this is going to be the last post on here. grlbrushedred thats the new one...please add me. jen

i guess nothing will never be the same now, close friends are far now. its more of a time to walk forward and not backwards, im gonna forget about this, cuz everything right now is fucked up. right now, my piano is my best friend. seriously. plus all you guyz who help me out on here, telling me what i should do, i really apreciate it. alot. my throat hurts from smoking and crying so much, i think im gonna go to bed its like 2298374928374 million degrees in my house, ugh. good night

my close friends hate me now. fucking great. all becuz of the whole deal with him. long story short for you people who dont know whats going on: went out with best friends ex, best friend hates me, turns my friends against me, bf leaves me, and then im fucked. i can offcially say, my life sucks. im ready to just fucking die. my aunt comes tomorrow, what a great fucking thing, she can sit there and judge me like always. i bet ill be even more happy. tonight i seem to enjoy the word fuck. i can use it in many ways. fuck my life. fuck toni. fuck gatlin. fuck cassie. fuck school. this fucking sucks.

he broke it. in millions of pieces. it didnt take him much either, just a few words, on text message. He texted me during class, and the next thing i knew, i was crying and everybody was trying to get me to cheer up. but i couldnt. i told you how my friend hates me becuz i went out with her ex. well last night, he went over to his house, and the next day, he broke up with me. so i know that something happened that night, and it just turns my stomach upside down. i saw her this morniing too. she works at quik trip, and i go there almost every morning for coffee and food. well, she just had to be working there today. as soon as i walked in, and her, my stomach wanted to go back, it felt like it was still in the car. i walked by as fast as i could and grabbed what i needed. she works at the cash register. thank god she called for help before i got to her, and i walked over to the other one. left, and not one word passed our mouths. we dont stand a chance of recovery. nobody understands, they all say, there are more out there, but right now, they are not with me are they? i want him, i just want him. i have wanted many people, but this one..is different. in many ways that are undescribable. my love life is something i dont think i want to get involved in for a while now. maybe i will just do what i use too. dont date but do whatever the fuck you want. my heart was never broken that way, it was just lonely, but thats better than this. MUCH better. ive decided, school is my number one prioritie right now, im gonna try my hardest to bring up all my grades. i quit smoking pot, for all of you who didnt know. but no, i cannot quit cigarettes, but i will one day. ONE day. im cleaning up the house before my aunt gets here from canada, i have missed her. i havent seen her in years, i havent seen any family in years. to see a familiar face will be quite warming. i guess this is it, for him. he cannot be in my life. and he better not come running back to me, it will never be the same.

the only thing i can imagine right now, is the pain in my tears. I had never imagined breaking his heart, i could never. and i didnt. but there is a feeling in the back of my gut, telling me, hes is gonna break my heart, in many pieces. he called me, and said he was confused. he had been talking to his ex, (his ex and my ex best friend) He said he doesnt want to hurt me, but i can tell, thats whats gonna happen. he is gonna leave me for her. all i want to say to her is, are you happy now? you got what you wanted, and thats all that matters. i think ill just die now. fuck, how could i have got into this one boy, he wasnt like any other boy i had ever dated. My throat hurts, just thinking about it. tomorrow my eyes are gonna be very red and puffy, but i wont tell anybody. they dont need to know, i wish i didnt even know. all boys in my life just turn into heart break. all them emo boys, that wear their clothes and are attractive in every single way, just like him, are heartbreakers. I couldnt look at him without having a smile on my face, and thats hard for me to find. i wouldve done almost anything for him, almost anything. how pathetic am i? the only thing in my life that i can enjoy now, is writing. i couldnt imagine leaving this place, you guyz leave good thoughts, and opinions. tell me what i should do. please tell me what i should do i cant just sit here, and sulk and cry and die. or can i, i could until every once of the feelings are drained away and i could just be emotionless. right now, he is going to see her. fucking wonderful. i sacrificed my relationship with a friend for him, and he goes running back to her. damnit, just fucking kill me now. i cant do this right now, i can think of only one thing to cheer me up right now. a cigarette.

So the girl that is mad at me, because im dating her ex, shouldnt be mad any longer. she was making him feel bad, by telling him she never dated anybody and still had feelings for him. Thats not fucking true, right before i went on a date with him, she was dating the guy with 20 piercings. And she said she never would do anything like that to him, well, she dated his best friend, which is also my brother. all she is doing is causing drama i wish she could just be happy for us

Im constantly getting in trouble this weekend. woahdang. i had to get my stupid progress report in school, and of course my parents freaked out. my highest grade was a B, but the rest...were D's and F's. Yeah they are pissed. i hope they let me see him today, but i have a feeling they arent gonna let me do anything. I wish i was 18, then i can move out, and do what i wish. but until then, looks like ill be raising my grades, and not sneaking out. damnit. ugh well i just scrubbed the kitchen, so i feel gross and ew. so i think im gonna jump in the shower and stuff, ill write in here later though xo jennifer ox

so im with him. i dont want to lose him. EVER. my dad isnt very excited that hes 18 and im only 15. he will get over it. but my dad wasnt to happy when he saw my neck, damnit. does anybody know how to cover them up really well?? that would help alot...haha, i only have foundation, and its not really working. damnit. i was out past curfew with him also, so my dad is making me clean as a punishment, and now my curfew is 12...oh well. mmmm food, so im gonna eat, maybe ill write in here later. amazing he is. <3

Shes Hates Me. She never wants to talk to me ever again. She told me, with her words "Everything will never be the same now, we cannot be friends." Her words are deadly weapons. then she hung up, not another word i had heard from her. The only thing i remember after that was crying, losing all my breath. I never meant to hurt anybody. Whats the big deal? Its her ex, yes i know, but...shes not with him anymore, and she hasnt been for months and months. Shes always talking about guyz she likes, every day its a new guy in her life. her running out and having sex all the time. I cried so much last night, i thought nothing could bring me up. He came over to my house though, and we hung out for a couple of hours, outside and just sat and talked, about everything. and it was the best night ever. how could a night be so horrible but be so great? I think i should stay with him, since she said that even if i left him, it doesnt change anything. There is nothing i can do there, but choose the path that is leading me to where i can be happiest at this moment. Everytime i look at him, i smile, and his eyes are something that makes me have to smile and turn my head away. Just saying his name gives me butterflys in my stomach. the sound of her name though, brings me to tears, of anger, and depression. If i stay with him, i will make matters worse, but i will be with him, if i leave him, she will still be mad at me, and i would lose him. Everything is not what it seems nowadays. No matter what there is going to be heart break. I dont know if i can take another for a long while. Tomorrow im going to panera with him to get some food. great restaurant, you should eat there. I chose the road that is leading me to somewhere i cannot see, but im hoping once i enter, it will be something i will want to remember.

okay, so the guy im dating is my best friends ex boy friend. am i a horrible person? but i cant just leave him, i care for him so much, but i care for her...i dont know what to do -jennifer

Ah, I like him all so much. we went to star bucks and got coffee, which was good, amazing. We both got the same thing, cuz its both of our fav's how insane is that? caramel frappachino, yummm we sat and talked, it was funny. Everytime he looked at me, he would smile and look the other way. we talked about everything, he is amazing. then we went to his house, and went for a walk, a long walk, i got to hold his hand too, which was great. ah im so happy. when he took me home, my mom was outside lol, she was getting her last chance of looking at everything, cuz today, she had to go to the eye docter and they had to blind her, its only temporary, thank god, her eyes are scary looking, they are pretty much all black, aaah, she saw me give him a hug good bye, and i had never told her about him, i was gonna of course. so once he left she was like...whos that? so i told her, all she said was, dont be making me a grand mother!!! i laughed so hard hes in collage, i dont think she is too happy about that, since im a freshman in highschool haha. oh welllll she will get used to it, cuz i really like this boy. well i have to be going, gonna play the piano and probably take a nap. aRRRRRR

i havent been happier. i have found the guy that i want to be with and he wants to be with me. he is different from every other guy i have dated, so im hoping this will work out wonderfully. He wants to see me tomorrow, so he is gonna pick me up after i get out of school, then hes taking me to get some coffee. i guess i will write what happens tomorrow, it will hopefully go good. jennaferrrrrrrr

picture timeeee

look how lazy i am getting at updating this thing, but i mean, you have to admit i still keep up on the comments! last night i snuck out all night and hung out with marcus, i know, i shouldnt really sneak out on a school night, but who gives a shit. i kept getting in trouble in every class i went to today...first in ms baths class for not doing what i was supposed to be doing then in history, which is the funny one, cuz i was siting there laughing and he comes up to me and says "you need to quiet down" i was like, sry my friend made me laugh he was like, "well ill make you cry" and i started laughing so hard when he said that, he got really mad. i couldnt help at laugh at his way of getting me to calm down. hes stupid. then i got in trouble for not sitting in the right seat, then i got in trouble for being tardy and had to serve detention, man why am i gettng in trouble? my back hurts really bad right now, i dont know why, but its hurts horribly. i really want to go to sleep but i have to babysit soon, something that im not looking forward too. ughhhhhhh, stupid boy, he wont even talk to me anymore. i just want him to notice me, but i dont want to see deperate. desperado aint go shit on me. ta ta. for ever.

im gonna have to say that i miss your voice. your over it, i can never be. stop being so quiet around him, make it seem like your over him, so he doesnt think you are obsessed with him. im such a complete idiot. i went to a party last night. a complete waste of time. i hate this weekend. the only good thing about it was friday. i hope i work this week, i need the money. i dont even know if i am working haha. im pretty happy the blood brothers are coming here, i couldnt be more excited. maybe this will be something to cheer me up. that or im gonna die. i won a stuffed animal playing a game, and i tore its eye off. fuck that eye, he doesnt need it. i also pierced his ears, im pretty sure that the stuffed animal is gangster, especially becuz its supposed to be a dog. why am i stuck at home?

I do not love him she told herself again. she always considered herself a liar. i do not lie. the days have been going past really fast, but yet, it seems like its been forever since i have seen your face. this weekend, its time for a getaway. an escape from reality, into a world of blurriness and not whoing i am. if you know what i mean by that. its time. today, i dont think i had a breath of air, i just wanted to breathe in that sweet refreshing air, but yet, today, was a day of bruises and heart aches, and dont forget, school, babysitting, homework, and piano lessons. my life is starting to be depressing again. i finally thought i was starting to be happy, one weekend, i was the happiest girl alive, until monday came, then all i learned is that boys, dont love for very long. that, or i was just being used again. its time for me to be leaving, into a world of strong liquids that make me not know. the only thing ill regret soon, is the next morning, or that night, when im throwing up. good night love. i hope out hearts never meet agian.

i like how im not getting anymore comments :( so my relationships are pretty much all done now. im giving up. why try? i dont even know what to write school tomorrow so i need to go to bed goodnight and farewell i havent decided when ill be writing next.

Im still thinking about you leave me now. I couldnt imagine my life without you. but i guess this is how it feels. of course you wouldnt know how much your breaking me down. my heart is in fragments, and you dont even know it. how am i supposed to tell you this, its not that easy. i hope this is a farewell that i can forget, but so far, it doesnt seem like it. my love doesnt come in words What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who made you cry? I love you not only because of who you are but also because of who I am when I'm with you.

im tired of feelings, you said you liked me, do you still, did i make a mistake, was i just another thing. damnit why does it have to be this way. i freaking care for you to much to ever try and hurt you, but i guess my feelings dont really matter anyway. its all in your goodbyes. haha sry, ive been listening to underoath, and i like to write down lines from some songs sometimes...haha theres a new kid. hes moving around where i live...maybe he could be my friend. he seems pretty cool. ugh, i cant believe i havent been in school for a week, and im already failing, im not the brightest person alive. im gonna start buckling down though, i shouldnt be making another mistake. im gonna try. i gotta make myself try. this is so difficult. i need to change. i shouldnt be this way. later

wow, crazy weekend. remember how i said that this one kid i would never be able to tell him that i like him and wrote a long ass entry about...well this weekend i hung out with him, and when he left he texted me and said that its to bad that we couldnt hang out later...i was like yeah, we will have to do it next weekend or something. and he was like yeah, anything you want to say? and i was like..anything i want to say about what? hes like.. anything, your love life? and i was supposed to have a date that night, but he ditched me so i sad bad, what about you? he said he liked this one girl, i asked who and he said he was embarrased, and i said tell me...he said o, a girl. i sorta like you. and it was probably one of the best nights of my life when he said that. i told him i had feelings too, and he asked me if i wanted to hang out tomorrow, i said yes of course. he called me in the morning and we planned out what to do, he just left not to long ago, but it was great. im a very happy girl right now. very happy. i havent been able to hold his hand, or kiss him or anything, he seems shy to do it or something, but i did get a hug. :) i dont think i could be more happier than i am right now. :)