WARNING: This is really personal and not a little depressing, so if you read it, be ready. If you don't want to, skip to the last paragraph, if you do, go ahead, it's not private. Today was the last time I will ever see my grandma, Helen Barber. She will only live, at most, another three to five days. It hurts so much to say that. We went up there today to say goodbye and everything, but I didn't want to go in at first. She was in her bed in Aunt Maggie's house, and they said she looked horrible, and while she liked that we all came, other than immediate family (kids and grandkids) she didn't want anyone to see her like she was. She hasn't eaten or drank in four days, hasn't been out of bed in two. It's all her choice, she waited till Aunt Maggie and Uncle Jim came back from their rafting trip to stop eating, which was, like I said, four days ago. Mom and Dad saw her, Megan didn't at all, and I went in when everyone was at the beach except for Uncle Jim. He was holding her hand and she was sleeping. I just stood there, I couldn't do anything else. He saw me, nodded, and went back to just looking at her, holding her hand. I started to cry and left. It was really bad to see her like that, when I remember her so differently. She's wasted to nothing; a pale wraith just waiting. At least she's not in pain, Uncle Jim asked and she said no, back when she talked. She doesn't like to now they said - it hurts her throat and lungs. Aunt Wendy and my cousin Gregg were there before she got so bad, like the first day, and all she wanted was for Gregg to play his guitar for her, so he played "Stairway to Heaven" and he and Wendy sang it for her. I don't know what I would have said if she had been awake. The last thing I said, when we left the time before, was "I love you" "bye" "see you soon" etc. What do you say when you know it's the last thing you'll say, and you don't know if she's even listening? I'm really glad no one's home right now, I hate crying in front of people, and right now I've got rivers of tears going down my face, I can barely see the screen anymore. I hate that she has to suffer so much. I don't want her to die, and yet, I want that when she's asleep she just goes...in peace and without pain. Uncle Jim said today it made him sick, that people suffer so much when they die. His example was that when your dog or cat is sick and dying you go to the vet and have them put to sleep - no pain, no suffering, no lingering on when they don't want to. I agree, I don't compare my grandma to a cat, who should be put down, but I hate it that she's basically starving herself to death, because it's the only thing she can do. She can't fight forever, this has no cure, and she knows she's loved and cared for by everyone. She's given away all her money, split between her 4 kids, Aunt Maggie has everything else in her name, until Grandma's will is read or something, I wasn't really paying attention when they were talking about the legal stuff. This is the first time someone close to me is dying. Every other funeral I've been to has been when I was too little to understand, or someone I wasn't close to, like a relative I only saw at family reunions once a year - I was sad, because someone died that I knew, but nothing like this. She's going to be cremated, as was her wish, but I don't know where she will be put - either with her husband, who died when I was 6 and is buried in the cemetary by Burdell Road, or Dad had talked about taking her to Scotland (where she was from) to be buried with family there. I think she should be with Grandpa, he was her husband and we don't know any of the family from Scotland except her brother, who's still alive. I feel better - I don't know if it was finally crying after holding it in all day, or writing it down, so it's off my chest and out of my heart. No, that's wrong, it's still there, and still hurts, nothing could get rid of that, that's not what I meant, I don't know how to say it, other than that I feel better for writing it down. I worked with Kathy today in Glen's - she asked me what I did today and I started tearing up, right there in the checkout. She hugged me and I stopped - Mel thought someone had been rude and mean to us, because she started to cry when I did. Then I had to go out for ice, so I stopped and put it from my mind so I could work, but when I got home it just attacked and I had to write. Sam had a bad week and was talking about it, and she asked about me - when I told her she felt bad for complaining about "stupid" stuff, but it was fine, not her fault today sucked, I'm still here to listen, no matter how trivial someone thinks it is. *Sigh* Sorry if this depressed anyone who read the whole thing, all I can say is, like Kyle said, "forget you read it then." It's my diary and these are my thoughts. Please don't leave stupid comments about something I should have done/said, this is important to me and I don't think I would have changed anything.