2003-06-07 18:46:10 (GMT) Jun. 7 2003 Hi... I'm Danielle/FLERTKILLA well I've had jurnals befor ebut neva on tha net. I'm going 2 warn u now .... I can't spell worth a shit! Anywayz hears how it goes.... I'm 13 and live in a back woods, Bible belt community ... so u know me being bisexual isn't 2 good around where I live! I'm in love ... with 2 different people and they love me 2 (so I'm verry lucky!) lol Adam & me have been 2getha going on 7 months! Me an Ashley have had a few problems before but we are starting 2 get 2 know each otha betta now so were dating again and I'm very happy of that! I've lived a hard fuckin life!... but I'll get into all that anotha day.The only good thing about my shitty life is that it inspired me 2 write. I've intered all types of poetry contest and even won a couple ... so I know I'm good. lol Anymawayz hear is an example of some .... I will add more latta. "Departure" Ashley, has left me alone. Her feelings for me, now all gone. When she laid beside me, asleep, Her expectation's, I knew, I could never meet. Now I feel so horribly, ashamed, for this pain, refuses to stray. "Love's Hate" I love you, when there is no love, left to give. I miss you, even when I'm with you, it makes me cringe! I love you, so why am I out plotting, plotting my sweet revenge? I loth you, when you look at me, and don't care to touch. I hate you, because I love you, too damn much! 'Ashley' Ashley's eyes gaze upon me. From that comfort I do seek. When I hear her speak my name, I feel her lips grays my cheek. No greater beauty in this world, in life or death shall I meet. I cry at night and hope she knows, that it is her love I long to keep. Her soul speaks right to me, for without her I feel so bleak. I cringe to know that she can lay, without me in bed and sleep. Although I droned in pools of tears, my love for her I dare not speak. Her beauty kills me day by day, as lion's kill the week. 'Night Fall' Beauty blends, as the night descends. The wraith has taken hold. Motherless in this world, fatherless in my soul. I cry for her lushes kiss, as I die in Ashley's world. So scared I am, fear pores from my wounds. Subdues me I beg the goddess, that taunts me in my dreams. Her name I cry take me, let me feel what is now you, hold on to me, please don't let go. I lye with you, and pray to feel your warmth. Death consumes me, as night becomes day. Take my hand, please lead my way. Will you need me in your life? I love you, and hope it's fate. Lost I am without my lighter. So please hold my hand! I love you with all my hart and soul, though I die, I hope you know! "Unforgivin" Scared, I cannot catch my breath, with him in mind. Scared, I can't move, I'm dyeing inside. Lost, In this dream. I can't break through. Lost, so far gone, no simple cure will do. unforgivin, she says it's my fault, what happened to me. Unforgivin, I beg my mind, please leave me be! "Deprived" Drive me up the walls. When I sleep I see his face. It comes to me like times before, when I was too young to run away. Afraid, I lye in bed and cry. I know he'll come back soon. But It's not him that hold's me down. I can look past that and be OK. It's the one that knew and never told, how her child was raped by the night. I just wish these thoughts would leave my mind, For, Justus I will never fully receive! Yes, I should have told, what she'll never tell. With this thought, I'm deprived of sleep. "Lost" Lost without you, hear am I. Lost and longing for the dead. You killed our love, it's clear to see. You lied, you loved, it seems to me. I do not cry, for all those times, I've told you, and you've told me, lies. I've cried for when you've left me be. I've longed for you to think of me. You've tried, to take me back. But this time, fear, I seem to lack! I've longed for you, and I'm lost without, your love, I hope, to no longer doubt. "Meagan's Plea" Below she screams her plea. Her secret, no longer safe with me. Her heart, blazed with desire. She skims the night for death. Towering in the sky, her empire lies far from eye. Golden locks fall down her back. Her castle contains, but a single crack. The skies turn black, with hate. Her blood, now red with lust. It taste so good, she feels the pain, which came from mothers love. In her hand, she takes the sword, which slay her love before. Her mind is gone, pain left alone. She takes her life with glee. "Adam 2" Beauty, Is all I see, when I look into your eyes. Pleasure, rushes through me, as you squeeze, my inner this! My eyes roll back. I taste your kiss. A love like this, I'd never miss! Never give up a chance, to live in such bliss! Touch me again, I beg you, love! Deeper you push, and I rise above! You come inside me. I feel the rush! I'll never love again! No, not ever, this much! -Holla- FLERTKILLA 2003-06-12 07:45:49 (GMT) My life sux! I'm going to put some new poems in hear today. But does it realy matter? I'm in one of thoes I feel fuckin horrable moods! I wish i could find a way to end it all! Like I wrote in one of my poems "I don't wana live." "I don't wana die" that's kinda how I feel right about now. I wana just throw my finger in the air and say fuck tha world and all it's bull shit and just leave! What tha hell am I talking about? Where tha fuck would I go? I'm gona be stuck in this hell hole until I find my own way out. I don't wana dissapoint the people that love me.(Well that's not many but u get my point). "Suffocated" Suffocated, in my life. I've gave all there is to give. Which way did I turn? Which road shall I take? Is the darkness hear, or gone? Unscramble, my mind, if you wish to have me, to love. Solve my mysteries, and feel in my blanks. Just a simple hug, or kiss, and my brick wall, shall shake "Last Night" Blood?rushed from me. He stole my pride last night. The sheets all red. I felt such pain. Is that why, no longer, am I sane? To say he's wrong, for what he did, is that an, understatement, in the end? All I know, is that I cried last night. My mother doesn't care, that inside, I died, last night. "Lost" Lost in his eyes, I've found the light, and strayed, to the darkness again. Lost in his kiss, I taste the blood. His screams, no use to me. I'm lost in the night. I've found my love. ? "To Me" Bound up, I have no where to turn. My bodies, broken and unused. I've longed for love. I've longed for you. You made my dreams, come true. Your all I'll ever have, or need. You take the pain away. To thank you again, for what it's worth, your all there is to me. "Adam # 3" Shivering, inside of you, yet your skin, keeps me warm. Your hart, I hold in my hands, it beats a thousand times, per minute, as I kiss your lips. Those lips, I taste, are red and sweet. I feel no pain, for you've saved me, long ago. Shivering, inside of you, I wept, last night. You were there to kiss, my tears, away from me, I thanked you so. Your love is warm. Don't let me go. "Turned Frown" Stretched and pulled, I lye hear dead, and all my dreams, of you. I've plunged, into the darkness. My sprit chased me down. I love you, whispered into my ear, has turned my smile, to frown. "Burning" Burning in hell, I am today. Hear the screams, of others, I do but no one is louder, than you. Why have you left? I mente you no harm. I loved you once. You loved me too, but now that love is gone. "Noose" The sound of your voice, raps a noose around my neck. I pull, but it doesn't come off. Shut up, I scream, just go away. The noose, so God damn tight! Let go of me. Don't speak my name! When you breath, it closes more. Step away, you cannot harm me, I say as the blood pores. "Near" The end is near. I know, for I feel no pain. The end is near. So close, so close, that you could taste. Curtsy, I do, to the dark. It's soul, I feel, steal mine. So close we are, to the end! So close. The end is near. "Keep Holding My Hand" Keep holding my hand. You make me feel loved. In your eyes, I see hunger, for me, and nothing more. Lying in your arms, I feel safe, so warm. I'm crying, in your hart. Please, lets never part! "Forever" Why won't you leave? Yes, why do you stay? I love you so much! Please, promise, you'll not stray! Tell me that you love. I don't care if it's a lie. Tell me that you care. Tell me that you'll die, with me, in my little world. Tell me that you love, forever isn't enough! "Unthought Of" Unthought of, and unloved. Will I forever spend my life, this way, when theirs no way, to tell if this is right? "Nothing" There's no where left to live, when theirs no where left to go. Theirs no one left to love, when theirs no one that I know. "Hurt" Hurt, I am. I feel his kiss. Does he love me? Is this just a dream? Why do I do this? Why am I, who I am? I don't wont to live! I don't wont to die! Go away! Get out of my mind! To the voices inside, please leave me be! "Chills" The chills, that I get, they take me away. I see no pain. I feel no hurt, as the whip lashes my back, and I feel the blood pore. Too young was I to run away. I'm scared, to fall asleep! When blood was red, and death was black, he stole my life. I must take it back! ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? 2003-06-23 03:46:32 (GMT) I am soo... happy! I'm no longer mad at Ashley. I know I havent wrote in a while so you probly don't know y I waz but anywayz. She's been a bitch 2 me when all I've eva been 2 her waz good. I mean I let her cheat on me one time... and yeah we broak up but I did get back 2getha wid her. I know she's jelous of Adam tho. It's funny realy! I bet Adam neva thought anyone would eva be jelous of him! I have 2 remember tell him that 2 make him fell betta sometime. Ashley if you read this you can shill out on tha whole I neva wana talk 2 you again thing because you know you are no betta than me! I have one question 4 you. I mean I know you waz wid Jennifer tha first time we dated... an you said she waz good. Well hears someting you probly didn't think that I knew. This time waz Sheron any good? I hope not. I hope she gave you everything you diserve. You know I waz good 2 you ... well when you wernt pushing away! But enough about her! I happier than I've eva been wid Adam right now! He shows me love that Ashley neva seemed 2 won't 2 show. He understands me (well tha best he can) and respects me 100%! I love him sooo... much! Hear lately ... sience I've droped Ashley we've been talking alot about our future 2getha. He loves me! I know he does for that's all he eva talks about, is us growing up 2getha and being happy and living in a big house with four or more beautiful children. He tells me how he's gonna be a macanic and provide for us and he told me that I could do what eva I wonted. He said that he would neva stop me from going into tha military and becoming a layer like I wana do. I love him sooo.... much! I have a lot of shit going on right now that I'm 2 scard 2 write about on tha net right now ... but Adam is behind me tha whole time helping me and I am verry greatful of that! 2003-06-23 22:16:49 (GMT) I am realeaved ... at last! All the bad things that have happened 2 me in my life has seemed 2 come to a hult. I'm no longer depreased 24-eva. I feel like a jient weight has been lited off of my shoulders. I may have made some mistakes in tha past but I hope that I can go back now a correct all of the major ones possible. I said before that I had doughts about Adam & me ... well that's over! I know that Adam & I will alwayz be happy 2-getha! I can feel it so strong inside me that when I think about him I feel like I'm gona explode! This summer has been betta than I thought it would be! I believe that this is tha best summa that I have eva had. I mean besides all tha time it took 2 prepare for what had 2 be done ... (I might explain that latta). I'm just glad that one of tha worst parts of this whole thing is ova! I can't weight 2 go back 2 school ... even tho this year I won't get 2 see Adam because he's going 2 Richmond and I'm steel in Rockingham. I know that a lot of people may not like me. To be quite frank about that now tho... I don't realy care. This whole year is going 2 be a fun chalenge for me. For tha first time in my life I might actually have a reason 2 be lonely. I know that men can be week under tha influence of a woman ... but I also know that some men (men of todays world) have been able 2 stand up 2 that chalenge. I have come 2 realise that for some God offal reason I actually wont 2 make a relationship work in my life so much, that I'm actually having fun working and acheaving tha goals that I have set for myself and Adam's future. Were only a few steps away from eturnal happiness... I'm sooooo..... glad! 2003-06-27 02:46:26 (GMT) I need no more I don't have 2 hide behind love anymore. I'm glad that Ashley dosent wont me back and that when Matt & I dated he lied tha whole time! Now I know that I don't need that false securiety of hope. All I need now is to live. I don't need Adam. I have him & I love him with all my heart! I just don't have 2 depend upon his love for me 2 move on through the day. I know that Ashley dosent understand me and that she never will ... but that's her. I don't hate her & I don't know if I love her. I'm sure that if the situation was different & I would have got 2 know her then I would totally love her. She can say things & take them back again & over & over again a million times but it has no meaning 2 me anymore. I know shes going 2 twist & turn everything I say ... so I'm not worried about that. I had a relationship a year back that ment the world 2 me. His name was Matthew & we lasted for at the time what seemed like a centry 2 me 5 months. Until a few dayes ago that relationship from my past steal ment quite a lot 2 me. After speaking with him again I've realised that people change with time. I've also realised that you never know who you could swair that you knew. I hated finding out that the relationship that I had treasuerd most was based upon lyes & fantacies ... but it was for the best. With knowing the truth I can rest easier at night. Before we spoke again steal in the depths of my heart I wanted 2 feel his love once more. I'm glad that I don't have 2 wish for something that I can't have now. I'm glad that I no longer have 2 judge Adam by the "God-like" roal that Matt played so well. I no longer have 2 feel guilt for harming someone who loved me, for he never loved me at all (even tho. he denies this). I'm rejoicing inwardley, for I no longer feel the pain. PS: I LOVE ADAM!!!!!!! 2003-06-27 03:07:36 (GMT) A few poems "Sufficated" Suffocated, in my life. I've gave all there is to give. Which way did I turn? Which road shall I take? Is the darkness hear, or gone? Unscramble, my mind, if you wish to have me, to love. Unsolve my mistories, and feel in my blanks. Just a simple hug, or kiss, and my brick wall, shall shake "Last Night" Blood rushed from me. He stole my pride last night. The sheets all red. I felt such pain. Is that why, no longer, am i sain? To say he's wrong, for what he did, is that an, understatement, in the end? All I know, is that I cryed last night. My mother dosen't care, that inside, I died, last night. "Lost" Lost in his eyes, I've found the light, and strayed, to the darkness again. Lost in his kiss, I taste the blood. His screams, no use to me. I'm lost in the night. I've found my love. "To Me" Bound up, I have no wat to turn. My bodies, broken and unused. I've longed for love. I've longed for you. You made my dreams, come true. Your all I'll ever have, or need. You take the pain away. To thank you again, for what it's worth, your all there is to me. "Adam # 3" Shivering, inside of you, yet your skin, keeps me warm. Your hart, I hold in my hands, it beats a thousand times, per minunt, as I kiss your lips. Thoes lips, I taste, are red and sweet. I feel no pain, for you've saved me, long ago. Shivering, inside of you, I wept, last night. You were there to kiss, my tears, away from me, I thanked you so. Your love is warm. Don't let me go. "Turned Frown" Streached and pulled, I lye hear dead, and all my dreams, of you. I've plunged, into the darkness. My sprit chased me down. I love you, wispered into my ear, has turned my smile, to frown. "Burning" Burning in hell, I am today. Hear the screams, of others, I do but no one is louder, than you. Why have you left? I ment you no harm. I loved you once. You loved me too, but now that love is gone. "Nuse" The sound of your voice, raps a nuse around my neck. I pull, but it dosen't come off. Shut up, I scream, just go away. The nuse, so God damn tight! Let go of me. Don't speak my name! When you breath, it closes more. Step away, you can not harm me, I say as the blood pores. "Near" The end is near. I know, for I feel no pain. The end is near. So close, so close, that you could taste. Curtcie, I do, to the dark. It's soal, I feel, steal mine. So close we are, to the end! So close. The end is near. "Keep Holding My Hand" Keep holding my hand. You make me feel loved. In your eyes, I see hunger, for me, and nothing more. Lyeing in your arms, I feel safe, so warm. I'm crying, in your hart. Please, lets never part! "Forever" Why won't you leave? Yes, why do you stay? I love you so much! Please, promise, you'll not stray! Tell me that you love. I don't care if it's a lie. Tell me that you care. Tell me that you'll die, with me, in my little world. Tell me that you love, forever isn't enough! "Unthought Of" Unthought of, and unloved. Will I forever spend my life, this way, when theres no way, to tell if this is right? "Nothing" There's no where left to live, when theres no where left to go. Theres no one left to love, when theres no one that I know. "Hurt" Hurt, I am. I feel his kiss. Does he love me? Is this just a dream? Why do I do this? Why am I, who I am? I don't wont to live! I don't wont to die! Go away! Get out of my mind! To the voices inside, please leave me be! "Chills" The chills, that I get, they take me away. I see no pain. I feel no hurt, as the wip lashes my back, and I feel the blood pore. Too yung was I to run away. I'm scard, to fall asleep! When blood was red, and death was black, he stole my life. I must take it back! "Pain" This pain that takes hold, of my life is in my soul. This pain I feel inside, traps itself within me, hides. This love I feel in you, I feel it yet I feel blue. This evil they say lye's within my eyes, will one dat blacken all the sky. This love I feel in you, I know it's forever, know it's true. "Out Of The Darkness" Out of the darkness she popped, to find the key to my soul. She took one look and she seized it, for she new my weakness, was her. She tricked me with her love note, she stabbed me with her soared. She kissed me and said, "My darling, what's mine is now yours." Her love I knew for a short time, but will forever know, how she saved me from my darkness, as we made love in her bed. Laced with flowers that smelt like roses, but I was not quite sure, for the smell quickly drifted, as we held our hands tight. She killed us with her double blade, left dyeing side by side. "True Love" My luv, I shall rise above. I promise that I will find some way, to make it where I'll always stay. Together we will be rescued from harm, you'll trap my tears with your charm. No matter what it takes to be your wife, I'll make any kind of sacrifice. For love is true when it's with you, I know now that were not mente to be two. Yet one soul that burns with fire, which hold all our deepest desires. My luv, I can't let go, for your the only one I truly know. 'Cause I am you and you are me, and I'm sure that's mente to be. So in the end I shall rise above, to find you, my true luv. "Unforgivin" Scared, I cannot catch my breath, with him in mind. Scared, I can't move, I'm dyeing inside. Lost, In this dream. I can't break through. Lost, so far gone, no simple cure will do. unforgivin, she says it's my fault, what happened to me. Unforgivin, I beg my mind, please leave me be! 2003-07-02 04:54:31 (GMT) Sometimes I think I'm going crazy Theres alwaz been something wrong with me. I use 2 worry about it while I wasted my life away. I don't realy care now. I'm glad I'm crazy! I love being able 2 go through all this shit that most would think of as straange! I would hate it if I were normal! I've finally found someone who I am happy with. I hope that he's not afraid when he learns who I realy am tho. R does he know who I am? You know I think he might. I know thoes of u who read this shit get tired of me talking about Adam ... but I can't help it! I love him when I hate the world. Is anything better than that? I know that I will only live a few years in this life. No matter what anyone tell me I've alwayz know this 2 be true. If I don't die from suiside ... I'll die from murder of the heart! I feel death looming each day! If you know me you know it's true. Christine Danielle Talley ... that's me. If you know me (an ur not Adam) you eatha think I'm weard & kool r you think I'm evial and must die. Maby I am evial. If I am I hope 2 cast a spell upon all thoes whoo've done me wrong. I curse the day that I waz boorn, 4 who hasent cursed my life before? I dance with the dead & run with my hatchet. I will forever be alive in my dead little world. "I lye with my love" I lye with my love in pooles of blood. The darkness pulled us down. I stair blankley at the wall, witch holds our souals. Together we burn in hell! A kiss of death. The taste of read. Our lifes not ment to be. Bound together in blood. Never have know such love, yet ours is clear to see! Love : FLERTKILLA 2003-07-03 08:18:09 (GMT) Ashley & I are at piece again. Ashley & I are at piece again. It's truley horrable 2 see us when we are at war! I don't think that we'll eva be able 2 understand one anotha ... but maby that's tha fun part. Adam & I are experiencing new feelings in our relationship that I believe wern't there before. We have both grown. Even tho we play & fight all tha time ... we have become more mature than we eva thought we could have been. I can't weight 2 grow old with him. I can't weight 2 spend my 4-alwayz in love! Love:Christine Danielle Long D.T. n 4-alwayz! A.L. 2003-07-19 04:13:43 (GMT) Die Another Day I know that tis is a cheasey title of a 007 movie, but it realy means something 2 me. It means that for one day in my life I'm actually not thinking about suiside. I am so happy! That is so fuckin alsome 2 say! You just wouldn't know how long I've wanted 2 say that. The only prob;em is that I don't know why. I don't know why I feel the way I do & I don't know how. All I know is that right now I'm a piece & for some strange reason that frightens me more than anything! I know much mess than I use 2. Today I read my old diary from when I lived with my mother & step fathor nearley 3 years ago. I knew that I was confused about life then but I didn't know how much & I steal don't know. My whole life seems like a dream. Constant love affairs seem so far away know. My life seems 2 drift off. My memory has once again gone blank. I thought that by reading my old diary that I could somehow come into contact with my former self. The truth was that I am now ferther away than I ever have been. I'm loosing everything but this time it dosen't hurt. I have very few memories know. I can bearley even remember the love of my life, Adam. It does scair me a little. But I know that now I can start over. Adam will alwayz be there for me & it will be like nothing bad had ever happended. I'm just afraid of what will happen when I have 2 walk into that court room & drag up all thoes forgoten memories. I don't even remember the good times over there anymore. I don't know if I wish I did or not. All I know is that once again it's time for me 2 forget. I know Adam will alow me 2 because all he likes 2 think of is the good thinge anywayz. This way I don't have 2 hold grudges against him that were never his doing. I love him & I am now once again at piece. 2003-07-20 03:11:33 (GMT) Undesided Deshions come and go in everyones lifes. I look at mine & realise that I'm not sure if I made any right ones, wrong ones, or anything in between. Certian things trigger certian emotions in me like anyone else. The only thing is that in me, when these emotions are triggered, that triggered emotion pulls itself into full force. In other words I feel all things extreamly too strongley. For example: pain, fear, lonelyness, gloom, happieness, love, life, & death. I've finally found a reasoning in behind all of this. It seems that my life is a case of someone on the "Borderline". I know it sounds like something someone says when there angry, but it actually is a proven condition. I have went through all possibilties. I had even considered my self as a "Manic Depersive". It turs out though, that there are many times that I am nothing less than the happiest person alive. Therefore, this thierie was thrown out the window. I've also realised that my lifestile now, somehow relates to situations in my past. This means that to get rid of my past, is to loose all the pain of today and my future. I have total confidence in that plain. As of now I'm only weighting, for the "Bottom to Drop Out". I know this may seem silly or "teanagerish", but it's nothing less than the truth, that everytime something goes right in my life, it never fails to go wrong. Yes, an oxymoron I know it to be, but the truth, it is! Pain is destiend to come & I know this. All there is left to do is stail it. I don't know in what form or manner it shall come, but believe me when I say, "It shall"! I only hope that it has nothing to do with mine & Adam's relationship, for that would be the last blow. If I ever lost him I would be through. I would be no more, for I am alive only with him! 2003-07-24 05:39:28 (GMT) I'm happy for Ashley I'm happy for Ashley ... I just kinda feel a lil jelous now. She told this chick that she just met on tha net that she loved her. I guess she realy does, it just hurt a lil 2 know that she waz that open with someone she just met when it took her forever 2 worm up 2 me. Oh well time moves on & old wonds heal. I hope she don't shut me out now though. She probly wont have any time to talk 2 me on tha net anymore now & we never talk on tha phone anyway. I guess now I'm going 2 have 2 realy start acting like only a friend & let her live her life & talk 2 me when she wonts. I steal had a few strong feelings towards her but I guess I have 2 let that go somehow now. She probly wont even read this. She'll probly be 2 into talking to that girl. Oh well. Oh but if you do read this know that I give you all the best wishes & that I'll alwayz be open 2 talk or just 2 goof around if you ever wont 2 again. I guess I'll be able 2 consentrate with Adam more 2. I mean I have 2 look at the good part of this. Were doing so well that people could think that we were a match made in heaven, or Shangri-La in our case! Another bad thing about this chick that Ashley is with ... she's down wid tha clown like me & Adam! & I caused them 2 meet. Well I'm steal happie for her! I hope she gets lots of love! Ashley broke up with tha girl she waz seeing on tha net Thing is that I'm seeing her now. I guess neather one of us told her. I think that I'm in love with Tia. She is so beautiful! If I could I would put her pic. in hear & prove it but tha damn thing wont let me! Anywayz, I waz gonna kill myself 2 night. Adam talked me out of it like alwayz but this time it waz different. I waz realy starting 2 scare him. He waz crying & beging me not 2 for at least an hour. I hate 2 but him through so much pain like that! it kills me 2 know that he cries for my life. He realy loves me I know it! Tia (my new girlfriend) might be pregnate. I think that is sooooo.... winderful! It makes me wont 2 be so bad! Adam swairs that we will have one as soon as possible. He said that he wont's 2 be able 2 take care of us first. I love him so much! He is planing on byeing me an engagement ring as soon as he gets the money. I can't weight 2 prove 2 tha world that I am his. Tia & I talked about it & we thought it would be so kool 4 us 2 have kids 2 getha & let them grow up calling both of us mommy. I just can't weight until I actually get 2 see her! But for now I have 2 go 2 sleep so I can be nice & pritty 4 Adam in tha morning because I'm going 2 his house 4 a few hours. Well I guess I'll write a lil longer.... I haven't herd from Ashley in a while. I'm sure she is ready 2 go back 2 school though so that she can find a new girlfriend. I didn't seem 2 be 2 good 4 her because she wrote 2 me saying that she found no one good this summer & that is when we dated. Oh well life goes on @ least we don't hate each other! 2003-08-04 06:36:08 (GMT) un-understood I changed tha name of my diary 2 tha name of my diary that is not on tha com. Adam realy loves me & I love him! Life is just bringing me so damn far down! I don't know what I'm living for sometimes now. I can just sit there starin at tha wall or somethin for hours just thinkin & talkin 2 Adam & myself & otha people in my head. I haven't told my shrink that though because I don't wont 2 be sent away or anything. I wont 2 be with Adam where I can be happy. He loves me so much. He keeps begging me 2 hold on for a little longer. I swair baby that I'm tryin! I told him that I would give him 2 weeks for him 2 prove 2 me that he needs me more than anything else in his life because he asked me 2. I would do anything for him. His parents are sweet but most of the time they see me as the rest of the world does. It hurts when I see them treating me like I'm a whore. Adam swairs that they don't mean it and that they love me 2 death but sometimes that's hard 2 believe. I've been dating Adam now for about 9 months. I've never found such love. By him loving me I've realised that no one has ever loved me like him before. He swairs 2 me that he will make all the pain go away. I believe him 2! I've never trusted anyone mor ethan I do him. I've never loved anyone more & never will be able 2 or be able 2 be loved more by anyone!It's easy 2 die for someone but it takes all the power in the world 2 live for someone expesially if you see yourself as useless in this world. I know that Adam thinks tha exact fuckin opposite though. He treats me as if I were a queen. I don't even diserve half the man that he is! & yet I know that our love will 4-alwayz be! 2003-08-04 06:40:47 (GMT) I had 13 entreies I had 13 entries. I didn't won't 2 put any bad luck upon Adam & my reltionship so I thought that I would add a fourteenth one just in case! I love him with my life, death, body, mind, soul & spirit& anything else that happens 2 come 2 mind! I love him & I will 4-alwayz!!!! 2003-08-05 05:52:50 (GMT) Not quite sure I keep thinking that I'm getting better but then for some reason I back slide again. I'm afraid of being lonely, expesially if it means not being with Adam! I have 2 hear him tell me that he loves me everyday or I can't take it! This is why I know that I won't be able 2 go through with my suiside unless he comes with me @ the exact same time. He told me before that he would wind up doing it if I did but that he would get revenge for me first. I love him so much for thinking of me like that! He thinks that all that's happened 2 me is the reason that I'm doing this though. I now that inside he knows that it's not the only though. He keeps telling me that he wished that he would have met me pefore all the pain came, but I told him that fate has a way of things & it wouldn't have been the same if he had. He wonts 2 bee with me 4-alwayz & that's why he's afraid of death. He dosen't know for sure if we would be 2-gether or not after we die. I had never thought about that before & him saying that realy scared me into realiety! Steel thinking of it though... I can't help but be a little scaird. I have to think through this big time! I would never do thisa if it ment loosing Adam! He is the only good part there is of me. The funny thing is that he thinks I'm the most perfect thing in the world. He loves everything about me. He even thinks that I'm beautiful. I love him & he loves me. Nothing or no one will ever come between us! 2003-08-18 04:15:25 (GMT) 9 mounths!!!!!! I am so very freakin happy 2-day! Today is mine and Adam's 9th anivershary! That's almost a year! Were already trying 2 figure out what 2 get each other for our birthdays sience there both in October. Mine is before his though because it's on tha 2nd & his is on tha 21st, so that way I have an advantage. I get to let him get me something first & have more time to pick out what I wont 2 get him. I love him soooo.... much! I went 2 his house yesterday. I saw Ashley's mamas car at her grandmas that lives right beside Adam but I didn't see eather one of them. I had fun yesterday! Adam almost broke my anchel though. We were playing around in tha pool & we fell of tha steps or something like that. It feels better now though. He kissed my foot & even though I would normally consider that grose I can't help but think that is waz terrobley romantic & sweet! We got in on in his grandmas pool again. lol Both times we almost got cought but we never did. Sience I twiztid my anchle Adam had 2 carry me on his shoulders back 2 his house. The only bad part about that waz that he had hurt his anchel tha day before! Oh well I guess I better go now it's getting kinda late & I wont 2 go dream of my future baby's daddy! I love you Adam!!!!!!!!!!!! 4-alwayz!!! 2003-08-18 21:35:46 (GMT) weard I don't realy know what 2 talk about 2-day. I never like 2 say that everything is going good because it never is. I'm happy when I'm with Adam though! My mind keeps spining and I think that I'm starting to like it. I've alwayz feared it before, now I welcome it with open armes! No I'm not using drugs. I haven't done that in quite a while! I'm just feeling so damn weard! I know that I just got back from Adam's house but I'm already missing him again! I'm afraid that I might not be able to see him this weekend though because my brother Damon is comming over for tha weekend but maby Adam can come over hear instead of me going over there again this weekend! I hope that daddy will let him! I mean he's being his self again, (ass whole!) I wish that he would hurry up so I can get tha hell off tha net so that I can talk 2 Adam! I have 4 freakin projects dew in tha next few weeks & I need some computer paper so that I can print it out! I'm listning 2 some crazy as hell Gerala song while I'm on hear so that it won't be all boring. I'm taking typing class & I'm practicing typing & it kinda hurts my rist! It feels like my rist keeps cramping up or something. it hurts real bad damnet! Oh well thinking of Adam makes anykind of pain go away! I have him 4-alwayz & he has me just as long!!!!! 2003-09-16 03:01:24 (GMT) Who I am Who I am .... I am who I am, and that is many things. I am never constant. I am a forever changing being. In many ways I am like the rest of the world, but in most ways I?m not. To say that I had a hard childhood would be an understatement. From the time that I was born until around the age of two, I lived with my biological father, Danny Talley, and mother, Christy McCoy. I don?t remember much from that time because I was so young, but from what I?ve herd and learned even back then was pretty ruff. My mother never cared for me and I could have died many times before the age of two from her lack of care. Thankfully my dad was there to save me from her. I don?t know why, but my mother started cheating on my dad with a man named David Stewart. My mom and dad eventually got a divorce and therefore I had to live with my mom. Soon after that she married David. I lived with them for many years and as time passed by, each one was worse than the other. My mom was bearing my half sister Amber when she married David and about two years latter they had my half brother Solomon. My dad during this time had already remarried and divorced to a woman, Elisabeth Skeen who never seemed to like me or anyone else in my family. Amber, Solomon and I were never really close at all, but Damon, my brother from my dad and Elisabeth and I always were. When Elisabeth would get mad the first thing she would do, would be run away with him and not let anyone know where she was. One day she got really mad and didn?t let anyone know. She left with Damon for four years. His not being there for that long effected me and everyone else greatly. Even at such a young age I hated everything about living with my mom and David. I Knew that nothing was ever right in that house, and I also knew that most of the problems had to do with me. I never liked the way that David would touch me, and for years I didn?t know that what he did was severely wrong. I went to my dads and grandparents every Wednesday and every other weekend. I always took comfort in my departure from that house of hell! My papa tells me now of how I use to scream and cry when it came time for me to go back. He also tells me of how he, my grandmother, and my dad would see broses sometimes so bad on me that they would take pictures hoping that that would make my mom and David stop abusing me ... theres more 2 come soon ... steal workin on it. 2003-09-20 19:59:42 (GMT) keep tryin I keep tryin to finish the story but tha rest is at school in my locker. I don't wont to change any of the words or anything because I like tham the way thay are. Oh yeah & for that project that I had 2 do with this in it I made a 88. I felt like I should of made a lil higher though considering all of tha shit that I waz letting her know about me. I tell you one thing that woman is fuckin nosey! There was a whole lot more that we had to do for the project but I think that this was the most reveling, besides the one where we had to write about our family. I mean I had to hold back in that one to try not to talk as bad as I wanted to about my mama. I swair if that wouldn't have been a school asignment it would have been so much more hard core. I think I'll write it over just to put in hear so I can truly let this world know just how much of an uncaring negletent mother she realy is. Anywayz until then I am steal waiting on my forgetful ass to remember to bring my project home. Write more latter....... ~Flertkilla~ ~Christine Danielle Long~ 2003-10-01 22:50:45 (GMT) I don't understand Why am I not happy??? I feel the same pain that I have felt for years. The ones I love never know exackley how much, and the ones I hate never know the truth of it. I don't see how I can go on living this way, and the truth of it is that I'm not living at all, but constantally everyday struggaling to prove to myself, that something is worth going on this way for. I don't expect anyone to understand me, and maby that's why they don't. Each day I tell my lies to myself and others, that everything is ok, when inside I know that there is something very wrong. I hang my head down low, and I cry like the child that I should have been aloud to be, but I'm NOT a child, because I waz never aloud to be. And now I dont know how. All that I know is the pain, and missery, of an adult that has already led a full life. My life was over before it ever started, because I waz never given a chance, and will never have a chance to prove who I realy am, or what I'm realy worth. I damn myself to hell, for becoming this hedious monstar, on the inside that they, have formed for me. If I coulod just lye and rot. I would but I have this overwellming being inside of me, that can't weight to break free, and kill. Yes I said it, finally it took this long to let it out, and yet I said it. I will kill, and I will be happy in doing so. No one can stop me, not even the sweet, sweet love that Adam supplys me, that once held be back from even thoughts of this. I must do what has to be done, before it is to lateand there is nothing left to prove. No oneunderstands, and I know that when the time comes, almost no one will back me. I prey that Adam will be there. I prey to the god that loves all, but never, ever loved me, that Adam will know, and understand my actions, and continue to love me, as no one ever has before. No one has ever came so close as Adam, in understanding me, but then again, no one has ever been so far away. When I bleed I will not bleed for myself, but for the love of others. I will kill who has to be killed, then take myself, out with them. They know who they are. They have to pretend, no more. There day is looming. I cry for them and myself now, but it makes no matter. They have destroyed my life, each one of them, in there verry on special way. They have made me, into this beast and now along with me, they must suffer. Damn them all to hell, and let them burn in eturnity with me, at their side, spiting in their face, for causing such destruction. They made me. I am what they created. I am pain, and suffering, and terrer, and love, all in one. Caset out, I soon shall be, even more so than I am now. This pain, that I feel, will soon became a minor nothing. All that will be left, is justice, and love for that, which is forever more. 2003-10-07 01:59:31 (GMT) willing I feel dead and I wont to die. The sunner the better in my case. I slit my rist and that use to help ease the pain but now I know that it wont go away. What scares me is that I don't want it to go away. It is the faint lovlieness of lonlieness that causes me to feel this way. Adam is confused and I know so many others are also but the truth is I can't help but not give a damn. It seems very rude when in fact it isn't at all it's just the way that I feel and every day that feeling gets stranger. I know that I can't last much longer. And hell no I am not just saying this for attention. In fact that's the exact opposit of which I wish to acheave. I want to die which means that I want to be alone. Alone for all eturnity. I just know that where ever I go and no matter what I do I know that I need Adam by my side. He is becoming more of me everyday. I know that I could never loose him. There is no, "well what if I did", because I know that I want. It is not at all possible. And with that I mean every word that I say. My love now goes to only one. All of the others are just a sweet memory. I don't regreat that in any way or form. Yes I will miss the way the feelings they gave me felt, but thats all. I alwayz thought that I would die alone but now I have someone by my side. And his hand I will never let go of, even if I have to drag him into death with me. I know that he would come willingly ... just for me. 2003-10-14 02:54:40 (GMT) Death I guess life comes and gose. In 8th grade right around the time that Adam and i first started dating I this girl named Kim Bird called me and said that she had dated Trey Gathens at the same time that I had. I wasn't pissed off because it had been about a year sence Trey and I broke up and he wasn't important to me anymore anywayz. Actually when I found this out we both thought it waz kinda fummy because we also had both been cheated on by this guy that we both knew named Robert Cassidy. I was dating Adam at the time and she was dating this guy named Timmy. I hadn't had a girlfriend in a while and I was delited to find out that she waz edventuring into becomming bisexual. We talked on the phone for a long time that night and got to know each other pritty good. We dated for about two months and then we just kinda went our seperate wayz. During that time I Adam and I were steel dating and I was reintrodused to Ashley Brittan who I did not at the time know was his cosen. Ashley and I talked for a while and eventually dated. We broke up eventually for a numerous amount of reasons and I began talking to Kim again. During this time we had never met except for on the phone. We described ourselves to each other vivadly though. She was the tipe of bisexual who wanted to look like a guy. Of corse I thought that that was kool so I began feeling the same way. I regreat never being able to meet her in person because for a long while we were verry much in love with one another. I remember being jelous one time when she called me and there was a bunch of girls at her house that she waz flerting with that waz her friends. I also remember calling her one night at 2:00 in the morning and getting her into trouble. I swair that I will miss her because she was so verry nice to me. She called me about 2 weeks back and I couldn't talk to her because it waz late but I wanted to so bad. She told me to call her back, but I guess I waz too late on that. I called and talked to her sister in law and she told me everything. I may not have ever met her in person but she will alwayz have a place in my heart. The news crushed me. I just wish that I would of had that last chance to talk to her! I have lost a dear friend! 2003-10-21 02:03:57 (GMT) almost a year!!! I can't believe that Adam and I have lasted this long! So many people keep fucking with us that brings me down, but Adam is alwayz there to pick me up again. I love him so much! I don't know why people choose to make up dirty lies about us, and try to swing on his nuts wid lyes like muda fuckin hown dawgs! I mean fuck tha rest of tha word! We have each other now. My friend Baily and I are getting real close again. I think this time were closer than ever tho. She's like my agervating, midget sister lol. I hope that Adam can go to the movies wid us this weekend! He probably will be able to. I have then to thank for my steel being here. Baily for being supportave and cuzzing my ass out when I talk about anything "we consider" negative, and Adam for his everything! It's good to know that I have him to love me when no ones else does. He has and will be here for me no matter what! He is different from some people I know that can take their love back like a barrowed CD. I mean everyone has to get sick of people like that sometime. A lot of people will think I'm talking about them when I say this, but I believe the person I am talking about will truly know it's the truth. I've almost completly got over Kim now. I have to learn to put the past where it belongs and that includes a lot of other people and things along with her. Adam is my future. I have to learn to deticate my life to only him, and I have to say that I am a whole lot further along with that that I use to be. I am no longer afraid that I will never have anyone in my life because Adam has seen the true me a number of times and he steel loves me and is steel with me, so I have nothing to worry about! I am addicted to his love, now more so than ever. Everyone alwayz thinks that that is a problem. I know that it's not for me because I know that Adam will never leave me and as I said before he will alwayz love me and I will 4~alwayz love him!!! Once again I wana thank my true friends for being there when they could well make that true friends as in two Adam & Baily 2003-10-28 01:55:23 (GMT) Pissed Off!!!! Well if you know me then you know I don't like people calling me a bitch or even saying that word. Well ... hell, fuck that because Ashley Elisabeth Britten is a fucking bitch!!!!! I hate her!!!!! I have never threatned to kill her like her fuckin mama said I did, but I did say and I say now that I wish she would die!!! She's a fuckin loony bitch!!! I think she's tha one who's gona go crazy and kill a bunch of people!!! I mean yeah I listen to ICP & Psychopatchic shit, but I'm not as fuckin wacky as her!!! She wants to scair me, but I won't give her that much plesure. She don't even freak me out. She just needs help. She said that me hating her makes her hornnie lol!!! Shit I wouldn't be the only thing to ever do that. She claims to be lesbian, but what I realy think she practices is beastism!!! Or maybe she likes fucking corpsis! I would love to vido tape that lol! Shit, she thought my letter that I wrote to her about how much I hated her made her hornnie... I can't wight 'till she see's thais!!!! Yeah I admit, I would like to kill her. I wouldn't mind murrerding off alot of bitches in this world, but I never threatened her, and I never will because I'm not that stupid! I mean duh!!! I wonder how many psychobitches like her there are in tha world??? There can't be that god damn manny. I mean hell ... that bitch is fucked!!! Oh and by tha way Adam and I are steel loving eachother more than ever!!! I forgot to mintin that tha last time I wrote in here waz his birthday! I gave him a dagger for his birthday. Happy Late Birthday baby!!! I love you!!! Oh and by tha way mine wazthis month 2! Adam's waz on tha 21st and mine waz on tha 2nd. Anymafuckinwayz, Adam & Danielle 4~alwayz!!!!!! 2003-11-01 01:54:09 (GMT) Happy Hollowicked!!!! Devil ------------------------------------------------------------ -------------------- Happy Hollowicked!!!! Friday October 31, 2003 Happy muda fuckin Hallowicked all!!!! This is my fav. day of tha year, and I want all my ninjas and lettes to know that I'm given yo asses mad muda fuckin clown love 2- night! Yo if you want to hit a lette up to night. I need someone as wicked as myself to talk to. Yo 2 bad I didn't get to go bag snatchin tho! Yo I got to check out my babe Mickel Maners tho! I loves ya dawg! MMFCL to all ya'll motha fackus out there! Piece! Adam & Danielle 4~alwayz!!! 2003-12-04 04:23:08 (GMT) Just came back from the hospital DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!! OUCH!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!! ... that's what I feel right now! I had my apendix taken out plus I have swolen limphnodes and bloody, poisen fluid leeking inside of me. So in other words, I FEEL REAL BAD!!!!! At least I got to talk to Adam. He says that he hopes I get better soon. I hope I do too babe! Anywayz, I realy have to go! I feel like I'm gona die! ~Adam & Danielle 4~alwayz!~ 2003-12-21 07:03:40 (GMT) Far Gone I haven't realy been able to express myself sence tha last time I attempted suiside. I don't know why, but I just haven't realy picked up a pen and started writing or typing for that matter. I don't realy know what to say about my life right now. I got high again for tha first time in forever. Somehow, this time it was different. I didn't like tha way I felt. I didn't like carring about nothing. I didn't like knowing that Adam was suffering because I snorted pills and was laughing at him for no god damn reason. I didn't like causing him pain. I almost turned christian today again, allmost there for a seckond. I almost slit my wrist again today. It's become a regular habit to do so know when I feel bad. I almost had myself convensed today that my mother loved me, even though everyone can see that that's bull shit. I almost had my self convensed that I could fly away from all this pain. I almost stoped knowing why I cared anymore. I almost gave up. I tryed to kill my mind today by feeling it with lies and lulabyes. I almost took the life of a stranger. I almost cried. I think I started realising that I hate life again. Mayby I did. I don't know. I almost gave up pretending again, as I have once before. I almost gave up smilling to make Adam happy. I almost showed my true self. I told another lie again, I said that I was happy, I said that I liked me. I almost said goodbye today, to myself one last time. I almost gave all of these things that I have just mentioned up, or did I make all of this up? Is my mind so far gone that I can't even breath? Do you understand now? Do you know how it feels to be now, not when the pain is all that I can taste, but now. Do you think that my mind is far gone? 2003-12-29 07:41:06 (GMT) A letter to Adam Flertkilla_Juggalette Home | Archives | Add an Entry | Members | Request to Join | Rate this Blog | Tell a Friend Sunday December 28, 2003 flertkilla | inlove Adam, Baby, I love you and I am verry sorry for hurting you! I didn't mean any mean thing that I said. I know that your parents hate me now, but I hope that you will continue to ignore them and love me anyhow. I know that you love me far to much to let anyone or anything to come between us anywayz. I don't know what is wrong with me lately baby! I just wish that your parents wern't so God Damn involved! I don't wont anyone in our relationship except for me and you! I'm sorry if I sound crude, my love, but that's just the way I feel. I can't weight until we get older, and you can take me away. I just hope that you will love me enough to not care about anyone but me enough to leave with me when we get older, and married, that is if you steel want to marry me. I can understand if you don't, but in my heart I know you do. I swair, my love, my God, that everything will be different when it is just you and me. We will be able to love eachother so much more fully, without any interruption. We will go far away from here. I will won't no connection what so ever with my past, but I already know, as of now that, you will want to come back and see your family. I understand that fully, my love, but when the time comes I hope you understan just as well that I will not come back with you. Well, enough of the future for now, let's talk of the present. My life is very fucked, baby, you know that! You alwayz make it better, you make me able to breath once more. You take tha pain away. Anything that I have ever said or done to hurt you, I take all back. I want to make our love pure again. I want you to shower me with kisses, and I want to be your forever faitful slave. I love you from places within me that are so deep, that they have no end. My body, soul, and mind is filled now with only you. Sence we have meet my love, I have never thought of another, and I have never loved anyone but you. I will miss you dearly, my God, as I even miss you now. The pain now is all I have. I need to feel the warmth of your love once more. I despertly need you to take me away. I am traped in my mind and I long to excape. I have no where to go except for to you, and you are the only place I want to go. Please never leave my side!, I beg of thee, my lord! I love you and I will 4~alwayz! I love you!!!!!!! Love 4~alwayz, ur baby girl & wife, ~Christine Danielle Long~ posted at 5:24:51 PM | respond | e-mail 2004-03-23 16:44:52 (GMT) Don't feel good today! Damn I miss Adam!!!!! I haven't seen him in about a month!!! I am supose to see him dis weekend tho. I realy hope I get to. This weekend I didn't get to talk to him at all. Him and his family last weekend went to Verginia because they won a trip up there. I don't know what I'm gonna do if I don't get to see him real soon. I've already been depreased as hell and I have started cutting again real bad!!! Speaking of that I got my new site under construction and it is going real good. Now the only thing left to do is to get some people to actually check it out. I swair if someone that cuts checks it out they will stick with it. It is actually helping me out some. I don't know though, I cut all the time now. I don't realy think that I can stop. I don't even think that I want to stop most of the time. Adam wants me to though. I know he does. He said that every time that I cut that I hurt him more than I hurt myself. The last thing that I want to do is to hurt Adam. Him and Bailey are the only ones that I have. I am sooo.... lucky to have him. I know that I would have been dead already many of times if it wouldn't have been for him. I would have killed myself way long ago, and if I would have mananged not to kill myself then I would have gotten ran over that day that we were walking down the street and he yanked me out of the way of a truck flying down the road. If nothing shows that he cares, that does. And also the time when I had my knife in my hand and was despertly aiming it for my wrist and not to just cut but to kill myself and he pried the knife out of my hands. Damn I miss him!, and me typing all of this is making me miss him even more. I got to talk to him a few min. yesterday when he got home from Vergina, but it wasn't enough to satesfy my hunger for him. I have been needing some adam for a long time!, and if you are Bailey or Adam, you know what I mean by that lol. We haven't made love in a long time now! We defently have to dis weekend! I have a feeling that he needs me too! This is the longest that we haven't seen eachother sence I think the first month we started daiting. I haven't wrote in here in forever! I lost the page when my old site colapsed and then I forgot my password and I couldn't get into it. I am going to paste this page onto my site when I get the time. Right now I am buissy on working on the Pic. I swair I have only been working on this site for a few weeks and I am already in love with it! I wonder if it will make me better or worse. Eather way I think that knowing that I am not alone when it comes to cutting, burning, or any other form of self mutilation, is actually very helpful to at least my mind. I don't feel like such a fuckin freak anymore. I am going to list on my site a few of the reasons why I cut. That will be tha shit too. Well, I'm out, I LOVE ADAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Flertkilla