I want to start writing again. I want to let everything out. I'm so overflowed with words and emotions that I feel completly empty. I guess I've alwayz been feeled with oxymorans like that. I found out that I may be sick yesterday, real sick I guess. I'm scaired but I know God will look out for me. Sometimes I feel so alone, though I'm surrounded by those who I love and whom love me. I feel like I keep writing the same crap over and over again. I need everything! I'm deranged and I feel nothing like anyone else. Most of the time I realy don't care though. I'm sick of eveyone in life who juzt try to bring people down. I don't want to be down anymore. I'm so far down that I have to reach the top pritty soon. It seems I cry all the time. How can that be when I'm the happiest I've ever been? Life brings me down, but living gets me high. I want to escape everything and hide within myself, and yet never wanna be alone. Somebody talk to me and let me out. I feel as if I never breath, never take a deep breath, never relax. Something is alwayz happening. Dramma is alwayz occuring. I don't want to loose myself inside myself. I don't want to let go of all the nothing I have to hold one to one thing solid. I want to be the me that I am, the me that I alwayz was. What the hell is so hard with that. Why can't I feel? I'm scaired, but then again I don't care. I don't care about anything when I care about everything more than anyone else ever could. I can't let it out. I keep talking about nothing. Words wont come. I can't speak when I want to. Who has my toung. Why can't I talk to James. Why do I show the world lies and fake smiles? Why am I so down? Who or what is holding me down? I can't get that fuckers face out of my dreams. He want leave me alone. God please make him go away. Lord please make him leave me. I'm afraid to let go. I'm afraid to shair myself. I'm afraid to open up to anyone. I don't want to be left alone but I'm hiding myself from everyone. Who is this person living in my bady and smiling false smiles with my lips and speaking pritty lies through my teeth. Am I the same mindless creature that I see the rest of the world as. Is everything I feel how they feel. Am I juzt another Emo pussy? I know I'm noth this shit is real. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm not the same and I don't want to be. I don't want to be alive if my soul inside is dead. Why wont the deamons leave me the hell alone? Get out of my mind. Let me live my own life. I've put you behind me why can't I stop thinking? Where does all the emotion go? Where does all the pain hide when I smile my fake smiles? Why can no one read my heart and my mind? Why do they not see my lies. I've done nothing wrong, so what the hell is wrong with me? Why does no one ask that anymore but James. Why can he see whn no one else sees. How can Daddy see my tears when the rest of the world is oblivious? Why can he no longe see the reason why I'm sad? Why does depression have to take over every five minunts? I juzt want to let go. I can't juzt let life pass me by. I can't juzt give up. I have to let it out and get up. Why can't I breath? How am I still alive all these years without ever once breathing? What is wrong with me?