Things are bleh.... That's all I have to say. Man, this thing died pretty quickly and I just don't care. I don't even know what to say to try and describe what's been going on because I just don't care. I'm really starting to wonder if I was ever happy... because right now as I let my mind wander all I feel like doing is crying and going to sleep. Things are supposed to be better than this... I guess I should just stop thinking so damn much. Either way.. it's been fun. And to the people I've met along the way - Adios. .Jess.

So yeah.. it's been awhile. Again. My mood kind of spiraled down again so I really didn't have the motivation to post. Because who wants to hear me talk about why I feel like crap? Exactly. No one. I don't even want to hear myself explain why because it never makes sense to me. I hate how it's always just one small thing that just sends me into this mood where I don't feel like talking. Where all I want to do is crawl up under my covers and stay there. Like today it was finding out that me and my brother's plans to go up to AMC and see a movie won't be happening. Why am I now just wanting to call it a night early? Yes.. 8:40 is definitely not bedtime hour. It's just John. And it's just gift cards that I want to get rid of. I can say that to myself over and over and it still doesn't make me feel any better. I wish I could change who I am as a person.. just go back to the time when I first started to slip into all the negativism and lack of excitement over stuff and change me right then and there. Maybe that way I would be the person who actually gets noticed and not known as the girl who never talks in class or something like that. I would be remembered and not so much of a pushover when it comes to plans being cancelled. I don't know anymore. I really don't. On to other things... I might be quitting my job at JCPenney. I know I've only been there since the beginning of September so like 4 months now but this past week has really pissed me off. They said that there would be hour cuts but I didn't really think that it would get THIS bad. I only have five fucking hours next week and I don't work ANY days this weekend. You really can't just tell seomeone that can only work three days of the week that they are off for all of those days. You're already fucking me over on hours with your stupid policy of high school kids not working on school nights and now you decide to not schedule me at all. Fuck you. Seriously.. I can't have only five hours. So yeah I think I'm going to go out and start applying again next week and then when I get something arranged I will give my two weeks notice up at JCPenney. Knowing my luck.. I probably won't get called again so I'll be stuck with shitty hours and be forced to be broke even though I work. It's fucking stupid. And I hate it. I know that the 7.25 a hour that I get and love so much will definitely SUCK LIKE WHOA but at least I will get hours at the place I go to and they'll let me work during the week. Christmas was... hard. I kept looking to one of the chairs and was just like 'He should be there.. yelling at us to throw the trash away.' And everytime he wasn't there and those words weren't said it was just ANOTHER reminder of him no longer being around. Not that I really need any.. it's just a fact now. And it sucks. Everyone always asks how my mom is when they talk to me but none of them ask how I am doing. It's true that if they did ask that I wouldn't tell them that I feel like I'm breakin on the inside because that's not the type of person I am but I still want to hear the question. I want to know that someone cares. Because lately it seems that no one in my life does. Knowing that people do and wanting to FEEL like they do are two completely different things. I know people care about me. I just don't feel like they do. Get it? I got a digital camera from my mom. It was all I asked for/wanted from her so it was good. Then I bought myself an iPod [300 bucks] as a belated Christmas gift/New Year's present. I have 535 songs on it and I'm still not done with importing all my CDs. And I'll be getting about six more by next week. It's a great thing for me to have though because I don't have to carry my CDs around anymore and I won't even have to buy them anymore. I can just buy 25 dollar iTunes cards and get like two CDs for the price of just one and like an EP at the stores. Yeah.. so it's grreat. I love it. like whoa. I have started my last semester of high school. That is a big moment in my life. A very good moment too. I really am looking forward to May 26, 2006 more and more now. I will be going to Georgia State [YES! I GOT ACCEPTED!] and after four years I will be that much closer to leaving this place seeing as how what I want to do for awhile involves me living in a different country. None of my classes are all that fun.. but they aren't really hard either so when that senioritis kicks in it won't be too bad. Haha. But yes.. I've said enough. My life is still as uneventful as ever. My friends never want to do anything with me... still. I'll spend my whole weekend doing nothing - again. I'll just do homework tomorrow and then sit around again. I could have gotten some entertainment in the form of a movie and all the important movie snacks but that's not happening. Unless I just show off my loserness and go by myself. Maybe I'll take Nick and me and him will go see Chicken Little. It still makes me a loser because I'm going to go see a movie with my brother but it's not like anyone is picking up their phone or agreeing to go so if I take my brother then I take my brother. We'll have fun and that's all that matters in the end. Much love. - Jess ♥

I will always make things so much worse than they are... So Twana [my supervisor at JCPenney] called my cell phone and I wasn't able to pick it up because a. my phone was on vibrate and b. I was driving so I wouldn't have picked it up anyway. But yeah.. I got her voicemail when I was in Barnes and Noble and she said that there's a meeting at six tomorrow. We already had one meeting in which we were told that we had 30 days and then we would be evaluated. So now all I can think about is that the first job of mine is about to end just as quick as it started. And if it happened I really wouldn't be surprised just because it's how my life works. Ever since I can remember bad things after the next follow me. So if I end up getting fired tomorrow then well... 'I told you so' just won't be good enough. I think I'm making it out worse than what it really is too though because that's who I am. It's only been an hour since I received the message and I've already started to think about all the reasons why it's being called and what will come of it and everything like that. I really should stop finding the worst out of EVERYTHING and just take it as it is. It sounds a lot harder than what I say though.. god. I'm still freaking out over it. If Twana doesn't call me back by tonight then I'm going to be thinking about the meeting all day and pretty much nothing else.. I just know it especially since that's all I can think about now. Should I ask her if it's a department meeting or just me? Ugh... I really do hate how my life will never fail to 'go against' me sometimes. Anyway... little updates of Jess' life. - My brothers and madre are getting baptized next week... and I better not get fired or it will be me too. I still have to talk to my mom about what I believe in so she will realize the fact that maybe her daughter doesn't feel the same way she does about church and attending it. I don't know how she's going to take it... - I realized that most of my friends at school don't even know the /real/ me... - I also realized I don't know what I plan on doing with my life... and most people I know already know what major they want and then what job they plan to get with that major. I don't know either... and it really makes me feel ill prepared. - Jack, teh cat, has been acting really weird lately and that's starting to creep me out too. She hasn't moved from the one spot on my bed since last night and she only got put there by my mom. I haven't seen her eat anything in a week and about three days ago she wasn't able to put any weight on her leg. I don't want to be stuck with just Will because he smells like whoa and he's the cat who doesn't always use the litter box. - School has been overwhelming.. and I KNOW college will be harder and more work but I'm not in college right now so don't give me that line. - I still miss him so much....... - I'm in desperate need of a new hair color... - My mom got a '03 Ford Focus that I get to drive until she hears from the insurance people about his PT Cruiser. I really like it a lot and it's so effin easy to park in it. yay. - I have two research papers to write and I haven't really started on either... and I don't know why I haven't either. I need something/someone for motivation.. and NOW. - I miss Monica... she's probably one of the two people that I could tell whatever I'm freaking out about to and would at least care what I'm saying if she doesn't have something to say. Laura is another one of those people. If they both moved down here I would be the happiest person in the world.. - I have a habit of lusting after guys who will never notice me... like Alberto. Nevermind the fact he can barely speak English.. I still stare at him and just wish that he would at least say hi to me. - I got called a nerd today by Mr. Leonard.. haha. It was pretty funny. And that's about it in Jess' life... I still have a job at the moment that takes up my life on the weekends [not that I had a life on the weekends anyway], school takes up my weekdays, and the most excitement out of my day is when The Daily Show comes on at 11. Pretty sad... Oh, and if I do get fired by tomorrow someone give me their number so I can call you and cry to you because I know it's going to happen. Not just because I got fired but because then I feel the weight of everything else. That's why I started crying and couldn't stop when I was having problems with the Sonata. It wasn't the car I was crying over... it was everything else going on and then the car. Again, that's how I work.. when something [somewhat] bad happens then all the other bad things come back and there's the non-stop flooding of tears. So yeah... Monica or Laura you guys better expect to get a call. hah.. edit: the tears are already starting... and the hands are shaking so it's hard to get this typed right now... i seriously need some help. i haven't even gone to the meeting yet... this is not good.

So after a conversation I had with Arlene who again brought up the fact that I'm always depressed and like to cut myself I'm listing out the things that make me ME. You can either accept it or reject it. I learned that it's way too hard to change yourself for certain people so they'll be happy with you. I've done it for so long that I didn't realize I was doing it. So here's to you, Arlene... no, I'm not depressed all the time, no I don't cut myself anymore and yes, I did cry and show emotion *gasp* when Tom died. Fuck you, you know that? You're a great friend but sometimes you really don't know when you are absolutely wrong and just need to learn to shut up. I am... me. - I cry pretty much over every movie I see. - I still like to watch Disney movies. - I collect stuffed animals and sleep with them. - I still sit in the kids section of Barnes and Noble and read the kids books. - I have a habit of not letting people into my life for fear of being rejected, of being lied to, of crying over them, etc. - I am an extremely reserved person and that's my fault. - I build walls around my emotions, my feelings, myself. - I deny things that happen until I'm forced to face them. - I'll die for most people that I know. - I don't value my relationships enough. - I listen to music, write stories, and watch so many movies to try and escape from the harsh reality of life. - I make things worse than they are because I constantly worry and list out everything that could go wrong. - I love my smile. - I looove slash. [boy/boy] - I have several laughs. - I tend to snort when I laugh really hard. - The best feeling in the world is crying from laughing so hard. - I wish more people would give me a hug. - I complain too much about stupid things, BUT I do something to change what I complain about. - I like to whine... even though it never gets me anywhere. - A lot of things never seem to go right in my life. - I live in t-shirts and jeans. - If it was allowed, I would wear my pjs to school everyday. - I love nail polish and my toe nails are a different every other day. - I curse way too much. - I don't care what people thing about me which sometimes leads to me being out of line and rude. - I get worked up when the people I care about are upset.. I hate it so much and try to do anything I can to have it change. - I hate to see people cry. - I don't want to be married, or have kids. - I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. - I wish I was Hispanic. - I am 'in love' with two Mexican kids in my Spanish 3 class. - I am too cynical sometimes. - I get excited over stupid stuff. - I say 'oh em gee' and 'like whoa' too much. - You'll never know what comes next with me. ... And that is me. Edit: I used to have so many people as friends who would leave me several comments... where have they gone?

So it's been awhile since the last update... and I've found that the hardest thing about people dying is that it still doesn't seem real some days. I still think of all the things we would be doing right now and then it really does affect me. Like when mail comes for him or when no one calls at 7 in the morning to ask him to come in for overtime. And then I just randomly start crying.. I've cried in Anatomy, Algebra 3 and Pshychology so far. Anatomy it was pretty funny because my car was having some extreme problems on the way to school and I was freaking out about it and I just started crying and couldn't stop. And I was all 'omg. I'm crying over a car' in the bathroom to Jessica and Shani and Jessica said 'I think it's more than the car, dear.' And it really was.. more and more small things seem to bother me more than they should. I don't know why but I get worked up over really small and stupid things now. Attila's one year was also this month and I didn't feel like doing anything for the longest of time. I was just reminded of people who should be here and aren't. David's one year is coming up in November too and again I'll be a wreck. Why am I the one stuck here to endure all of this? In good news... I got my first job at JCPenny and it has officially taken up my weekends since they won't let me work during the weekdays since it's company policy. I mean its good I guess since I get to work 20 hours each weekend and that means 140 dollars without taxes. It'll be a lot better when the store opens [October 2] because then there will be no more stocking the store and carrying boxes to places and all of that 'fun' stuff. I am supposed to be a cashier and then adjust things when I don't have a long line or something like that. But yeah.. that's all I'm going to 'write' for now. I love you Tom, Attila, and David.

So Friskie never came back... I got a new kitten though. She's orange and white and I named her Jack. [Yeah, I'm obsessed. Second movie out July 7, 2006 just so y'know.] Someone asked me if I liked my new kitten better than Friskie and I had a hard time actually answering. I mean, yeah I like the kitten A LOT but there's no comparing her to how attached I was to Friskie and vice versa. She really was an ama-zing cat. And it really was like losing a friend... three in one year. Considering my luck, or lack of it, in the past few months I'd say that number will increase by the end of December. perfect. I have one exam/two hours left of school and then I can say I am only 180 days [technically 175] away from finally leaving high school. FINALLY. I will be smiling as I leave the school building at 10:45 on Friday. This summer I decided I'm going to jog/eat right every day this summer until I'm satisfied with my appearance because I'm tired of the stares and no longer being able to fit into clothes that fit last year. Also because if you're unhappy with yourself than no one else could really ever be happy with you. I'm tired of being stubborn, unhappy and so introverted.

My one real best friend has gone missing. Friskie, my 11th birthday present, hasn't been seen by anyone in my house for about three days now. I have cried it about it for about two nights now because she wasn't waiting for me outside the bathroom or laying at my feet while I was on the computer. Or in the morning, she wasn't sitting in my lap when I sat down with my cereal or whatever food I happened to be eating. She wasn't there... You may think it's the most pathetic thing ever, and I guess I do too but Friskie was the one 'person' that I could tell anything to and she would 'listen.' She cared/loved me as much as I did her. Unless you want to call her constantly following me around hating me or something. They said at lunch yesterday that in order for cats to cause their owners less pain they run away and die in the woods somewhere. That still doesn't make me feel any better y'know? Even adopting one, or two, new kitten(s) won't be the same as Friskie. Maybe over time they'll be that attached again but there's also the chance they wont'. God. I'm so freakin pathetic to get this worked up over an animal - I told myself and others I wouldn't ever get this way if it happened. I guess I lied. Too late. So moving on... Jess only has 19 more days of school left including today. I can't fucking wait until it's done and I have two months away from this fucking place and then only TWO semesters left. These seriously have been my worst years of my life. Not that once I graduate it's going to get any better or anything. Still better than here. I'm planning on going to Georgia State University. At least I made up my mind in what school I want to go to. Just have to actually work on getting in and everything. I spent all of my weekend on my stupid English research and I STILL have to get my stupid American History shit done too. I'm really behind on that. ugh. it sucks. I just want to sit back for the rest of the school year and say FUCK IT but I know I can't. I've been driving to school though and I love it. Yesterday when I wasn't able to breathe through my nose or throat I just got up and left to go to the store to buy some Nyquil and cough drops. No having to wait on my mom to take me. It's lovely. Me and the brothers are working on buying my mom's a Mother's Day present too. She deserves more than we can actually buy her but all the money we have we get from her so y'know.. kind of stuck there but still. Until next time... Peace out, bitches.

I wanted to go to the Roses Are Red/Plain White T's show tonight but my mom didn't want to drive me and she wouldn't let me drive up there on my own. That freakin sucked so today I just drove around stores and people take WAY too long at stop signs sometimes. I wanted to honk my horn, but that's just freakin obnoxious and I hate it when people do it anyway. Cleaned out, washed and Febreezed my car today. Feels so awesome to say my car y'know? And today I realized that I'll never be able to make anyone happy with/about me. They will always want something more of me. Always want me to do better even if I did my best in it. Kind of sucks knowing that I can never satisfy the people that I want to. Almost makes me want to say: Why bother? But I do try for myself and for people who can't. Thanks for all the welcome backs, you guys. I heart you all. (: Much love.

So maybe I can resurrect myself and start posting just a little bit more. It'll never be the same because with each entry I'll keep waiting and anticipating her comments and words to be said that always made me feel like that I was listened to for once. But they'll never come again... will I ever be able to get over that fact? Probably not. But I've accepted that and let it be... Most important thing in my life: I got my license! Yeah.. and by this weekend Thomas will have bought a new car and his '98 Sonata will be mine. Mine to drive anywhere I want. When the time comes where I need to get out of the house - I can take it. I love it. So for those who care: I'm back. Running away doesn't make things better. Facing them doesn't always either but I'm tired or cowering away from things that remind me of them. I only want to be happy - is it really too hard to ask. Much love, bitches.

My birthday wasn't remembered by most people. Will my existence/life be like that? Are you going to forget me? It's over. Been fun. Hit me, knock me out and let me go back to sleep..

Steps ascend to a loaded gun. The scent of matches hangs in the air. We don't want to see this: a flash of light that's letting go of an empty bullet case, by the time it hits the ground, I'm out of reach. Let go. --- So it is Monday - the end of weekend, a weekend in which people do things. Have I? Maybe. I had a driving range thing to do for Driver's Ed where he had these cones set up to do different things, I did swell with the driving up and turning and the whole weaving in and out until it came to driving all the way forward and having to reverse in a straight line. ... I DIDN'T DO IT! Hah. I hit a cone the first time and then got two down my second time. I was the only person who did that too! It was so pathetic. I guess the fact that I have never been able to cut or draw in straight lines will affect how I cannot reverse correctly. ^.^ And this is why you should fear me on March 12, 2005 as it is the supposed date of me having a license. What else did I do on Saturday? I tagged along with my mother to Kohl's and then Target on Saturday and I am still trying to think of the reason as to why. To get out of the house? Maybe? Either way it was very boring as both stores have really bad clothes and that was why my mom said I should come. I did get this pink Hello Kitty cup when I was at Target! It is SO awesome, it has a straw on the outside and it goes around the outside of the cup so that's how you drink it. Hah! It even has little duckies on it too. Jess is cool, YOU are not. My mother forced me to do a major clean out of my room on Sunday, that was even more FUN! I did find my cell phone after I had lost it for at least four months. Where was it? Under the frickin bed! So now that I have found it again I went back to texting all the people that I used to. I felt loved everytime the phone beeped to show I had a text because the people actually remembered me. I really don't like people to call me since I am against the phone as it is, but if anyone wants to text me and make me feel all happy the number is 678-438-4599. Two weeks from today I go back to school. Do you know how much that fucking sucks? TWO WEEKS! AHHHHH! I am also going to be an older sister again on Friday when John and Nick return from Philadelphia with my dad. Yeck. I was enjoying not having them around every day... I guess going back to school is good in the fact that I am now an Upperclassmen and it brings me just one year closer to leaving. But, IT'S SCHOOL! -le sigh- It's also back to school shopping this week. I hate going. My hair is getting dyed on Wednesday or Thursday. In perfect time for my dad to see it and fall in love since I am going to a Braves game with them on Saturday. Hah. Now lets all laugh at Jess... I fell down our steps this morning, thankfully no one was home to see or anything. I have to limp as I can barely put any weight on my left foot and on my arm there is a large scratch and my head is throbbing with one of the worst headaches I have ever had. Laugh it up... Would you rather... Have regular encounters with aliens and not have any proof OR have your best friend be invisible? -_- All the time we've wasted, spent fighting, it's blood and it's running down the stairs. Freeze the frame between the gun shot and the hole it makes, a spinning bullet waits in the middle. There's no way to stop it, it will surely hit the mark. You can try to understand, but I'm giving up...

Walk alone. I stare at the foot prints of my life. I think I lost you when I began to run away so far. So far away from home. Your approval was the only crown I seek. I no longer doubt myself. Too long I've walked in shadows of my worst enemies. Was it worth the game to lose our purities? --- Drivers Ed classes started on Monday, two days down and only three more to go are the only positive words I can use in referance to that class. It is six hours spent in the room with the thirty minute lunch break and the one fifteen minute break at 9:45 and another at 1:00. The class starts at 8:00 lunch is from 11:00 - 11:30. You tell me how much "fun" it is. It is exactly like your typical class period though, you have the group of idiots who never stop talking and when they are talking it is about nothing intelligent at all, then you have the group of girls who never stop talking and act all friendly to the teacher. Then you have me, the person who sits in the back and says nothing; that is, if I am not sleeping. Hah. I feel asleep today when we were supposed to be reading the chapter about drunk driving I just put my head down and drifted into dreams of a land of candy? Three more days... My hair? It is to be dyed before I return back to school in Twenty days. The color it is going to be now? Purple! I am SO cool and you all know it. I saw Anchorman with my mother on Sunday, it was not as funny as I thought, but man that Brick or Breck weather guy made the whole entire movie. LOUD NOISES!!!!!! I go around yelling that when I drop something or get mad at the cat for making something fall or throwing up. Haha. Because again I am SO cool and that is the only explanation behind it. I want to be all serious about this entry but my mood at this moment will not let me do so otherwise so lets it make it a survey in addition to my continuation of the AFI party for Erika? Maybe the complete boredom and having to wake up at 6:45 has gotten me to be all "wanting to spin in my chair instead of typing" mood. Who knows! Erika [idespair] HAS RETURNED FROM AUSTRALIA! YAY!! So before she left I told her I was going to give her an AFI party, and an AFI party she shall get because why? Jess is cool! WELCOME BACK, ERIKA! I HOPE YOUR TIME IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY WAS SUPER-DI-DUPER FANTASTIC!! The AFI music is playing all night long in honor of you and though it isn't the guys or anything; you can just look at yours and mine header pics and revel in that instead. GUMMMI BEARS TOO!! And Liz, when you come back from Florida I am going to do something of this same sort, just for YOU! And also for Nadia when she comes back from that horrible place. Why? YOU know why! ...The survey I stole from Liz... [EMO]. xx.Do you enjoy depressing music? Uhm, define depressing music. Arlene calls AFI depressing music. Moneca calls Muse and The Cure depressing music. I guess I do then? xx.What makes you sigh? Boredom... xx.How many hours a day, on average, do you spend feeling sorry for yourself? 24 hours, yes, even when I am sleeping. ... xx.Who or what always brings you down? People, in general. There are exceptions. xx.Do you wear glasses? Nope. 20/20 vision right here. xx.What frightens you? Bugs, frogs, snakes, lizards, all of those cold-blooded creatures freak me out. Was I supposed to give an "emo" answer there? Fine.. people scare me. -goes and cries in corner- xx.Do you wear sweaters all the time? I do not even own one sweater. xx.What makes you tick? Uhm... ? xx.How many times has your heart been broken? My heart isn't broken, silly. xx.What do you think of Dashboard Confessional? I actually had the CD burned for me [didn't want it] but then I played frisbee with Friskie with it. I would toss it, she would move it with her paws in weird directions, if we were lucky it would be near me. I know that stupid "Vindicated" or whatever song it is for Spiderman because of my new listening to the radio late at night after Conan. .[PUNK]. xx.Tell me about that time you broke that law! I didn't... xx.What or who pisses you off? ppl u who alwayz talk like this and want 2 talk 2 u and get all bit** on u when u tell them to fu** off bc they didnt do anythin to be mean they just wanted to chat but like they dont say anythin but lol after every thing u type or say things that u can never understand xx.Would you rather date a sissy or a homebody? Hah! That reminds of the Bert is my homeboy shirt! Or was it homebody? I don't know, but I want it. xx.Sex or drugs or breaking stuff? Breaking things while having SEX. ..... xx.The Clash or The Ramones? Neither xx.What do you think about Anarchy? Stupid xx.Tell me about a prank you played! I'll pass, your not cool enough to know. xx.Do you do things that are "bad for your body"? Not as much.. xx.How many times have/were you kicked out of that place?! What place? I was kicked out of a bathroom once for goofing off inside it. We were having a water fight at the co-ed bathroom. Is that that place? xx.Are you in trouble all the time? yea my days are spent in the office. pfft. I am sleeping all the time. .[GOTH]. xx.Do you want to die? Sure, why not? xx.What do you think about graveyards? People are put into fancy boxess, there is a funeral, fancy box is lowered into ground, dirt piled on top and slowly grass starts to grow there and the grave is forgotten about twenty years later. xx.Do you write poetry often? No. xx.How much black clothing do you own? Damn, I knew this question was coming. The only other color I own is red and my pink/black chucks and low top pink converse. xx.What type of makeup do you wear? Eyeliner, mascara, sometimes there is a little bit of glitter on the eyelids but not often. xx.What do you think about pain? Its better than love... xx.Masochism or sadism? masochism xx.How do you feel about the rest of the world? Do I care? I am not going to see half of the world so I live on it, and the human race is doomed 2000 years from now. xx.Do you cry often? Yes. Isn't this supposed to be under emo? xx.What do you think about vampires? If you don't know just by how I sign my name, then you will not know how I feel about them. .[METAL]. xx.How messy are you in general? Haha. I started bleeding because I stepped on an unknown object in my room last night. Yeah, its messy.. xx.Do you bang your head on things repeatedly? I already get enough headaches in one day, I do not need to get one purposely, thank you. xx.What do you think of mullets? Jade pulled off a sexy mullet looking thing once. It was odd looking, but only Jade made it look like cool hair. xx.When did you start drinking alchohol? Last summer. xx.Do you go to concerts often? If I had money I would. xx.What bands rock your pants off? Do you really want to know? xx.What do you think about violence? That there is a hotline for it... xx.Who or what makes you homicidal? When I play songs backwards since that is what everyone on the AFI boards are doing and it "tells" me to worship the devil or kill myself. xx.Worship Satan or practice black magic? NO xx.How wild are you in general? Wild in the bed, hell yeah! .[GRUNGE]. xx.Are you wearing any clean clothes right now? They just got out of the dryer at 6:30 this morning xx.How often do you do the laundry? When there is nothing left to wear.. xx.Do you wear flannel shirts a lot? I don't even own one. xx.When was the last time you showered? This morning xx.Do you speak clearly? Uhm.. yeah? xx.Are you a lazy person? The laziest xx.Do you play any instruments? I wish.. xx.Who or what do you rant about a lot? Everything xx.Empathy or Sympathy? Empathy xx.What do you think about Nirvana? they're overrated, and if Kurt Cobain hadn't died, they wouldn't be half as famous. [Sorry Liz, I liked what you said and couldn't change it.] .[INDIE]. xx.What makes you different from the rest of them? Uh.. I think before speaking? xx.Who or what makes you bitter? Elitists! xx.What was the last big decision you made? I haven't made a big decision, or any decision for that matter without changing my mind thirty times. Would deciding I want a lip piercing for my birthday no matter what anyone says count as a decision? xx.Are you a happy-go-lucky type of person? NO xx.What do you think about conformity? I conform to no one! Well, okay, I conform to Moneca's fat God because he beat my God that failed to carry his message to me. [Not serious] xx.How hard do you work to get what you want? Not hard enough... xx.What do you resent? Ask me later... xx.Why might some people consider you to be an asshole? I don't listen to what they have to say/suggest, "I hate everything and everyone," I refuse to take part in group activities, I won't let you win an argument if I know your wrong. xx.Do you trust others? No xx.Are you a loyal friend? No.. .[RAP]. xx.Do you live in the ghetto? Fuck yes. o.O xx.Have you ever even held a gun before? A water gun. xx.How much bling do you own? Uh. I have a watch that changes colors with every second. xx.Would you rather have your best friend be a wangsta or a wigga? Say you wangsta! And you need to stop frontin'! xx.Would you rather be bustin' caps or rollin' joints? I rather be bustin' yo' ass! xx.Big butts or big boobs? ........ xx.What's your best pickup line? Hey xx."Fo' Sho" or "Yeah, son"? Yeah, son I fo' sho' the best cat on this block. xx.What race are most of your friends? I ain't no racist! xx.Ever been to prison? No .[POP]. xx.Who or what makes you so excited you piss your pants? AFEEE Bwaha. xx.Prep or Yuppie? What the deuce is a yuppie? xx.How much money do you spend on bad music? Bad music? None.... xx.Justin Timberlake or Nick Carter? JT! xx.How many of your friends still listen to NKOTB? NKOTB? -thinks- OHHHH! Uh. No one!! xx.Do you like mainstream music? Not really; there are always exceptions though. XX.you want to be a pop diva? Too cool for that attitude biotch. xx.How many times, on average, do you say "like" in a sentece? I avoid it. xx.OMIGOD or OMG? Neither xx.Ditsy or just plain stupid? I lack what one calls common sense. Would you rather... Marry someone really old for $5 million hoping your spouse will die soon, but he or she doesn't -OR- get divorced from someone who wins the lottery a week after the divorce is finalized? -_- I won't wear the crown of thorns. Won't wear the mask of Judas. I'll never be who you want me to be. You'll never see the beauty I see. Mark me for death. Mask me for torture. I hope you see my face on your death bed. You played the role of the angel. Now you'll se my face in hell. You fooled my mind with your selfish ambition...

I can't remember when it was good moments of happiness elude. Maybe I just misunderstood all of the love we left behind. Watching the flash back intertwine. Memories I will never find. And I 'll feel my world crumbling. I'll feel my soul crumbling away and falling away. Falling away with you... Today, is the day that I must say goodbye to Moneca. Last time we spent time together, no much was said between us and I was on their computer downstairs and she was on hers and it was the same way when she came to my house. This year, we spoke of the actual things that I like to voice my opinion too and actually have someone listen/agree with me. So no, the ten days were not spent discussing hair [unless it involved how I am to dye my hair next], how "hott" guys are; well when she was looking through my yearbook she did that; but who doesn't? She let me speak about the idiot of a President we are faced with, gays, school, war, Jesus/God without interrupting me about being wrong and to stop hating everything. I did the same for her. I think she is the first friend [in face to face conversation] that has actually agreed with me in almost everything that I have disagreed with and despised; even people. For those that really do not know, Moneca [Monica is real name] has been in my life as a friend probably before we were able to walk, though at the time we really were not friends; just our parents. Then pre-school came and we were unseparable in that time and in kindergarten until I had to Catholic school for 1st and 2nd grade. What I really mean to say is that, in the movies, those people's best friends who have known each other since grade school, that would be us. Except we really are not that close as they are. Also, what I meant by these sentences is that I will miss her once she does leave on that plane to return back to her home in Philly [well she moved out of Philly and now resides in Ben Salem, but it is only 30 minutes or so from where we used to live anyway.] Never have I spoken these words about friends about over the summer or when Jessie moved, the only exception was Courtny and now she is not even speaking to me through phone, email, IM - any form of it. It was time well spent... I found myself laughing in addition to making the very unusual jokes for the first time and having some meaning behind it for the first time in a few months. So, this is my goodbye to Precious... ^.^ Sunday, we found ourselves eating at Olive Garden so I could have myself some of those wicked awesome breadsticks of their's. Afterwards we went over to Media Play so the 48 dollars I had in my wallet could disappear; which it did. I bought three CDs: Muse, Bleeding Through, Placebo and Moneca wanted A Perfect Circle and Coheed & Camrbia, but they did not have Co & Ca so she ended up getting A Perfect Circle and Benny and Joon on DVD. Heh, we watched it on the car ride back home and I must have done something good in getting her to actually like it enough to purchase it. More things that have rubbed off on us since we have spent a good three weeks with each other? I now find myself a watcher of that Joe Schmo show, she finds herself watching Monk and also Conan every night when he comes on the tele. ^.^ I just cannot help but smile when this happens. I guess just because for once, someone actually took part in things I enjoy without giving excuses as to why they will not watch/do or even enjoy it, or even having me to convince them of things. I gave up on that when I try to explain to my "friends" at school why rock and metal are music as compared to their rap or Christian music choices. Also, on Friday we found ourselves sitting in attendance to some Fayette Idol event, it was quite boring as the MC was this supposed stand-up comic, but he told really stupid and lame jokes and ended up hitting on the young fourteen-year-old girls, even if they did not look fourteen to begin with; still incredibly disgusting and pedophile material. We got bored after we found out who the five finalists were and walked over to the "carnival" that was ocurring. There was not much excitement to it, I did see John [not brother, kid from Biology class]. Hah. Moneca did not like him, I cannot help but stare at the kid. I guess he is just one of those people that personality makes him so much better looking, in addition to music choices. He was grrreat to talk about guitars and bands with. We were supposed to go to the Battle of the Bands at the same place the stupid Idol thing was held, but there was nothing there when we went at five when it said it was scheduled. That pissed me off... Anyone located in Georgia wants to go with me in attendance to Conyers next Wednesday for their Battle of the Bands they have? Hah. I found out the phone number and directions for the American Tavern, where it is held, a week late... Also, on Sunday we went to some Deli/Pub called Loco's and I was wearing my heartagram shirt and the girl that was showing us to our table turns around and says "I like your shirt." I give the usual non-meant thanks and then next thing she asks is: "Do you like Bam or HIM?" What the deuce? Bam is NOT part of the band so why even bother asking that. And if I did like Bam I would wear an effin Bam shirt not the symbol of a BAND. Grrr... This is why I hate Georgia, I am constantly faced and surrounded in idiocy. She then went on to explain that she is obsessed with the lead singer and has pictures of him all over her car and room and even some post cards that she got at Hot Topic.... I asked her if she knew his name and she just shrugged and giggled. "Who cares? He's hott!!" I wanted to strangle her right there on the spot. As I was complaining of this to Monica, my mom just said "she was trying to be friendly, Jess. Let it go." The one waitor guy was extremely nice looking though, that was the ONE good thing about the place and the experiences inside it. I wanted his earrings, but my mother said no to getting my ears stretched. Why? I still do not know as to the reason for her saying no... Pfft. I want piercings and tattoos, but my mother keeps saying no except for the lip piercing when I turn 16. This is the time I wish that I was just three years older; did I mention how much I hate you for this reason alone, Attila? Of course I have... Oh! Also, because I love these questions I am to finish each entry starting with this one with a "Would you rather..." question that I have gotten from the Zobmondo game. It is a wicked awesome game and very fun to play, or just read the questions since some of them are very hard to choose. So yes, I expect you to answer the question; either with the simple I would choose that or explain why or why not. Do I care? No. Just as long as you answer it. That is not too much is it? Would you rather... Be imprisoned for murder with the public thinking you didn't do it -OR- remain free with the public thinking you did? -_- Staying awake to chase a dream, tasting the air you're breathing in. I know you won't forget a thing. Promise to hold you close, watching the fantasies decay. Nothing will ever stay the same. All of the love we threw away, all of the hopes we cherished fade. Making the same mistakes again...

I don't hear from you no more, but I get the message. You crashed your car through my front door. I pulled you from the wreckage. You told me that you missed me, but you meant with the grill and hood. You'd kill me if you could... --- So it has been a week and two days since the last signs of myself on this always lovely site. Don't know if this was to be noticed except maybe by people who are not here at this moment to do so? Jess, as I have mentioned a few times before, had left last Wednesday afternoon for Philadelphia. There it was: John and myself sitting in the way back of the van, Nick in the one seat that was still left in it in the middle of the van, Thomas and the madre in the front alternating turns at driving. Road trips are quite the boring things especially when with younger brothers who refuse to watch the movies that you had put into the car. By the second day going, I did convince them to watch Pirates of the Caribbean [My 50th time or so watching it] and Edward Scissorhands. We stayed at my mom's Uncle Dick and Aunt Kathy's house in Smithville, North Carolina. Hah! It was worse than Fayetteville. Never did I think I would ever find a town worse than that where I reside now. So after spending the night there and being spoiled like a grandchild we were on the road again... -_- We arrived at Philadelphia on Thursday evening around 8:30. The first stop was bringing the younger brothers of myself to the padre's house. He didn't comment on my hair, he just said hello and before he could say anything else I ran up the steps and pretended that I had to go to the bathroom. Yes, I avoid things. Yes, it gets me out of confrontations and other problems that may arise. Yes, I know I have relied on it for everything in my life. ... When I came back downstairs he was standing there holding these objects in his hands and all I could think was how stupid are they going to be this time? He will never fail to give those really shitty things for presents and gifts, I tell you that. He handed to me a red white and blue/patriotic planner because "my room is red/white/blue." Also he handed to me this packet about the Smith System some lame bullshit about driving classes that he had to take for work. It was "so I could know some of the stuff they might teach me in drivers classes." Yes, six hours for FIVE days they will teach me shit that I really don't want to know. I don't think I need some more driving bull shit about the roads. -_- Oh! And the best one of them all? He gave to me a Javy Lopez bobble head doll of him on the Orioles! -gaspeth- It was so... beautiful! Does anyone want to have my father for their own? He will actually give you something to complain about day in and day out. After that lovely ten minutes or so inside my dad's house we left for Moneca's house in Ben Salem. That was where I stayed for the length of us being there. From Thursday until Sunday morning. We didn't do much so I will not go to explaining all the boredom of things since I do that almost everyday as it is. Yes, I have also established that Virginia is a state far off worse than that of Georgia. We stopped at some odd town and went into a Johnny Appleseed restaurant. O.O Holy hell, it was the weirdest place ever. They had everything in there apple related themed. Then they gave us complimentary apple fritters - Moneca and myself just stared at them and laughed. That's not even the worse of it. As we were looking and discussing the things on the menu this lady comes up and stands beside me and all of sudden is touching my head/hair before finally commenting and being much ecstatic "Oh! I love this color! It is so pretty! What can I get you all to drink?" I had to let everyone else get their orders first so I could find my words again. She...touched...my...hair... I was so freaked/weirded out by that. This being myself, the person who barely lets anyone touch me in any sort of embrace. Speaking of that, we were listening to a radio station and we were told that couples who hug for at least 20 seconds everyday will lower their stress levels and will help produce Oxycontin in women, the hormone that make women be more nurturing and loving. Haha! What a great trip back that was, maybe it was the whole driving without stopping at any hotel thing that made it so much more amusing? So that was the "not going into details" version of Jess' five days away from the computer. So here I am, returned to this lovely town, lovely computer, lovely internet and most of all: This lovely site! Yayness. The words of Jess will now return to you all for them to be read and taken seriously. Hah! Like they ever were... Great days and nights to you all! And who lives in a state that fireworks are illegal? Does it not suck when 4th of July comes that you cannot play with your own and make your very own fire and stare in amazement? -disappears in a cloud of purple smoke but reappears for some last updates- Update since when I wrote this it was Tuesday afternoon and the site stopped working when I went to update so now this is my update from Wednesday afternoon: Everyone must go watch/rent The People Under the Stairs! It was so effin amusing and probably the coolest horror movie that was not at all that scary, but more or less having to stare at psycho "parents." Those children whom were in the cellar are my new best friends. I told Moneca I want to mingle with the boys whom had either heard, spoke or seen EVIL! -gaspeth- Seriously, they were SO cool. Well, cool from what I saw of them in the flick. We also watched Butterfly Effect and Uptown Girls - which was the opposite of The People Under the Stairs and extremely lame/stupid as it was very predictable and the always typical movies with rich people in it. Butterfly Effect was pretty good I guess, it was funny to laugh at all the STUPID mistakes he made when he went back and then I thought it was exactly like Identity and the person was crazy and imagined it all, but then Moneca explained that it was him, again, going back in time and he really wasn't insane. That was the most confusing part of it... Now I really will disappear as Moneca wants to play some Simpsons: Road Rage on the PS2. Its ever so fun.... -disappears in a cloud of BLACK smoke this time- This is a permanent solution to a temporary problem... -_- And it's okay, I'll just grab my shit and leave. I won't say one word. I'll keep my tricks up my sleeve. Flew off of the handle, you opened fire on me. Put me down, put me out of misery. I'm fatally yours.

This rage has overcome. No more will I shun those thoughts I've had. This lie I've lived. I let them put the blame on me. Engulfed in hate, retaliate. You can't conceal these thoughts. You can't disguise this rage. You have overstepped your boundaries... --- I was told/read in a few entries of people on this always lovely site that it is to be shutting down. I guess I am upset by it? Is that what I should be? Honestly, it is just like everything else that has come to endings in this life of mine except through this I have actually gained friendships to some extent, and no longer speaking to them, I guess I would have to say that I would miss their words. Since I have come to realize that I need these online journal things more than I ever thought - I have created another one at a different location for those who read this now and would like to continue reading my words. It is at blurty and my username is saltforwounds [same as on DF boards] but I will probably leave that and finally give in to both Sarah and Attila's pleadings for me to join livejournal. Maybe I will just leave this place before it actually has the chance to be shut down. -shrug- Maybe the change of diary places is needed for the same reasons that I continue to change my AIM alias and only tell few people that I have changed it. Becuase I run from things, and in this case it would be people, people whom insist on fighting with me over stupid things. People whom continue to ask questions of how I live my life. People whom would rather watch me fall further than I have ever been before. The same as I run from saying what I really think to many of the people in my real life. The same reason that when I am asked "What's wrong?" by my mother or anyone else that my reply is no when it is quite the opposite. How do you explain that nothing was ever really "okay?" That I can no longer remember a time when I actually felt happy? Dana came over the other day and after I lied to her and told her that I we were about to leave for the store I disappeared upstairs to go get shoes on, as I was leaving the house, just not to go to the store but to walk far back into the woods and sit on the leaf ground while waiting for the rain to arrive. When I came back downstairs I saw that she had left, but left behind a bible and a roseary. There was a note sticking out of the horrid book, and it is sitting on my top bunk. Moving gently with the wind created from my ceiling fan. Do I really want to open it and read the words in which she could have written? Are they really worth reading at all? I do not want to listen to her bullshit anymore. I do am tired of her continously trying to change me, to make me a better person. She says she is doing it out of friendship, but if that be the case would she not accept who I am and let it be? My mother still wants to know what I have against Dana for not speaking to her anymore. I never told her the real fights, just the really stupid ones that Dana started. No, I have lied to my mother, in addition to many other people, about everything in my life. Everything is hidden behind lies, for the fear of being discovered. I fear what happened at school with Joanna - people to just suddenly care. I do not want that sudden attention and caring of what I am thinking or doing. If I confess out loud to someone about those things, then that is going to be exactly what happens. It is not what Jess wants in her life. I dropped one of our glass cups last night on "accident." I gathered the three largest pieces and pocketed them in my jeans before going to clean up the rest and left a note since everyone was asleep saying that what I did was an accident when I was getting one out to get some water. What was done with those pieces need not to be explained as it speaks for itself. Mark has done his damage on myself again. He called the house around ten last night and after our usual words of arguments were exchanged he said to me - "Go ahead and go cry some more to all your other friends, the ones that will never know the real you because you are living your two lives, Jess. You are living out what you want to be and who you really are. How long is it before you let the two collide and end your fear of being murdered and do it yourself? Then you can find out if there is a God and a hell and you can see just how many people lied to you in your life when your funeral is to come." Why is that everyone says friends are better than family? When, Mark had to speak those words to me and cause the realization that I am alone to slap me back in the face. Mark had been my friend since 7th grade - now he is the one person I hate more than anything. Is that how it is supposed to work? Why do people force the fact that you must have friends to be happy? Why does my mother always urge for me to call up friends and have them over just to hang out? Friends have done nothing for me in my real life. Am I really that cast out of what is defined as normal that I really am my own best friend? Again, these questions are to go unanswered as I desperately seek the true meaning to the purposes of people's words when they say - "You need more friends, not just a computer to give attention to." Both Kaitlyn and Arlene told me that this morning. Maybe not the words exactly, but both their meanings were pretty clear. So what is it that I am doing today? Laying on the carpet of my room floor after I complete the needed things on the computer. I will fall asleep on the floor, I will awake on the floor and I will continue my sprawled out condition until there is a waking desire to move the limbs of my body. Did I mention that the hair turned out more pink than the first time? I did now, since it will be clear from my mind the next time I am to type here. Welcome the days of nothingness... This is a permanent solution to a temporary problem... -_- Now I've got your back against the wall. Forever trapped, staring through the eyes of a criminal. A broken home, left alone. An excuse you used, don't bullshit me. Save all the breath that you can breathe. Engulfed in flames, Incinerate. You can't conceal my thoughts and you can't disguise my hate. Staring through my eyes...

Worn our and faded. The weakness starts to show. They've created the generation that we know. Washed up and hated, the system moves too slow. They give us answers to questions they don't even know. You made it, you played it. Your shit is overrated... --- Ah, so here it is Katilyn the stupid answer to your even more stupid questions at odd points of the IM conversations. What feeling do I hate? I hate the feeling, as in emotions, of love. I also cannot stand when someone wakes you up from your sleep - especially when one finds sleep without the help of Nyquil. No matter what the hour of breaking the sleep that one finds them in it will never cease to make the day go so much worse and take so much longer for me to actually want to be moving and walking around. Which is something I will have to be doing for at least four hours... Please, pray to that nonexistent God that it rains this afternoon to spare me from having to experience Whitewater water park. The so-called rides are quite boring and not worth the lines one would stand in, and almost guaranteed are the stares in which I will receive. I think what should be done is that I lift a certain finger towards anyone who wants to glance to myself longer than the normal account. Yes, that will provide my amusement for the day since there will be at a complete lack of it as it is. ^.^ The reason for going? Nick is having his b-lated birthday party there, he is bringing Adam and Tony along and John and myself are going to be going off on our own. -- Update as of 11: 40 A.M. the next day due to the site not working last night -- Oh, I really do hate water parks and six flags with more than anything. Next year, I am staying home when they go both of the places each summer. Yes, not to run from people, but to keep my annoyances away. Sounds good, yes? The better of me leaving the cursed place after seven hours or so after being there? Ne'er having to return for a year. Yay! I also enjoyed the lovely dyke, lesbian and other similiar comments directed to me at different points of the day. I also got "cussed out" when we were on the highly stupid lazy river and I mocked these girls that were sitting on the wall flirting with the male lifeguard. I said "Oh! Look at me! I am flaunting my chest at you! Matt, please lets go make out and fuck by the lockers!" loud enough for them to hear when they had taken the male's shoes and the only repsonse I got was a "fuck off" from the two girls and the lifeguard to cry from laughing. The guys that were with them made "ooo" sounds in my direction like those two words they said meant anything. My middle finger was raised to many people in addition to the usual stupid phrase "Go to hell." Which really does offend people greatly, Erika. I guess I made the better of the horrible situation I found myself in then? My fun was found in pissing people off - not the stupid water rides. Stay away from water parks... I am getting my hair cut and the color re-done today at one. I think after the color fades out this time I am going to put the color to blonde so that way the pink will show up much better and I can change over to blue, purple or other not natural hair colors when it fades out. Oh, it is mucho exciting and we all know it. I dislike spending times with the hair dresser even a half hour inside that place make me want to just run out of there. I need it done though so I guess I cannot just run then. So I have a plea of impossibility, but I would like to see how many kind-hearted people there are and will actually offer or "give" me this: I need some more effin money so I can buy Secret Window on DVD and The Cure's newest album when it is released also another AFI shirt. Anyone want to give some dinero to me for those purposes? I would love you forever and ever. ^.^ Moving on, this so-called great thing known as Beta Club makes me have to do service hours so my mother read about volunteers needed for the Fayette Senior Center so for one day each week I get to go up there from 9-1 to assist senior citizens with games and arts and crafts. What joys... -_- Again, I repeat what was said earlier. Happy 18th birthday to you, Attila. Another easier favor that I ask of you all whether you know her or not, go visit antichrist diary today and tell her those two very easy words to type - Happy Birthday. She's 18... That has to mean something doesn't it? Oh right, she's legal!?? It is something that is not hard to ask of you all is it? Have mucho fun being carted away by people giving you their gifts, enjoy the party that your mother insisted on throwing for you and my cat will always be better than yours - even if your name will be better than the normality of Friskie. -gives Attila all the vegan goodies she could ever have including those Pumpkin vegan muffins you so missed oh and those ABC cookies you told me of- The day is yours to enjoy, dearest eastbay hardcore bith! Again, I repeat it for you - Happy Birthday! This is my goodbye until the next time I am to arrive and type some more words that speak of the nothing in my days. This is a permanent solution to a temporary problem... -_- Used up and jaded, you're thinking way too slow. So we're creating answers on our own. We can't relate to what you think you know and you create the problems that will never go away...

I'll be coming home just to be alone. Cause I know you're not there, and I know you don't care. I can hardly wait to leave this place. Now matter how hard I try you're never satisfied. This is not a home, I think I'm better off alone. You always disappear, even when you're here This is not my home... --- So the six days have ended and those passed days bring the return of Jess. Yay? It was sucn an effin boring time between the hotel and car rides - yet I am going to be doing more or less the same thing in eight days. Six to seven hours a day for going to Philadelphia only to stay for three days at Moneca's house and have to get back in the car and do it again. Psh, enough complaining about what is to come in days ahead at least this time while away from home I will be to get on the computer at her house, since I am addicted to the internet and all. We all, or most, all ready do know that. Pst, -points to comments of last entry- Thanks for 'em if you did leave them. And now to the details of my ever so wonderful trip... Friday - We drove six hours down in the van and my time was spent sleeping for the first three of it and then John, Jordan, Nick and myself played mini-games from Mario Party 5 on the Gamecube and watched 8 Crazy Nights until we stopped at a Wendys and I got slapped in the head with the bathroom door. That fucking hurt like crazy, had a huge cut on my forehead after the bump finally swelled down. The hotel pool, after we went on the first day, caused all the pink/red color in my hair to come out so now its mucho ugly in its color. I have to go get it done again or I may just put it back to black... Who knows? Then, later that day we followed Jordan's dad out to the "beach" and the whole sand on hands in swim suit factor did not appeal to me much so I just sat in my chair on the sand the whole time until the end and sand was thrown at me by the lovely John and Jordan. I hated it as much as I hated the cursed hotel beds that I am never able to fall asleep on, not that I find sleep at my own home either. Saturday - I stayed at the hotel while they went and played their baseball games. The mall was right across the street from where we stayed, but was a sorry excuse for one - it being one story and all the stores sucked so my times was spent inside Waldenbooks. I read this book called Cut it described what I do each night so perfectly... "Cuts never too deep to kill, but just enough to feel the pain." Three and a half houes spent in that store. Woot woot! We went back to the beach again and John, Nick, and Jordan dragged me to the water after I was only having fun becoming a little kid again and getting shells for my madre. So frickin nasty getting dragged across sand and having it all in the hair, down my swim shorts and in my shirt that I use when swimming. Sunday - We went with Cody and his brother and Cameron, and Danny also came along [he came with us everywhere] and I just laid out on a towel and listened to the always wonderful AFI, before we left afiter it had been thundering so on the way back it started pouring heavily and lightning on the water on the side of us, since we were on the bridge and all. It was something beautiful... Monday we went to some Blackwater River place to go tubing with Danny and his parents. All was well until the same storm as the day before appeared and us, being in water had to climb up this steep sand hill to go under this gazebo for "shelter." Again, the storm was so wicked beautiful - I loved the sound of the thunder, and the rain hitting the roof and water; I revelled in the sight of the lightning in the sky. To think people could be afraid of them or run to be out of the rain when it does occur. Why? So there is the shortened details and spoked words of my six days in Pensacola, Florida. June 18 to June 22. Did I enjoy it? I enjoyed the sight of red rinsing with the clearer water and running down the drain after my razor's "kiss" each night. I enjoyed all the stares I got when I was at the pool or at the beach only because I chose to wear guys' swim shorts and a tank top instead of what is "normal." I also enjoyed all the usual stares when I walked through the mall or pretty much anytime I left the hotel room. Again, another stupid exampe of the people's stupid reactions to someone that does not conform to their wishes... This is a permanent solution to a temporary problem... -_- By the time you come home I'm already stoned. You turn off the t.v. and you scream at me. I can hardly wait 'til you get off my case. This house is not a home. I'm better off alone...

In the veins of the ultraviolet light, the phosphor is starting a fire, shooting up in the iodine: it's turning on. Rupture the wall around my heart. I feel so lost, I've been shaking. You can't save me. Every bird in mid-flight is calling out your name before it hits the window and sings the rapture. Without a second opinion the chemicals saturate to counteract the code. --- So this is the last entry for six days. John has a baseball tournament in Pensacola, Florida as I have already mentioned once before on here. So in the van down it is: John, Nick, Jordan, my mother and Jess. It will be the same on the way back on Tuesday too. The ride is going to be as long as six to seven hours. I have my music, which, yes mother it can very well and easily become my life. My time will not be spent at the baseball games but at the hotel room, pool or the mall that is right near the hotel. I have no money, but who knows the fun someone will have by themselves in a mall. John brought up criticism again by the fact that I will not be wearing shorts while we are there nor will I be having any colors. All the colors I owned were burned, and when I did that he still had his many comments to make. He says I am going to be hot - do I really care? Whether I am in shorts and a tank top or black pants and a black tee the temperature will still be the same either way. I really think I am the living joke amonst my family, both immediate and the Aunts and Uncles and their children... Six days without the internet at my hands; how the fuck am I to survive that? Making the trip with me is the very trusted razor blade in addition to the bottle of vodka I got from Andrew when I went over to his house earlier today. That is all that will be spent to pass my days and nights quickly by. I was asked what my addiction was and my first response was the internet, which it is since I am pondering what I am going to do without it for not even one week. Then I looked to my arms, my ankles and elsewhere and my other reply was cutting. Erin, Michelle, and David were all able to stop for at least three weeks. David overcame the fight without medication and I saw him the other day inside Eckerd and he was the typical happy gay male - exactly in behavior that Carson is on Queer Eye. Why can those things never be that simple for myself? Dana called me last night, she asked if I wanted to go with her and her youth group to a cemetary to pray at each of the headstones. She told me that I needed it, and that maybe I now had love for cemetaries or something since I was all big on vampires. What does vampires have to do with a cemetary?! I then asked her that since she will not accept that I do not worship the devil then to go to our neighbor's house and take part in one of his Satanistic rituals since she wants me to do the same with her in the praying and whole church-going sense. She would not do it. So then I asked her - "You want me to come PRAY with you and your friends in hopes to rediscover Christianity/Catholicism, but when I ask you to do the same about the religion you think I am. You won't do it. Why?" My answer was the sound of a hung up phone. Dana if you want to win in your ways, I suggest you have an explanation for you not wanting to take even thirty minutes out of your Christian life to not explore newer places when you said to me not two days ago. "Stop being so stubborn about your beliefs that most people do not care about and just come one day. Its not like you are going to become a follower in that time. I am just trying to open your eyes again." Riight? Also, Answer that and Stay Fashionable.. Fuck off! So, now this is my time to say goodbye to everyone the way I would like to. Everyone being almost everyone online since the "friends" in my real life do not show how much they care for me anymore. Arlene said she would call me after Six Flags and before she left for Boston/Philadelphia/New York. She never did. She was the only person whom I really considered a grreat friend, and even she pointed out what was wrong with me. She brought up the "Are you going to a funeral?" in direction to the all black and that was soon given to Steven and Stephanie and they ask whose funeral I am going to everytime they see me. -_- Again, these are my goodbyes to people I think will actually miss me all the same. I know it is only six days, but six days may bring a death, six days may bring someone getting kicked out. "Time keeps moving whether we want it to or not. It doesn't care that you had a bad day, it will always be there laughing at you because you were never able to make the short days your own. You were never able to live up to what was handed to you when you were born." This said by Attila, who if you have not read her thoughts or do not know who she is have lost what a real friend, even if to never be seen in person, is. Erika do not go get your nails or toes done, ever, but more importantly the six days that I will be away. Keep filling that nothingness with music since that is the only thing that will never change for the worse anymore. Dayna your imperfections make you beautiful and your mother deserves to hear your real intelligence instead of the constant insulting of you. Erin the fight to finally battle your depression will be hard, and may you see nothing but greatness once you are rid of the people who have made you feel the worse. "In order to see the great, optimisitic views of the world. One must first see the negative." This said by David who I mentioned above. Attila I know you are not here to read these words, as you are sitting in Wildwood right now. I love you more than I could ever tell you. I cherish any words you have ever said to me. I look forward to the conversations on IM or the phone that we exchange. You have dealt with far too much that anyone could ask for, but you still fight each day with the same attitude. You, if anyone, have been what I could have ever asked for in friendship - and I have never met you. Sarah you are another lovely person I have been so LUCKY to call my friend through IMs. You are my inspiration each day in things I do. I used to want to be accepted by you, and now I just want to always be there and you the same. My Little Davey I love you for ever coming into my life and staying there. You have not said one negative thing to me, and for that I will always keep you around. You are the friend in real life that I so sought for. Keep singing, keep writing and never abandon. There are many, [nulandvoid] I simply do not know your real name, or else you would have a place and [loucille] if you are still reading my words, you have a place up there as well for everything you have said to me before. These are my parting words... This is a permanent solution to a temporary problem... -_- Alone is all we are, even when we feel this close, it's just a lie we believe... These are the words that escape from our lungs, rupture the walls I've built around my heart. I've been shaking. You can't save me, I'm turning off. We can't find a way out of this moment. We're lost in a dark hallway...

It's said and done, there is no turning back. I've made my choice, now I've gotta face the facts. Within myself, the hunger won't be subdued, because I can't have my cake and eat it too. I'm worn down from fighting with myself. I'll save my life and lose my mental health... --- I dedicate this entry to those who have ever forced their thoughts on me, to the people whom gave me weird stares and the same harsh comments at school, to anyone who wants me to be something that I am not, to everyone who thinks I am nothing but a waste... Dana this is for you. Pst, look below at the kitty and what I could get to showing the hair, the hair that Dana said looked exactly the way people in Hell would wear it. So tell me this... Christians speak out against atheists, gays, Satanists and many other religions? But at what cost is it to them? Are people so narrow-minded that when something that is "different" comes along they cannot accept it? If that not be the case, why then do they continue to make efforts to conform you to what is "normal." Dana, why do you continue to persue me going to church, me giving god a second chance, Jess dressing like YOU? Because people talk that I worship Satan at school? And that bothers you? Why?? I saw a group of five girls from my school while we were at Dixieland today. Finally, after they continued to look to me one of them came over to me while we were mini-golfing and asked, "Do you like dressing up as a guy? And do you really worship Satan? Oh! But I LOOOVE your hair." She went to put her fucking hand to my hair and touch it and I jerked away before she could get within six inches of touching me and then I flicked her off while quoting what my background says and ran to catch up with John, Nick, Tony and my mother since I had only gone back to get another ball since I kind of hit mine into the water. So smooth on me... It was a confrontation like that - that I now know why I do not miss anything about school. I would really love to know who even mentioned that Jess worships the devil because she does not believe in God. If I was to worship, anything, which I don't as that would go against everything I have ever spoke of, it would be AFI. Not some Satan that I do not believe exists any more than God does. There is no heaven or hell, no reincarnation, no second chance to make a better life for yourself, no what you do now will affect your "after life" because there is none of that. I read up on Satanism since Dana said I should become it, and its honestly not what I want at all. It's a religion, and now that I read many sites about what it is, I have come to realize that no religion will ever be right for me. So what are you going to try and do now Dana? Continue your pleas to get me to listen to your Gospel and Christian music? Fight with your views on the world some more? Or would you rather quote an AFI song on me in attempts to get me to at least pray? Maybe if I am to your disliking so much, then maybe, you may finally accept the fact that I hate everything about you! And let our "friendship" become nothing... My Aunt Debi called our house yesterday, and everytime she calls she always asks, "So, any boyfriends yet?" As always, my answer is no and then she is all.. "Oh, give it time. Besides you don't want to bother with them anyway." What is it to her about my social situations? She spoils me with anything and everything I want everytime I see her, which has not been in awhile but it still works out that way - or it did. The last time I saw her was last Christmas and she gave me this really girly watch with words like "hope, faith, love, peace" on it. She made fun of my hair and asked if I was going to be the next Kelly Osbourne and her, my other Aunt and cousins would only call me "Kelly" for the rest of the night. She is just another, of the many in my family, who are forcing the girl image onto myself. Does me not being the typical, getting nails done-skirt wearing-long hair-doing pretty make up instead of "scary"-high heeled and sandal wearing-girl bother them that much? She said that when I come up to ask my mom to take me to her house and that we could go shopping for some NICE clothes. I told my mom that since her own sister refuses to come down here and had stopped talking to her for the longest time just because my mom divorced my dad and moved us down here that she should do the smart thing and not take me. Nice clothes means buying dresses that I was forced to wear when I was younger. Nice means having to dye my hair back to brown and have blonde highlights in it. Nice is getting me in high heeled open toed sandals. Nice would be buying and adding colors that I will be forced to wear. Nice is transforming me into her *perfect* daughter, Amy. I decided that I will not be going up to Philadelphia to stay with my father for the month. He also tried to convince me to call our grandmother, Mootzie, as we are forced to call her on the 18 since that is her annivesary. What are they doing? Doing some sort of thing to make sure we do not become the worst grandkids or children possible? Do they just sit on the phone and talk about all the fuck-ups that we have ever done? I do know that my dad calls my grandmother every fucking night. We were at a hotel and after dinner he calls from there. I swear, if we would not come up and Laura and John Paul were not at her house then he would probably be living with his own mom. He was for the first two years after we moved and we had to come up. It's not like he has a mental disablilty and she HAS to care for him. Am I the only person to find this pathetic about my own father? Did I mention that he goes over EVERY Sunday night for dinner too? Also, when we are out of his house, before we go back home we always stop by their house. He is 45 years old and cannot go a day without seeing or talking to his mother. Steven told me that it wasn't THAT bad as I make it out to be. I really think differently... I only bring this up because we decided to be the grrreat children when we were at the mall on Tuesday and we bought him a card at the dollar store and they had a Father's Day Special: 2 for $1!!! Would you look at that? My mother ended up becoming a grreat child in the process and got one for her own dad whom she hates as much as I hate my own. Who said I was not a loving daughter that anyone could ask for?? I got a Lamb of God and a Distillers CD when we went to Media Play. I went into the store with 26 bucks and come out with 4. I got criticized greatly in the car on the way there about how I whenever I get money I waste it buying CDs. Is music really considered a waste? Since I have no musical talent in singing, lyric/song writing, drums, guitar playing since my mom will never put up money for lessons or a guitar, the music I hear on CDs, especially AFI and Smashing Pumpkins, is my life. Why can they not see that comparison? Or just let it be that my money is spent quickly unlike their own? That I find interest in different things? And that the interests I have carry a much deeper meaning than a basketball jersey ever will? Oh, that's right I stopped being accepted by friends and family when I discovered the genre of rock/metal. I guess when one does not accept then they waste no time in criticizing or judging, and here I thought your family never cared about that... This is a permanent solution to a temporary problem... -_- I'm wigging out, everything is turning round. A bitter taste - no comfort can be found. An emptiness wells inside of me, there's no filling the void that will always be. A self-control is all I have to hold. It's been too long. Maybe I have been too bold. When you're by your own conviction discipline can be your addiction...

Yeah, so I went to Eckerd today and played around on the photo machine after I spent maybe a half hour trying to get the right pictures on the camera the day before. They really do not show the hair all that well, but its better than nothing, yes? You even get to see my kitty! ^.^ The words on there say 'The Demon Cat Friskie!' after the nickname Arlene gave it. I luff my kitty, Friskie. That white mark on the vertical picture, I have no idea what that is. I think it is something from the scanner which shows we need a new one. But again, enjoy the pictures...