I think if I've learned anything from the past few months It's that things never, ever turn out the way we plan them. I went to church today for the first time in months. I was actually pretty excited about it. I haven't gone to church in so long not because I don't want to, but becuase I've worked every sunday morning since Easter. I think we're fooling ourselves as to what we're talking about. We may talk about the "Issues", but we talk about them as if we were above it, as if we didn't have to deal with them. We talk about "sinners" who we need to bring into the church as if everyone in the church doesn't need help. I know I can't be the only girl in there who has ever smoked a cigarette before. I know I can't be the only girl who has ever let a boy touch her in places she probably shouldn't have. I know I can't be the only girl who has ever doubted God. So while it's true that we shouldn't be judged for things we've done in the past; maybe I still struggle with certain things I know I can't be the only one. So why do we not just admit it? I'm terrified of just going up to Andrea or Jack and asking for help just to talk because I'd have to admit to them the things I'm struggling with and I don't want to be judged but at the same time I want help I want to feel the way I used to I about felt like crying after sunday school this morning becuase I felt like I was the only one who looked at things through the view of someone struggling. We talked about what a "church" is; it's not a building but a gathering of believers I remember when I used to come out of church being so sure I wish I could feel like that again. Kirstin and Meghan spoke in such extreme terms I don't think I can move that fast, y'know? I just want to think about God before I make my decisions Becuase as of late It's been too easy for me to shove him to the back of my head. I wish there was someone I could talk to.