That first date with Ben turned in to a second date.

About six weeks later, we made it exclusive.

Yes, while I lived 2.5 hours away from him. I put myself into an exclusive long distance relationship.

New York to North Carolina is a little different than Chapel Hill to Wilmington, but it was a big step for me. Also it was only for 6 weeks as opposed to 4 years, but whatever. Still a big step.

Then I had an internship, and I fell in love with this quaint little daily newspaper. Praying for a job offer upon graduation.

And before I knew it, I fell out of love with Sam. Surprisingly easier than expected. I guess seeing how incredible a boyfriend could be, I realized how awful Sam really was. And I'm weirdly happy saying that this time, it is over. For good. I have no weird bizarre hopes of connecting down the road or ever getting back together. We're going separate ways. And that's okay. Even if we lived in the same city, I don't want him anymore. I'd like to be friends I guess, but I can't explain that motivation. He just has too many issues to be romatically involved with.

So here's my updated deal breakers list: (items 1-9 are previous relationships; 10-12 are the ones I've added now that my first and only serious relationship is over)

Don't date anyone who does drugs. Period.
Don't date someone you met at the Brewery...or any place with alcohol in the name.
Don't date someone shorter than you.
Don't date someone tries to feel you up on the first date.
Don't date someone who paints thier nails, straightens thier hair, wears any make up, etc.
Don't date a scene kid.
Don't date someone who makes fun of you for liking the Used, yet looooves Alesana. (ridiculous)
Don't date someone based on one redeemable quality (spefiically: don't date people just because thier journalists).
Don't date someone who's okay with you hurting yourself -- smoking.
Don't ever get seriously involved with someone whose parents are divorced.
Don't date someone in the military--any WAY, SHAPE OR FORM.
If they forget about your birthday, it's over. Period.

So many of my relationship issues have vaporized. I feel like I'm in such a wonderful healthy relationship for the first time since high school.

In an amazing turn of events, I'm going abroad in the Spring. I'll be moving from Carolina del Norte to beautiful, sunny Managua, Nicaragua.

I'm so thankful to my incredible God. When I've really been such a failure at serving him, when praying has been a rare event for me, when I didn't trust him the way I should have, he's pulled one of those 'mysterious ways.' Here I was thinking that my life was over -- that things were bad -- when it turned out to be one of the biggest blessings I could ask for. Getting turned down for the campus job I wanted motivated me to look for an off campus internship and to study abroad. So instead of working a crappy campus job with crappy pay and probably about 40+ hours a week, I'm working in a professional newsroom, working 20 hours a week, gaining valuable connections, writing all kinds of things I've never written before, like editorials, music reviews, and I'm making graphics, I'm sleeping way more than I did last year, doing more of my homework, I have a better social life, I'm gaining more clips, and I'm studying abroad in the Fall. In fact, I absolutely couldn't be more grateful. Thank you God for blessing my life so much.

Now, it's a little scary to say that yes, I am in love again.

I don't know what will happen with us, and to be honest, I don't know what I want to happen to us.

There's also a very strong chance that once I return from Nicaragua, he will be moving. He will be going to medical school. If I'm lucky, he'll stay in Chapel Hill. In all likelihood, he'll be moving to Greenville, two hours East. In even higher likelihood, he'll move accross the country for the next four years, going to Miami or Ohio or Virginia.

So for now I'm just enjoying our relationship as it is, as there's a very big chance that this is the very last semester that we'll be living in the same city. So we haven't talked about it; we haven't had that conversation; I don't want to.

But I've signed a contract. I've subletted my apartment. I'm leaving. Come February, I'll be living in the city with no street names.

I don't want to do a long distance relationship again of any kind. I don't want to be tied down while trying to enjoy Nicaragua. At the same time, I don't want to lose something that feels so good right now.

And I don't want to jinx it. And I know we've only been dating about 4 months. And I know I felt this at one point when I was with Sam, and now I know it was wrong.

But I could actually see this going somewhere. For real.

For now, I'll just enjoy being in love.

realization.