Full circle again. I have been forming the letters to the words, words to the sentences. horrified because I recognize them once again. It comes down to my fear of control or chaos? Insanity or lucidity? I always long for the other extreme. Summary of the month of July. I'm a slave to anything and everything superficial and hollow. Stupidity, commercialism. I am vain. a slave to the feel good pill He sung. I work two jobs, drink my evenings away, overdose on caffeine and sex, and exercise for a numbing effect. I have crushed my creativity and spirit. The consequences will haunt me this year. I will hate this entry. I will love hating this entry. I have tasted it, and these thoughts melt on my tongue smoothly. Silka wrote to me from B.C. I scanned the e-mail, and decided to close the window. I have received four more e-mails from her and they still remain unread. I can't get distracted, I can't let my spirit interfere. I will stay dumb, thoughts stuck in point form, never to be extended. I know I'm missing out, but facing the proof is hard. I don't want to believe there is more than the actions I know are safe to make. Ignorance is always easier.