Wednesday Flush. Flush. Flush. The constant sound of toilets flushing makes me feel weak and sleepy. I wish I had the energy to flush fear out of my system. I am also reminded of my high school years, when I would hide in a bathroom stall in order to avoid a fussy teacher, a nagging friend, or simply, when I was too stoned and paranoid to walk amongst other students. This time, these four walls do not protect me from what I fear confronting. I do not know what led to me feeling this way. Looking back a month ago, I was doing fantastically well. I could dismiss all this and blame post menstrual sensitivity and exhaustion, but I know I shouldn’t. I’ve been a little lab rat, to both my therapist and doctor. I’ve escaped from my cage that enclosed me from the rest of the world. The city’s franticness makes me feel insignificant and small. I don’t need to swallow a new pill on an hourly basis to remind me that my body and mind are slowly deteriorating. Really. I would much rather leach onto a cigarette and live comfortably with the illusion of immortality, but I know I shouldn’t. -- Today I know what I should do. Why I am lying on my bed, starved and drunk, is beyond me. I can’t tell how much of this bullshit is my sick, masochistic mind and how much of it is the fear of growing into something out of my comfort zone. I’ve been complaining, exaggerating, dissecting since I was ten. This is how I cope with life. I satisfy my ego, protect it, and I do a swell job at that, may I add. I do not know how to live differently. I certainly do know what to do in order to help me from myself, but I consciously choose to mope and stay miserable. Impulsively lashing out to keep things the way they are. An insane urge to destroy anything beautiful, the same urge that drives me to bite my fingernails off when they are long, painted and lady-like. Instead of completing my cognitive therapy papers, reading, exercising or creating something with my drawing skills, I sit here and hold the pendant that hangs around my neck, closer to my chest. Pressing on it, as if this will ward off my evil demons.